Customer: “I can’t get on with these reading glasses. I can read fine with them here but not at home.”

Me: “Okay, have a look at the reading chart here.”

Customer: “Well, I can read that here but not at home when I read in the evening.”

Me: “It’s quite bright here. What kind of lighting are you using at home?”

Customer: “What difference would that make?”

Me: “Well, if you’re reading in poor light that can make it more difficult to see small print.”

Customer: “I just have a table lamp.”

Me: “You might want to try a reading light. Better light does make it easier to see.”

Customer: “I just want glasses that work! You don’t need light to see!”

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(I am calling customers to remind them to pick up their ready orders.)

Girl: “Ooh… Mmm… Ahh…”

(A fumbling sound can be heard as more moaning and gasping.)

Me: “Ah. Yes, this is [My Name] calling from [Opticians] and I just wanted to speak with [Client]; however, if this is a bad time–”

Girl: “Mmm… Hold on.”

(I hear the sound of the phone being handed over to another person.)

Man: “Ooh… Mmm… Ahh… Just kidding, mom. What’s up? I thought you were at the spa today.”

Me: “Actually I’m not your mom. This is actually just [My Name] calling from [Opticians] to let you know your order’s been ready for quite some time to pick up.”

Man: “Oh, t-thanks.”

Me: “Yep, that’s no problem. Have a good day.”

Customer: “Something’s wrong with my vision. I’m not seeing well at all.”

Me: “Did this happen suddenly or gradually?”

Customer: “Since I woke up this morning, everything is blurry!”

(I look up her file and see that she had an exam and purchased glasses within the last month.)

Me: “So, even with your new glasses, everything is blurry?”

Customer: “Well, no. It’s fine with my glasses on. But I have worn them for a whole month! Shouldn’t my eyes be better by now?”

Me: “Ma’am, the glasses make your vision better, but only if you are wearing them.”

Customer: “What kind of a quack doctor do you have there? Thanks for nothing!”

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(I am dispensing new glasses to a customer.)

Me: “Okay, now take a look around the store. Is your distance coming in clearly?”

Customer: “Yes, but it’s backward.”

Me: “Backward? What do you mean?”

Customer: “The sign… the letters on it are backward.”

Me: “Which sign?”

Customer: “The one in between the frames.”

(The customer then turns around and looks out into the store.)

Customer: “Now the sign looks right, but when I look this way…” *turns back around to face me* “…it’s backward. This has never happened before! What’s wrong with my glasses?”

Me: “Ma’am, are you looking in the mirror behind me?”

Customer: “Oh! That must be it! Well, then, my glasses are working wonderfully. Thank you!”

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Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. Where it says ‘frame includes single-vision lenses,’ does that mean I can’t have trifocals?”

Me: “No, it just means that the cost of the frame includes the price of single-vision lenses. If you wanted trifocals we would charge you the upgrade price to have them. They start at £49 on top of the frame.”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “The difference between single-vision or trifocals?”

Me: Oh, well, trifocals give you three different magnifications, into distance, intermediate and reading. Single-vision will only give you one of those.”

Customer: “Why can’t I have a single-vision lens that does all of those?”

Me: *checking her prescription* “…because your eyes need different levels of magnification to see each one clearly.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “When you are over forty, your eyes start to become lazy and have trouble focusing on close-up things, as well as things that are far away.”

Customer: “I’m not lazy just because I’m over forty! Let me speak to your manager! I have never been so insulted!”