Ignorer The Explorer

, , | Right | June 1, 2017

(I work at a lube/mechanical service shop. It’s my job to answer the phones and take payments. I announce cars to the lobby when they are ready.)

Me: “Ford for Ling. Ford Explorer for Mr. Ling”.

(A clearly Hispanic woman walks up to the counter.)

Customer: “Sí.”

Me: “I have this under a Chao Ling. Is that okay?”

Customer: “Yes, yes, yes.”

Me: “So for the Ford Explorer for Ling today I have a standard oil change and a light bulb replacement. That will be $26.98.”

Customer: “Yes, yes. Sí.”

(I cash her out, she wanders off to the parking lot, and leaves. All the finished cars have the keys inside; we have extensive cameras everywhere). An hour later an Asian man shows up.)

New Customer: “Hello, I am here for the Ford Explorer. Chao Ling.”

Me: *raging in my head* “FFFFFOOOOOO.”

(It turned out the Hispanic lady had not only a totally different car, she also had a full synthetic oil change ($59.99), a tire rotation ($19.99), an engine flush, and both differential services (a combo deal for $140.00). A lovely total of $219.98. So the shop was pretty darn mad at me. For the love of all that is good, PAY ATTENTION!)

Getting Into His Head

, , , | Romantic | May 29, 2017

(I am standing in our kitchen when my husband walks through to the refrigerator. I keep hearing a slight hissing noise.)

Me: “What is that noise?”

Husband: “You can hear that?”

Me: “Yes.”

(I try to listen to figure out where the sound is coming from. It turns out the hissing was coming from a hole in the bottom of my husbands own shoe. Every time he took a step the air would rush out of the sole of the shoe. My husband thought the noise was in his head for a week before I noticed it.)

Got His Second, Third, Fourth Wind

, , , | Romantic | May 29, 2017

(My husband and I have a roommate. One morning, I come down stairs to find she’s written a note, explaining she had some of our juice, followed by a signature and time. Since I’ll be long gone for work by the time she wakes up, I write a quick response to let her know it’s not a problem and sign and time it like she did. I go into the kitchen to make my lunch for the day and come out to find my husband giggling.)

Me: “What’s so funny?”

Husband: “Did you read the letter she left?”

Me: “Uh… yeah? What’s so funny about it?

(I look down at the note to see a new line added. It reads:)

Note: I” farted. –[Husband], 12:01 am, 2:30 am, 2:45 am, 4:00 am, too many to count.”

Broken Relationship

, , , | Romantic | May 24, 2017

(My boyfriend is usually a pretty grounded person, but every once in a while he comes up with some crazy thoughts. We’re cuddling on the couch watching TV when suddenly he comes out with this:)

Boyfriend: “You know what would be crazy? What if, instead of hind paws, cats had tiny human hands that were cat sized? Then instead of kneading you, they would grope you with their tiny back hands.”

Me: *stares at him bewildered* “Umm…what?”

Boyfriend: “Also! What if they spoke English instead of meowing? Not speaking English per se; they wouldn’t know what they were saying. But instead of saying ‘meow,’ each cat would have a single, random sentence they said over and over and over. Like one would always say ‘Where’s the butter?’ and another would only be able to say ‘I like short shorts!’ and so on, so that each cat had its own unique phrase it would say instead of meowing.”

Me: *hugs him* “I’m sorry, sweetie. I don’t know how I broke you, but I’m sorry I did.”

(Cue my boyfriend laughing hysterically.)

Sins Of The Father, Part 3

, , , , | Right | October 16, 2013

(I am the customer in this scenario. I have decided to have lunch at a local muffin/sandwich shop. I finish my order, and a couple comes in behind me with two children. The mother leaves to go to another store, and the children begin to run the length of the store without any input from their father. I finally get my food tray, and am stepping away from the counter, when the older of the two, the son runs into me from behind, full tilt. Barely keeping my balance, I cry out.)

Me: “Hey! Watch where you’re going, buddy!”

Father: “Don’t you f****** talk to my kid like that!”

Son: “Yeah!”

(The son aims a punch at my more tender areas. I thankfully turn to the side quickly enough to avoid the hit in the crotch, but the son ends up smacking the hard back of the cell phone in my pocket. He falls to the floor, holding his hand and wailing.)

Father: “You son of a b****! You hit my son!”

Me: “No… he just—”

Father: “Someone call the police! That man hit my son!”

Me: “Look—”

Father: “I saw you! You hit my son! I’m gonna—” *starts advancing on me with fists clenched*

(The owner suddenly comes over.)

Owner: “[Father], that’s it! I’ve had it! I’ve told you not to let your kids run around here, and now you’re threatening my customers. I don’t care if you’re related to me; I want you and your kids out of my store, now!”

Father: “But he—”

Owner: “Remember, [Father], you installed the video cameras for me last week. I watched your son run into and try to hit this guy. GET OUT!”

(I didn’t lose my meal, but I was able to eat it in relative peace after the father and the owner finished a protracted screaming match with the father losing and leaving.)


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