Pepper-no-meat

, , , , , | Right | November 29, 2017

(I work in a popular grocery store in Canada that also sells hot foods, and I’m working the pizza counter.)

Me: “Hello, were you wanting to grab a slice?”

Customer: “Yes, that vegetarian slice.”

(I grab the vegetarian slice and go to put it in the oven to heat it up.)

Customer: “NO! NO! I wanted that vegetarian slice!”

(He points to the slice of pepperoni.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I thought you wanted a veggie slice. I’ll just switch.”

(He starts to interrupt me.)

Customer: “That is a vegetarian slice.”

(I am almost unsure how to reply, thinking he is joking.)

Me: “Haha, no, it’s pepperoni, sir. That is a type of meat!”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes. 100% sure.”

Customer: “Give me the f****** other slice, then. I’ve always had that other type of pizza, and I have been a vegetarian for five years!”

(A customer standing behind him starts to laugh and says:)

Customer #2: “Obviously, you weren’t a vegetarian, dumba**.”

(I had a good laugh with my coworkers afterwards. Funny thing is, this happens more frequently than you would think! Learn the difference between meat and vegetables if you’re a vegetarian!)

Not In The Spirit Of The Phonetic Alphabet

, , , , , | Related | November 29, 2017

Not (My aunt works as a 911 dispatcher and owns a dog named Charlie.)

Mom: “Hey, [Aunt], what’s your Wi-Fi password?”

Aunt: “Hold on; I have it written down here somewhere… Okay, it’s 123, ‘Charlie,’ 456, ‘Whiskey.'”

Mom: “No, it says that’s incorrect. You said, ‘[repeats back password]’?”

Aunt: “Yeah, it should work… Wait, are you typing ‘Charlie’ and ‘Whiskey’ in as words?!”

Mom: “Well, yes!”

Aunt: “Oh, I was using the phonetic alphabet! It’s 123C456W!”

Mom: “‘Charlie,’ I didn’t question, but I didn’t think whiskey was so important to you!”

Will Need To Sweet-Talk Your Way Out Of This One

, , , , , , | Working | November 23, 2017

(It is about 30 years ago, when I am starting out as a food chemist, and I have been invited to give a talk to the FDA in Washington, DC. After the talk, I am shown around one of the labs where they are doing some toxicity testing on aspartame, a synthetic sweetener about 200 times sweeter than sucrose. I have never heard of it, so I ask to take some back to my lab to analyze. They give it to me in a little unmarked plastic bag. After I land in Toronto, I have to go through Canadian customs.)

Customs: “Do you have anything to declare?”

Me: “No.”

Customs: “Any food?”

(I think for half a second, pull the unmarked bag of white, powdery aspartame out of my coat pocket, and say:)

Me: “Yes.”

(I have never seen armed men come that fast. They put me in a back room and a few minutes later a border agent comes in.)

Border Agent: “What are you doing with this much cocaine?”

Me: “What?! No, this is aspartame. It’s a sweetener.”

Border Agent: “Never heard of it. What is aspartame?”

Me: “You know, I don’t really know.”

(I open the bag and dip my finger into it and lick it.)

Me: “Good God! That’s sweet!”

(The border agent also tastes it and agrees it really is a sweetener. But before they let me go, the border agent makes a comment.)

Border Agent: “Makes sense it wasn’t cocaine; I don’t think anyone would be stupid enough to pull out a bag of cocaine when asked if there was anything to declare.”

Won’t Amount To Anything

, , , | Working | November 22, 2017

(I’m the idiot in this story. An elderly customer comes to my till with a gift card.)

Customer: “Can you read this for me?”

Me: “Sure!” *turns the card over* “Which part would you like me to read?”

Customer: “The amount?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “I’m really sorry; it’s been a long day…”

(At least we got a good laugh out of it!)

It All Boils Down To Stupidity

, , , , , | Right | November 20, 2017

(I am working in customer service, taking calls from customers with questions about our product line, how to cook, etc. A woman calls to complain about our BREADED chicken fingers.)

Me: “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I want to complain about your chicken fingers. They’re awful; even my dog won’t eat them!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Which product did you purchase?”

(The caller gives me the product code, etc. They are breaded chicken fingers, meant to be baked or deep-fried only. The instructions are clearly on the box.)

Me: “Which method of cooking did you use?”

Caller: “I boiled them!”

Me: “Excuse me, boiled? In water?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are breaded chicken fingers; you can’t boil them. They are to be deep-fried or baked only.”

Caller: “Well, I boil everything.”

Me: “I’m sorry. You cannot boil chicken fingers, because the breading will come off and turn to mush.”

Caller: “Well, you should say that on your product boxes.”

Me: “…?”

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