It Looks Like Pokémon Isn’t In The Cards

, , , , | Learning | September 13, 2017

(At my school, there is a storm drain in the middle of the playground. Nobody thinks much of it until we hear someone yell.)

Kid: “HEY, THERE’S A POKÉMON CARD IN THERE!”

(Everyone rushes over and looks down. Sure enough, there is a Pokémon card lying face down at the bottom of the storm drain. Every day, for about a month, everyone tries to open the cover or stick things through to try to get the card, but to no avail. One day, everyone is called by the principal into the auditorium for a surprise assembly.)

Principal: “Today I want to talk to you about safety. I have noticed for a while now that everyone seems to be crowding around the storm drain at recess. That is very unsafe, and there is no reason why anyone should try to mess with the cover… because I got the Pokémon card.” *he pulls a worn, crumpled up Pokémon card from his back pocket* “As you can see, it’s just a Pidgey, nothing special.”

(Thinking that this was just a way to get us to stay away from the storm drain, we still looked in to check at recess. The Pokémon card was gone.)

Licking These Cakes Into Shape

, , , , , | Working | September 12, 2017

My mother and soon-to-be step-father were getting married, and we were all out looking for a cake. We asked around and tried to find the best place to buy one, and wound up in a rather nice neighborhood at a fancy bakery.

We walked in and oohed and ahhed at all the good-looking cakes, and went to get ours custom-made.

As my parents ordered the cake, I wandered around until I reached a door in the back and looked through its window. Inside was the kitchen, and two men were baking. As I watched, one started to apply some icing, and when he ran out, he ran his fingers down and then LICKED the tool! Then, without washing it, he started putting more on.

Horrified, I went back to my parents and told them what happened. We quickly canceled the order, left, and didn’t go back.

Best To Letter Know

, , , | Right | September 11, 2017

Caller: “WHY YOU PEOPLE SEND ME LETTER?”

Me: “…is this about your rebate? Would you like me to look up the status for you?”

Caller: “YOU PEOPLE SEND ME LETTER! ONCE AND AGAIN, AND NOW TODAY! WHY?!”

Me: “Your rebate is approved, ma’am. The letter is to let you know your cheque will be issued in four to eight weeks.”

Caller: “NO MORE LETTERS! YOU STOP! I WILL CALL LAWYERS!”

Me: “Ma’am, ma’am, you are approved—”

Caller: “NO MORE LETTERS!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure you are hearing me. You will be getting a cheque in the mail soon.”

Caller: “NO LETTERS! YOU STOP!” *click*

The Tragic School Bus

, , , , | Working | September 10, 2017

(I am heading home after my first day of school in an area I’m unfamiliar with, and I need to take a bus back home. I’m not completely sure which bus I’m supposed to take, so I ask the driver.)

Me: “Is this the bus that goes to Brampton?”

Driver: *gruffly* “Sit down.”

Me: *thinking that means “yes”* “Okay, then.”

(I sit down, and realize after a few minutes that this is taking me somewhere I am completely unfamiliar with. I decide to go back to the driver just to make sure.)

Me: “Excuse me, but is this the bus that goes to Brampton?”

Driver: “SIT DOWN!”

Me: “…Sorry! I just need to know, so I can get back home!”

Driver: “I TOLD YOU TO F***ING SIT DOWN!”

Me: *getting a bit agitated* “Why won’t you just tell me if this is the way for me to get home?”

Driver: “If you don’t sit down right now, I will stop the bus and kick you out!”

Me: *We are now on a busy highway, and I know he’s not allowed to do that.* “No! Why aren’t you just answering my question!? Besides, you can’t drop me off in the middle of a highway, anyway!”

Driver: “F*** you! I’m calling the police!”

(The driver did, in fact, pull over to call the police. We were parked for nearly twenty minutes until they arrived. The bus driver accused me of assaulting him, but the other passengers on the bus backed me up and told the police he was lying. The police ended up calling me a cab, which I had to pay for. Even for a jacka**, you’d think he would have saved himself the headache and just told me where the bus was going.)

Whipped Cream And Pee Jars And Tag, Oh My!

, , , , , | Learning | September 10, 2017

(I am one of three RAs in a freshman dorm. I am talking to one of the SRAs (Senior RA) as my shift ends, when I see three freshman residents exiting the elevator, covered in whipped cream.)

SRA: “What happened, guys?”

Freshman #1: “I want to switch roommates!” *The other freshmen pipe up loudly that they, too, want to switch roommates.*

SRA: “Did your roommates do this to all of you? Did you do anything to them first?”

Freshman #2: “Well, we’ve been collecting bottles of our pee and placing it in their clothing, and under their bed sheets, but they started it first!”

(The SRA looks at me as this guy is talking, knowing there’s going to be a s***-ton of paperwork and meetings over this.)

Me: “Tag, you’re it!” *walks away*

(Don’t worry, I’m not a horrible RA. I came back with coffee for the SRA and we sorted this out together. I just wanted to see her reaction when she thought I left her.)

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