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Only One Left

, , , | Right | August 25, 2014

(I am an optometrist, selling glasses and contact lenses. A customer calls me up to ask about some contact lenses I sent to him in the mail.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m just calling to ask you which of the lenses is for which eye!”

Me: “I’m sorry! I am usually so careful about these things. I can’t believe I forgot to mark them.”

Customer: “Yeah, it says, ‘Right,’ on one of the boxes, but what about the other one?”

Me: “Uh, then the other one would be for your left eye.”

Customer: “Great, thanks!” *hangs up*


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Striking A Happy Medium

| Working | August 16, 2014

(One of my more senior coworkers has a well-known reputation for being particularly grumpy and offensive; however, we get on quite well. I’m being let in by the owner just as my coworker arrives.)

Me: “Morning, [Owner].

(My coworker brushes past me. In a very artificially bright voice I speak up.)

Me: “Morning, Mr. Happy!”

Coworker: *grunts*

Me: “Nice to see you’re in such a good mood, Mr. Happy!”

Coworker: *grunts again* “Coffee.”

Me: “You’re going to be even more happy after coffee? How will we cope, Mr. Happy?”

(My coworker and I hear a thump, and turn to see the owner has hit the floor due to her hysterical laughter.)

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An Internal Decision

| Working | July 24, 2014

(The manager in our store usually works the shop floor on weekends when we’re busy as if she were a normal staff member. It’s worth noting that she is always running around, never standing still. She comes into the lab where I am sorting orders, stops still, and smiles at me.)

Manager: “You know sometimes you get really mean, rude, horrible patients?”

Me: “Yep, all the time.”

Manager: “Well, the one I’m with is as bad as I’ve ever seen. She waited for five minutes to get her glasses, and so now she wants something for free.”

Me: *confused* “Well then, what are you doing in here?”

Manager: “I told her I’d ask the manager.” *giggles* “I think I’m going to say no!”

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No Contacts And Updated Contact

| Working | April 1, 2014

(I wear contacts. A couple of years ago when moving house from near Scotland to southeast England, I made sure to change my details with my opticians. I also called up their central office, because apparently you can’t change your delivery address in-store. Nevertheless, my contacts didn’t arrive when they were supposed to. I ring up customer service.)

Employee #1: “Hi. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi. I’m calling because I haven’t received my contact lenses. I moved house recently, but definitely changed my details. My current address is [address].”

Employee #1: “Yes, it looks like we still have your previous address on file. You know, you have to call up and change it specifically.”

Me: “I did. I—”

Employee #1: “—and it’s not the same as just calling up your local opticians! Now, we can’t send you a new set just because you forgot to change your address. You’ll have to go to your old place and pick them up.”

Me: “I can’t. I live at the opposite end of the country. I definitely ch—”

Employee #1: “Well, we can’t send you any more. You have to get them yourself or do without.”

Me: “Listen. I went into a branch to change my address, and they gave me a card to call up and change my contact lens details. If they weren’t the right people to call, then who on Earth do I need to call to change my delivery address?”

Employee #1: “Oh, you called and changed your address? It mustn’t have changed in the system. I’ll send you a new pack out.”

(A couple of years on, I’m moving house again. As soon as I move, I call to change my address. Lo and behold, my contact lenses don’t turn up.)

Me: “Hi. I’m calling because I haven’t received my contacts. I moved house recently, and made sure to call up the contact lens department and change my delivery address with them.”

Employee #2: “Ah, you changed your address? We’ll send you some more out. Sorry about that. Can I take your new address?”

Me: “It’s [address].”

(A few weeks pass. No contact lenses arrive.)

Me: “Hi. I called a couple of weeks ago because my contacts hadn’t arrived. I was told I would be send some more, but I haven’t got them yet. My address should be [address].”

Employee: “Ah. This is embarrassing. The address doesn’t seem to have been changed. Can we run through them all?”

(They had no fewer than five addresses on system for me, not one of them my current address. Finally, a week later, my contacts finally arrived!)

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More Deaf Than Blind

| Right | November 1, 2013

(One of our eye tests works by patients clicking a remote when they see some shimmery lines, and is set up where the face-plate slides into place to test the individual eyes. The patient has already informed me that he has a glass eye in the right socket. This machine can sometimes be very temperamental when a test is in progress, so I want to explain the test before I mess around too much with it and skip his glass eye. It’s still currently set on the right eye as the default.)

Me: “On this first test, when you look inside there, you’re going to see a little—”

Patient: “I can’t see out of that eye.”

Me: Yes, sir, I know that. I can skip this eye when I get the test started, but I wanted to explain the directions first. Now, you’re going to see a little black spot right in the center and—”

Patient: “But I can’t see out of that eye.”

Me: “Yes, I know that, sir. I can skip that eye in just a moment. You’re going to see the black dot in the center and there are some very faint, sort of wiggly lines—”

Patient: “But I can’t see out of this eye.”

(The patient continues to put his face into the machine which is still on the right eye.)

Me: “I know that, sir. You’re going to see a black dot in the center and some faint, wiggly lines and that’s just a preview of what the test looks like. When—”

Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye!”

Me: “I can skip that one. When the test starts, and I’ll let you know when that is, I just need you to look—”

Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye!”

(I am now ignoring him to get through my directions.)

Me: “When the test starts, you need to look at the black spot in the center and click on the clicker whenever you see those wiggly lines.”

Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye, though!”

Me: “I need you to sit back for me so I can get the machine ready to just test your left eye.”

(The patient sits back and I slide the face-plate over for the left eye. I put in the settings to get the machine to skip the right eye, and am just about to start on the left.)

Patient: “So, what am I supposed to do in this thing?”

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