More Invasive Than You’d Like

| Huddersfield, UK | Health & Body

(I work at an optician’s office. We provide a service for customers who are diabetic where they can have a retinal screening.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Patient: *loudly* “I’m here for a diabetic rectal screening!”

(There is an uncomfortable pause while the patient digests what he has just boomed out to the whole shop in a very loud voice.)

Me: “Er…”

Patient: “I think I got that wrong.”

Me: “Slightly, sir.”

The Terrors Of Terminology

| Guildford, Surrey, England, UK | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

(People have all sorts of names for the sides, or temples, of spectacle frames. I have heard them called “legs”, “props”, “wings”, and “crutches”, among other things. A very strident woman marches into our practice with her teenage daughter in tow.)

Customer: *loudly* “I want you to spread my daughter’s legs. They won’t go behind her ears.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer’s daughter: *speechless and cringing with embarrassment*

Related:
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

Some Customers Are Just Not Mourning People

| Columbus, OH, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Just calling to let you know that the glasses you ordered have come in.”

Customer: “Awesome, I’ll be there. Now I can leave this funeral early…”

Should Get Her Eyes Tested

| Marion, IL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for choosing [optometrists]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I looked up DNA tests on the internet, and your number came up.”

Me: “I’m not exactly sure why that would be. This is an optometrist’s office.”

Caller: “So, you can’t help me find my baby-daddy?”

His Logic Has More Than Meets The Eye

| Perth, Australia | Uncategorized

(A customer walks in with a pair of glasses.)

Me: “Hi. How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Do you mind pushing the lenses out of this frame for me? My wife wants just the frame for her lab work. She would like to use them as safety glasses.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The frame would be useless if I pushed the lenses out.”

Customer: “No. She’s going to use them as safety glasses in the lab.”

Me: “Are you sure, sir? It wouldn’t meet the standard of safety glasses if it doesn’t have any lenses.”

Customer: “Yes! I’m 100% sure that they will work as safety glasses without any lenses.”

(I remove the lenses for him.)

Me: “Okay. If something was going to fling into her face, whatwould protect her eyes?”

Customer: “These safety glasses!”

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