Caveman Times Called; They Want Your Friend Back

, , , , , , | | Friendly | May 31, 2019

(This happens several years ago, when a now former friend who was in his late 40s and I are at a bar. At a table not too far away is a young woman about half his age with her boyfriend and another guy.)

Friend: “I’m going to ask her out.”

Me: “Dude, she’s already got a boyfriend.”

Friend: “I’m going to fight him for her, then.”

Me: “You’re what?

Friend: “I’m going to start a fight with them and win her.”

Me: “…”

Friend: “You got my back, right?”

Me: “You’re starting a fight for a stupid reason. Yeah, you’re on your own here.”

Friend: “But I want her…”

(He didn’t end up starting anything, fortunately for his sake, as these guys looked rather large. Incidents like this, turning aggressive when drinking, are part of why we aren’t friends anymore.)

A Big Bag Of Obvious

, , , , | | Right | May 29, 2019

(A lady comes up to the cash with a pair of clearance boots which don’t have a box. The transaction goes normally until the end. After handing her the receipt, she looks from the receipt to the boots to me.)

Customer: “What am I supposed to carry these with?”

Me: “Would you like to buy a bag?”

(Thanks to years of customer service, I managed to keep from blurting, “WITH YOUR HANDS?!” at her.)

Unfiltered Story #152454

, , , | | Unfiltered | May 29, 2019

[My sister and I are Americans, in Ottawa for a couple of days.  She is the stupid one in this story.  It is approximately 11 hours after we left home.  Our hotel is very nice, and is located a couple of blocks from Parliament Hill]
Sister: Can we change our money here?
Male Desk Worker: Yes, I can do that. [He starts to type things in on the computer terminal.  He turns to the female worker]  How do I do that?
[They go through the process, and a couple of minutes later, he is ready for the actual exchange]
MDW:  How much do you want?
Sister: $40 American
MDW [as he is opening his cash drawer and pulling out the appropriate Canadian Currency]  That will be $42.50
[At this point, my sister is pulling out more than the $40, causing the worker to be confused]
MDW:  I meant that you give me $40, I give <i>you</i>$42.50
We all laugh (we were exhausted from driving all day).  It was a [email protected]#t exchange rate, but we were OK with that.

At Least Her Heart Was In It

, , , , , | | Healthy | May 24, 2019

I was a pre-teen when I was sent to the local hospital with what started as pneumonia, but we quickly discovered I had a host of heart problems. My doctors were debating putting me on the transplant list, or waiting until I could do open heart surgery. I spent about two months in the hospital the first time.

Many of my family and friends were incredibly supportive. They sent get-well cards, comic books, food, and gift cards for the family, and some even came across the country to help with the house. But one cousin, in her 30s, was a bit clueless on the wonderful world of cardiac diseases.

A month into my stay, I received a gift basket from my cousin and her husband. In it, there were Pringles, pretzels, chips, pop, and a note asking us to visit her if we were ever in her state. We don’t know if it was a clerical error or her thinking a preteen loves these foods — which I did, when they didn’t almost kill me.

We laugh about it now, and whenever someone is sick in the family, I always think of the “deliberate cardiac arrest” gift basket.

Got Yourself An Allocated Ringside Seat To Their Disagreement

, , , , , | | Right | May 24, 2019

(I am seventeen. A few of my friends are seated for a midnight showing on opening day for the new “Lord of the Rings” movie. I’m am running late and will meet them there. The theater is absolutely sold out, and seats were all assigned by the theater when they were purchased. The first half of the story is told to me by my friends, as it happens before I arrive. There is an argument about seats in the row just in front of them. A group of four young guys is taking up the first four seats of the row, and there is one empty seat next to them. An adult couple comes up to them.)

Adult Man: “Excuse me, we’re supposed to be sitting in this row. I think you’re in one of our seats.”

Young Guy: “Nope. These are our seats.”

Adult Man: “Well, they’re assigned. Our tickets are for seats four and five.”

Young Guy: “You snooze, you lose. Sit somewhere else.”

(It’s clear that the young guys want to sit together, but one of their tickets is in another row.)

Adult Man: “No. You’re going to move so we can sit in our seats.”

Young Guy: “Make me.”

Adult Woman: *quietly to her husband* “It’s going to start soon. I’ll get an employee.”

(The young guy and the adult man begin to argue. They’re not loud or aggressive, but the young man is, I’m told, very rude. The wife hasn’t returned yet when I finally arrive. It’s relevant that I am hurrying from somewhere that required me to be in a full suit. I am in my finest outfit, but still don’t look a day over seventeen. I begin to scan the audience for my friends, and when I see them I point and begin hurrying up the aisle to them. I can’t reach my seat because of the argument is now blocking me.)

Me: “Excuse me.”

(I mean, “Let me through,” but everyone thinks I am demanding attention. The argument stops as both parties look at me. They take me for a manager. But I don’t clue in to any of this the entire time.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

(I mean, “What are you all looking at me for?” but everyone thinks I’m asking them to explain the situation.)

Adult Man: “Yes, we’re having a disagreement about our seats.”

Me: “That can’t happen; the seats are assigned. You sit where it says on your ticket.”

Adult Man: “Seats four and five.” *shows me his tickets*

Me: “Then that’s where you sit.” *still totally oblivious as to why they would be telling this to me*

Adult Man: *to the young guys* “You heard him.”

(One of the guys slowly gets up and walks away, as the adult man sits down where he was. With them out of the aisle, I finally take my seat with my friends, who are all laughing.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Friends: “We’ll tell you later.”

(The wife returned with an usher, and they both just shrugged as the problem was resolved.)

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