(One of our eye tests works by patients clicking a remote when they see some shimmery lines, and is set up where the face-plate slides into place to test the individual eyes. The patient has already informed me that he has a glass eye in the right socket. This machine can sometimes be very temperamental when a test is in progress, so I want to explain the test before I mess around too much with it and skip his glass eye. It’s still currently set on the right eye as the default.)

Me: “On this first test, when you look inside there, you’re going to see a little—”

Patient: “I can’t see out of that eye.”

Me: Yes, sir, I know that. I can skip this eye when I get the test started, but I wanted to explain the directions first. Now, you’re going to see a little black spot right in the center and—”

Patient: “But I can’t see out of that eye.”

Me: “Yes, I know that, sir. I can skip that eye in just a moment. You’re going to see the black dot in the center and there are some very faint, sort of wiggly lines—”

Patient: “But I can’t see out of this eye.”

(The patient continues to put his face into the machine which is still on the right eye.)

Me: “I know that, sir. You’re going to see a black dot in the center and some faint, wiggly lines and that’s just a preview of what the test looks like. When—”

Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye!”

Me: “I can skip that one. When the test starts, and I’ll let you know when that is, I just need you to look—”

Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye!”

(I am now ignoring him to get through my directions.)

Me: “When the test starts, you need to look at the black spot in the center and click on the clicker whenever you see those wiggly lines.”

Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye, though!”

Me: “I need you to sit back for me so I can get the machine ready to just test your left eye.”

(The patient sits back and I slide the face-plate over for the left eye. I put in the settings to get the machine to skip the right eye, and am just about to start on the left.)

Patient: “So, what am I supposed to do in this thing?”

(We are driving to my dad’s optical appointment in a nearby town. We get caught in traffic, so dad calls ahead to let them know we may be a little late. It is now 4.20pm, and we are less than half a mile away, but we’ve been stuck for 15 minutes and have no idea when we’ll get there.)

Dad: “I’m [name], and I have an appointment at 4.30. I’m stuck in traffic, so I may be a few minutes late.”

Receptionist: “Last name and DOB?”

Dad: *states name and DOB*

Receptionist: “When would you like an appointment?”

Dad: “I have one, at 4:30.”

Receptionist: “We have no slots available at that time.”

Dad: “I already have a 4.30 appointment. I’m calling to let you know I might be a few minutes late.”

(The traffic is now slowly starting to move.)

Receptionist: “So you want a 4:30 appointment? Let me check.”

Dad: “No, I have an appointment today at 4.30.”

Receptionist: “We have no more appointments available today.”

Dad: “Listen. I already have an appointment. It is for today. It is at 4.30.”

Receptionist: “Yes, I see that. It is all booked for you.”

(Traffic has now cleared. It is 4:25, and we are about to park in the car park.)

Dad: “I am ringing to let you know we have been stuck in traffic, and may be a few minutes late.”

Receptionist: “Oh! If you are more than 10 minutes late your appointment will be cancelled.”

Dad: *giving up* “Okay, fine.”

(Quite literally two minutes later, we walk into the opticians. My dad gives his name, and the receptionist looks totally confused. I’m not sure he ever quite understood what was going on.)

(After noticing the my current prescription for my glasses isn’t strong enough, I go an optometrist near my university. The optometrist in my home town is a two-day drive away, and I won`t be back home for almost an entire school year. I see the doctor, get my new prescription, choose my frames and am told that I only have to pay for everything when the glasses come in. Over the course of the year, I call, but am told that they aren’t in yet. After a year, I go to another place and get my glasses there. Finally after 18-months of waiting, the first place calls me.)

Receptionist: “Hello, is [my name] there?”

Me: “This is she.”

Receptionist: “Hello, this is [optometrist] calling to tell you that your glasses have arrived, and are ready to be picked up.”

Me: “Umm, actually, I got tired of waiting and went somewhere else.”

Receptionist: *rudely* “You ordered glasses with us, and then go elsewhere?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. If you check the date on the frames, you’ll notice that I ordered them over 18-months ago. I kinda needed new glasses before I graduated from university.”

Receptionist: *click*

(I am taking my five-year-old son to the optometrist for his yearly eye check-up.)

Doctor: *to my son* “So, are you have any trouble seeing things?”

Son: “Well, my regular vision’s fine, but I’m still working on my x-ray vision.”

This story is part of the World Sight Day roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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(I’m at the optician. After spending several minutes adjusting my new glasses to sit properly on my face, the optician realizes that she has to adjust the ear pieces. This is because one of my ears is slightly lower than the other.)

Optician: “Here they are! They look great!” *hands me my glasses*

Me: “Great! They really are nice and level now!”

Optician: “And here’s a nice hard case that comes with them so they won’t be damaged.” *hands me the case*

Me: “Um, these won’t fit in this case. Can I have a soft one?”

(I show her how the adjusted ear piece prevents the case from closing all the way.)

Optician: “Oh, I can fix that!”

(The optician takes out the glasses and bends the ear piece that she just spent 10 minutes working on back into its original position.)

Optician: “See? Now it closes.”

Me: *sighs*

(I pull the glasses out and put them on my face. As expected, they are now completely askew.)

Optician: “Oh, um, let’s fix those.”

(10 minutes later, they look good again.)

Optician: “All set!”

Me: “Can I have that soft case, please?”

Optician: “Don’t you want the protective hard one?”

Me: “No. Remember how they don’t fit in there?”

Optician: “Um, okay, if you’re sure…” *hands me a soft case* “Anything else I can help you with?”

Me: “No. Please don’t help me any more.”