Seriously, It’s Just A Joke

, , , , , | Right | August 5, 2010

(I am loading guests onto boats at my ride, on which everybody gets wet and all seats are red, when my boss makes a joke over the intercom.)

Boss: “If you’re in a red seat, you will get wet. The red seats are the wet seats. The blue seats are the dry seats.”

Guest: “I’d like a blue seat, please.”

Me: *gesturing at the boat* “All the seats are red.”

Guest: “But I don’t want to get wet.”

Me: “This is a water ride. You will get wet.”

Guest: “Not in a blue seat. He just said.”

Me: “He was making a joke. See? All the seats are red.”

Guest: “Okay.” *pause* “Which seats are the dry seats, then?”

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You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3

, , , , , | Right | February 21, 2010

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Can I speak to the butcher department, please?”

Me: “The butcher department?”

Customer: “Yeah, I decided I don’t want the big turkey anymore.”

Me: “Uh, ma’am, this is the city morgue.”


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The Orlando Hillbillies

, , , , , | Right | November 19, 2008

(I work as a security officer in an upscale hotel near the big theme parks in Orlando. We get a call from one of the rooms complaining about a break-in and theft.)

Me: “Sir, you called security about a break-in? When were you out?”

Customer: “Yeah! We just got back from [Theme Park] and somebody broke in here and took all of our used towels and soaps and stuff! Looks like they went through everything!”

Me: “Sir? They took your used towels?”

Customer: “We had a buncha towels in the bathroom and a buncha shampoo and soaps are gone, too! See?! These ain’t my towels! I know because we had used ours last night and draped them over the shower curtain to dry! What kind of establishment are y’all runnin’ here?”

(I look around the bathroom; it looks tidy and neat. Clean towels are hanging on the towel rack, and new bottles of courtesy soaps and shampoos were put on the bathroom counter.)

Me: “Sir, were these your towels from home? Was anything else taken?”

Customer: “No! We gotta buncha towels with our room and now they’re gone! I know because they were wet! Somebody done been in here snoopin’ through our room!”

Me: “Sir… I believe that was housekeeping. They come in, clean up the room, see if you need any fresh towels, and give you new–”

(The man begins shouting.)

Customer: “DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! SOMEBODY HAS BEEN IN MY ROOM!”

Me: “It’s called ‘Housekeeping.’ They come in and replace any toiletries you use during–”

Customer: “Well, I ain’t need no toilet treats! They coulda stole all my stuff!”

Me: “Sir… it was our maids. They come in and clean for you. There is a complimentary safe in your closet. You can lock up anything you don’t want out when our staff–”

Customer: “TELL THEM I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN MY ROOM AND GOIN’ THROUGH ALL MY STUFF! If they do it again, I’m calling the police and having all y’all arrested!”

Me: “All right, sir…”

(The customer and his family stayed a whole week in the hotel. Evidently they used the same four towels the whole time and split a one oz bottle of shampoo for four people over six days.)


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