And You’re Mean To Boot

, , , , , | Romantic | October 18, 2017

(My husband and I are getting ready for the day when following conversation happens.)

Me: “I told someone on the internet that they are wrong. Someone attacked my personality and I had to start a debate, you know? And a person kept trying to conjure some arguments, but all they got was a set of logical fallacies. I was forced to point them out. The person kept trying. I kept pointing out why my statement is correct and their argument has no ground. I think the other person was more invested in proving me wrong. And I had fun. I am so mean.”

Husband: “You are not mean. You just want to wipe your feet on them.”

Me: “Not my feet. My muddy boots.”

Husband: “Okay. Your shoes?”

Me: “My. Muddy. Boots.”

Husband: “I take it back. You are mean.”

Mama And Papa New Guinea

, , , , , | Friendly | October 17, 2017

(My friend lives alone in Canada and I live in the US. We spend all of our free time online chatting. She has recently purchased a baby poofy guinea pig as a pet, since her apartment building won’t allow cats or dogs. She has raised guinea pigs before, so she knows what to do. After a couple months, my friend sadly messages me.)

Friend: “I think my guinea pig is dying.”

Me: “Oh, no!”

Friend: “Yeah. She doesn’t move around at all anymore and hasn’t really eaten the past couple of days. I’ll message you later; I’m going for a walk.”

(My friend goes for a walk and then comes home, texting me.)

Friend: “Well, I think my guinea pig is doing better!”

Me: “Really? Awesome!”

Friend: “Yeah! She threw up a couple hairballs and now seems to have more energy.”

Friend: “Oh, God! The hairballs are breathing! It’s babies! She’s having babies! What do I do?!”

Me: “Aww! Let nature take over. She’ll know what to do.”

Friend: “I don’t know how to take care of babies!”

Me: “Relax!”

Friend: “BUT SHE WAS A BABY WHEN I GOT HER! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!”

(We discovered later that guinea pigs mate at a very young age if not separated quickly; the store had not separated them quickly enough!)

Have A Feeling His Buddy Didn’t Pick Up On Purpose

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(A guest whom I’ve just checked in comes back to the front desk.)

Guest: “Hey, there can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Of course! What can I do for you?”

Guest: “My buddy told me he’s around here somewhere having a beer. Where would that be?”

Me: “Well, there’s quite a few places he could be. There’s a restaurant called [Restaurant] just adjacent to our building. Could that be it?”

Guest: “No, no, no, that’s definitely not it! He mentioned he would be downtown. Any idea where he might be?”

Me: “There’s upwards of 60 bars and restaurants in the downtown area. Why don’t you call your friend and get the name of the establishment? I’d be happy to get you directions.”

(The guest stands at the desk making several unsuccessful phone calls to his friend. He’s now visibly irritated.)

Guest: “He’s not answering his d*** phone! All I want is to see my buddy and wind down with an ice cold beer! Now, where could he be?”

Me: “Like I said, he could be at any one of the 60 restaurants in the area. Without a name of the establishment, I can’t tell you where to go.”

Guest: “Listen here, ma’am. If you were an old man like me and wanted to have a beer, where would you go?”

Me: *I get out a restaurant guide and hand it to the guest* “I’m sure wherever your friend is will be listed in this directory. Good luck!”

(The guest spent the next 15 minutes huffing and puffing in the lobby and fiddling with his phone before he stormed back upstairs to his room.)

Plenty Of Door-ama

, , , , | Right | October 12, 2017

(I work at a sandwich shop. It shares a building with a coffee shop. There is an entrance from the street, and another entrance on the other side that is shared with the coffee shop. The coffee shop’s door is about four feet across from the sandwich shop’s door.)

Customer: “How do I get to [Coffee Shop]?

Me: “Just go through that exit over there, and the door is straight ahead.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you!”

(The customer walks out the shared door and I return to work. Ten minutes later I see her come in through our street door looking a little huffed and confused.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but I couldn’t find [Coffee Shop]. Did you give me the right directions?”

Me: “Yes, the shop is right through that door.”

(I am pointing to the shared door like before.)

Customer: “I went through that door and didn’t find it. Show me.”

(Since it isn’t busy, I walk from the counter directly in front of the door with her next to me.)

Me: *pointing to the other door behind the glass* “See that other door behind this one? That is [Coffee Shop].”

Customer: *red-faced and flustered* “Oh, of course. I didn’t see it; I’m not stupid! Don’t act like I’m stupid.”

The Daddy Of All Nicknames

, , , , , | Learning | October 7, 2017

Teacher: “If you have a nickname, or just want me to call you something specific, just tell me and I will. I’ll call you anything you want. But be careful what you choose, because I will stick with it for good.”

Class: *laughs*

Teacher: “You think I’m joking? I had a student want to be called ‘Daddy.’ He didn’t think I’d go through with it, but that’s what I called him for the whole semester.”

(I’m sure that’s not at all appropriate for student-teacher relationships, but who am I to judge? That must’ve been an interesting class.)

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