Lettuce Try That Again

, , , , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

(I’m the bad customer in this story. I am ordering a sandwich at a popular sub shop, where they make your sandwich in front of you.)

Employee: “Lettuce, tomato?”

Me: *looking at the green peppers and onions* “No, just green peppers and lettuce.”

(She grabs lettuce.)

Me: “No! Just green peppers and lettuce.”

Employee: “Yep.” *starts spreading the lettuce on my sandwich*

Me: *confused and frustrated* “No, I don’t want lettuce!” *finally realize my mistake* “Sorry! I meant green peppers and onions only. I don’t know why I kept saying lettuce when I meant onion.”

Employee: *look of panic and swipes the lettuce off the sandwich* “Is this all right?” *referring to the tiny pieces of lettuce left behind*

Me: “Of course, it was my mistake. I’m the one that kept telling you lettuce.”

Employee: “I’ve had other customers do the exact same thing as you, but make me remake the whole sandwich.”

The Virus Of Ignorance

, , , | Working | January 5, 2018

(One night, I get home from work and have no Internet. I am a technician myself, so I check all the usual suspects, reboot both modem and router, check both machines on the network, double check wiring, and nothing seems to be bringing it back up. So, I call tech support.)

Me: “My Internet is down, and I can’t figure out why. I’ve checked all my connections, rebooted all machines and the modem and router, and I’m getting nowhere. Is there a known outage in my area?”

Technician: “The number you’re calling from isn’t on file. Can you call back with the number we have registered?”

Me: “No, I can’t. The number you have registered is [Internet phone service], so voice over IP.”

Technician: “You should always be calling from the number we have registered.”

Me: “But it’s voice over IP – Internet-based phone service. If I have no Internet, I can’t use that line. I didn’t register this number, because I normally reserve my cell only for emergencies, and don’t want surveys or sales calls coming to my cell.”

Technician: “Oh, we don’t use it for that.”

Me: “Yes, you do. I get sales calls routinely on my registered line. But that’s not the point. The point is that I have no Internet. Is there an outage in my area?”

Technician: “Nope, no outages in your area. If you call back with the registered number, we can pull up your account and see if there’s a problem there.”

Me: *deep sigh* “Is there another way to pull up my account?”

(He very begrudgingly asks for some information to look up the account, which I provide.)

Technician: “Oh, your computer has a virus. You’ll have to download our virus software and fix it before we can let you back online. We’ve been emailing you for days, and have finally shut off your service until you get it fixed.”

Me: “I never received an email.”

Technician: “We sent it to your [Website #1] email.”

Me: “Ah, that [Website #1] email, that should be obvious that I never use, and therefore never check. Why didn’t you also send it to my [Website #2] account? My bill notifications go there, so clearly you have it.”

Technician: “I can’t answer that, ma’am.”

Me: *pauses for a moment* “Okay, setting aside for the moment that it is going to be kind of difficult to download anything without Internet, why have you assumed I have a virus?”

Technician: “It says here that you do, ma’am.”

Me: “Do you have anymore information than just that?”

Technician: “Yeah, but it’s technical.”

Me: *rolls eyes* “Try me.”

Technician: “Your computer is constantly asking for an address. This means it has a virus.”

Me: *face-palm* “You’re receiving repeated DHCP requests, then? Did you remember that I said that I rebooted both the modem and my router?”

Technician: “I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

Me: “When you use a router, the computers behind it don’t get their addresses from your servers, they get them from the router. The only device on my home network that would be asking for a DHCP address directly from your server would be the router, which means I don’t have a virus. It means my router isn’t working properly.”

Technician: “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

Me: “I went to college for networking. That is how it works. I’ll tell you what. I’ll remove the router from the network and plug one of my machines into the modem directly. You reinstate my service, and I will order a new router. I guarantee you that will solve the problem. If you’re getting excessive DHCP requests again, shut me down again, but I’m sure that’s the problem.”

Technician: “But you have a virus!”

Me: “No, I don’t. Not only is that not what the symptoms are telling me, but all my computers have aggressive virus protection that’s updated and run frequently, so it would be very unlikely. Give me an hour. If I’m right, you’ll get one DHCP request and that’s it. If I’m wrong, you’ll get the repeated requests, and you can shut me down again. But I’m not wrong.”

(The technician grumbled a bit more, and then did as I asked. I had unplugged the router while I was talking to him, and I finished rewiring after I hung up. I ordered a new router, and miraculously, my “virus” problem went away.)

A Variance In The Rules

, , , , | Working | January 3, 2018

(I work at an amusement park. Around midday we get super busy at my store. The Team Leads are the only ones allowed to void a transaction or do returns.)

Team Lead: “You bag; I’ll cash people out.”

(I am put on bagging while the Team Lead uses my account to do transactions. At the end of the night, after I am counted out by a supervisor, I have a $20 variance.)

Supervisor: “Was anyone besides yourself using your till?”

Me: “[Team Lead] got on it when we were busy.”

Supervisor: “Why would you allow that?”

Me: “Since [Company] doesn’t allow associates to void transactions anymore, it’s a pain to get the Team Lead whenever I need a void or a return.”

Supervisor: “You shouldn’t have allowed that. Now we can’t be sure who caused the variance!”

Me: “Can I ask why you won’t let associates void things anymore? We use to be allowed.”

Supervisor: “The Heads were worried about associates stealing money, and they felt it gave the associates too much power. You know teenagers can be really iffy; we fired two associates for stealing already.”

Me: “But now, I have no power over my till, and I could be fired since this is my second large variance!”

Supervisor: *clearly annoyed at Corporate* “I know! The rules are being made up by people who haven’t worked in retail for over 20 years. Don’t even talk to me about that! But regardless, you can’t blame your Team Lead because the Heads will just say they’re doing their job. I have to just have you sign off on it and hope we just miscounted.”

(Luckily, I wasn’t called about that variance, but the next time the Team Lead tried to take over my till I told her no, and I wasn’t fired.)

The Ghost Of Kenny Rogers Past

, , , , , , , , | Related | December 29, 2017

(My dad and I love to make references. My mom never gets them, and my brother gets annoyed when he does get them. It’s Christmas and we’ve just finished opening our presents. I’m in the process of taking all of my presents downstairs, and as I’m doing so, the others are talking about gambling, as a joke, since every year we all get lottery tickets in our stockings.)

Brother: “Who gambles in this family?”

Dad: “Oh, you know, your mom, her sister…”

(He’s still talking as we both look over at Mom.)

Brother: “You gamble?”

(She shakes her head no with a smile on her face.)

Dad: “No, she’s too cheap.”

Mom: *laughs* “Didn’t have the money.”

Dad: “Yeah, she knows when to hold ’em, knows when to fold ’em…”

(I smile because I know where he’s going with this.)

Me: “Knows when to walk away? Knows when to run?”

Brother: “Oh, jeez.”

Dad: “She never counts her money when she’s sitting at the table.”

Me: “There’ll be time enough for counting when the dealing’s done!”

(My brother groaned, Dad and I laughed, and my mother just shrugged like she always does when she doesn’t get it.)

Sizing Up To Be An Issue

, , , | Right | December 29, 2017

(I am working in a shoe store in a mall. I get this almost every time a mother and her children walk in.)

Customer: “I like this sandal for my daughter. What other colors do these come in?”

Me: “Well, we only have what is displayed on the tables, so blue, red, and white, as well as the black one you are holding.”

Customer: “All right, I will take this in my daughter’s size.”

Me: “Sure thing. What size does your daughter wear?”

(Note that we do not have a foot measure and the daughter isn’t even in the store with her.)

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Neither do I.” *laughs*

Customer: “You need to know her size?”

Me: “…”

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