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His Brain Was Lost In The Wash

, , , | Right | September 16, 2019

Customer: “I’d like to buy a car wash.”

Me: “Sure thing! Which type of wash would you like?”

Customer: “A car wash.”

(I think for a moment that perhaps he’s misheard me.) 

Me: “Which type of car wash are you interested in?”

Customer: “A car wash.”

Me: “The different washes are listed right here, sir.”

(I point at the sign right in front of me.)

Customer: “A car wash.”

Me: “How about our top-of-the-line wash?”

Customer: “Uh… sure.”

Me: “All righty, your total is [total]; just insert your card.”

(He is already holding his credit card out.)

Customer: “Uh…”

Me: “Right here.” *points at the terminal*

Customer: “Oh! Okay.”

(He inserts the card incorrectly and an error slip prints out. I hand him the slip.)

Me: “That didn’t go through; you’ll have to try that again. Insert the other end first.”

(He inserts the card incorrectly again and another error slip prints out.)

Me: “That did not go through; we’ll have to try that again.”

(I hand him the second slip. He takes both slips and walks out without another word. I’m a little surprised, but figure that maybe he brought the wrong card with him and was embarrassed. He comes back in about a half-hour later.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss. Sorry to bother you… But neither of these slips worked at the car wash.” *places his error slips on the counter*

I Am The Captain Now!

, , , , , | Related | September 12, 2019

(I am fifteen and my brother is thirteen. We start lawn care business together at the beginning of the summer. We work together to mow lawns and such. Recently, he broke his foot, so I’ve been handling the mowing, communication, money, etc. I went from making $22.50 a week to $45 a week, so I can’t complain. Today was very hot and I am all sweaty from working.)

Mom: “You look tired.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m going to take a freezie break. Let me just ask my manager.”

(I do a spin.)

Me: “I am the manager! Take a freezie break.”

(I spun again.)

Me: “I guess that’s settled. Can I, Mom?”

Scary Things In The Basement

, , , , , | Working | September 11, 2019

(My wife and I have just bought our first house. It is relevant to the story that it is a detached home, with a fully furnished basement. Although the basement is set up so that it can potentially be rented out as an apartment, it was not used this way by us or the previous owner. As is common after a move, we get a bit of mail meant for a previous owner. There is one piece of mail from a TV and telephone company addressed to “Resident” at “[Our Address] Bsmnt Apt.” A new envelope comes monthly. I call the company to correct the issue.)

Employee: “How can I help you?” 

Me: “Hi. I’m calling about some mail that is being sent to me in error.”

Employee: “I can help with that. Can I get your phone number or account number to pull up your info?” 

Me: “Actually, I don’t have any services with [Company]. That’s why I’m calling. I’m getting someone else’s info sent to my home.” 

Employee: “I see. Can I have the name on the envelope?” 

Me: “No, it’s just sent to ‘Resident.'” 

Employee: “Well, I can’t change the mailing information on your account if you don’t give me a name or a phone number.” 

Me: “It’s not my account. I just bought the house. It’s not even addressed to a real apartment. It says, ‘Bsmnt apt,’ but there is no basement apartment.” 

Employee: “Can you give me the address? I may be able to get your account from that.” 

Me: *provides my address*

Employee: “Please hold for a moment.” *brief hold music* “Okay, sir, I have the account pulled up now. It looks like you have an outstanding balance of [over $100].” 

Me: “What? No. You’re not understanding me. You have the wrong address on file. Whoever owes that balance doesn’t live here anymore. I just want you to stop sending his mail here.” 

Employee: “Sir, you still have to pay your bill, even if you moved.” 

Me: “But it’s not my bill.” 

Employee: “You live at [address], correct? Then this is your bill.” 

Me: “But I just moved here and have never had any services with you. Just stop sending any correspondence here. There isn’t even a basement apartment! No one lives there separately. You’re records are clearly wrong.” 

Employee: “If you own the house, then you own the basement apartment. You are the ‘Resident’ at [Address]. This is your bill. You have to pay it.” 

Me: “I’m going to make this clear. I do not have any business with your company. You are sending someone else’s bill to my address by mistake. I will not pay a penny. You have no name on file. You have an address that doesn’t exist. If you send me any more mail to this address I will consider it harassment.”

Employee: *long silence* “But this is your bill.” 

Me: “Transfer me to a manager.” 

(I spoke to a manager. She understood what I was saying and corrected the issue in minutes. I now record my calls with an app.)

No Room To Get Drunk

, , , , | Right | September 9, 2019

(I work at the front desk in a hotel and conference centre. Our checkout time is noon but as people are here on conference they tend to still be in the building most of the day after they check out. It’s rather common for us to have guests coming to the front desk later in the day realizing they left something in the room. A guest checked out right at noon and comes back to the front desk at two.)

Guest: “Hey, I just went back to my room and the bottle of booze I left in my fridge is gone.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” *gets guests room number and looks it up* “Sir, it looks like we have you checked out.”

Guest: “Yeah, I checked out at noon but I left the bottle in there.”

Me: “Well, let me call housekeeping and see if they picked it up when they cleaned the room.”

Guest: *starting to sound mad* “Why would housekeeping take booze from my room? They can’t just take things out of guest’s fridges. That’s stealing. I left it there to pick up after my conference was done.”

Me: “You left it in the room after checking out?”

Guest: “Well, yeah, I was going to go get it, and I’m not impressed that they took it out of there and that had they had already cleaned the room. I was going to use the washroom, too, but couldn’t because it was tidied.”

Me: “Sir, the second you checked out of that room, it was no longer your room. Your key shouldn’t have even let you in.”

Guest: “But it’s my room!”

Me: “Not after you check out, sir. The room needs to get turned over for the next guest.”

Guest: “They should have known I was going back to it, though, because I left my booze!”

Me: “They most likely assumed you had just forgotten it. People forget things in their fridges often.”

Guest: “Well, I want it back!”

Me: “Let me just call housekeeping and we can see about getting it for you, sir.”

(The entire time I’m waiting for housekeeping to bring the bottle to the front desk, the guest is pacing and ranting under his breath about how ridiculous it is and how he is never going to stay here again. I remain silent and busy myself for the maybe five minutes it takes for her to come to the lobby; all the while he becomes more impatient. She finally brings the bottle up… It’s a mickey of Smirnoff; all that for a fifteen-dollar bottle of vodka.)

Guest: *turning back to me and yelling* “You’re lucky I got it back, but that took far too long and it never should have been taken out of the fridge in the first place. I will be contacting corporate and filing a complaint about this awful customer service. How was I supposed to know that checking out meant the room was no longer mine?”

(The guest stormed out, still swearing under his breath. I’m not quite sure who he’s contacting, though, as we’re a one-off hotel and conference center and there’s no “corporate” office to complain to.)

Real Time Printing

, , , , , | Working | September 5, 2019

(I work in the IT department in the office. An employee calls me to have a look at an issue she is having. She tells me the printer isn’t working, and she thinks it might need more ink. The following conversation happens when I arrive at her desk.)

Coworker: “There’s something wrong with the printer. It won’t let me change the page.” 

Me: *a little confused* “Can you show me what you mean?”

Coworker: “See, this one I could change before I got it out.” *shows me a printed page she had sitting in the printer tray* “But the printer isn’t letting me change this one.” *pulls up another Word Doc that is locked for editing*

Me: “I can fix that. Can I just sit for a moment?”

(A few clicks and she’s good to go.)

Coworker: “Oh, good. Thank you. I was worried that the printer was just too full, or it needed more ink before I made a change.”

Me: *still a little confused* “Nope, your printer is fine. And you’re all set now.” 

(As I was walking back to my desk it occurred to me what she meant. I think she believed that every document she sees on her computer screen has a corresponding physical page in her printer, and editing a Doc means the printer changes the page as she does so. Clicking “print” is just how she gets the page out.)