Planning On Taking A Life The Same Day You’re Giving Birth To One

, , , , , | | Healthy | June 6, 2019

I’m past due with my second child by a week when I wake up around 4:00 am and find fresh blood in the toilet after urinating. I wake my husband, get the toddler ready, and grab the bags, and we get to the hospital a little before 7:00 am. At this point, I am beginning to feel contractions coming on. The intake takes several minutes before I’m placed in a pre-check room — essentially a small department of eight beds, divided by curtains, where they do cervix checks, blood pressure, and first-step inductions. I’m placed in the last bed on the far side and hooked up to a fetus monitor while a new nurse checks all my vitals. I come to hate this woman immediately.

She tells us first that my toddler can’t be in the room with us, to which my husband and I both say we are trying to contact nearby family but no one’s answering yet, plus we have yet to be moved to a birthing suite and I cannot carry all those bags myself at this time. The nurse relents after two more tellings, but says snippily that the toddler can’t be there for the birth. We both know and inform her that we have no intention of having my toddler in the room at that time. She leaves and my husband goes back to calling family repeatedly.

A second nurse comes in, checks everything and suggests maybe I go home, stating that it’s probably too early for anything to happen. I tell her I don’t want to — that the contractions are starting to hurt badly — so she takes me into the birthing wing and sets me up in the jacuzzi. I’m there for twenty minutes. The first half, I’m starting to feel better, but then the contractions double. I count through the pain that I’m in a contraction for about a minute every two minutes.

Cue the b**** nurse. She comes in at 8:00 am and says I shouldn’t be in the tub — yet doesn’t help me climb out — and that my contractions can’t possibly be coming that fast, and has me walk back to the intake wing. Everything hurts! I’m trying not to cry and to do the breathing exercises, etc., all while the nurse hooks me back up to the fetus monitor, berates my husband for still having our toddler here, and then leaves. She only returns once, to snap at me, saying, “You need to keep it down! You can’t be screaming or crying; you’re upsetting other patients here!”

For context, I was induced in my first pregnancy due to the possibility of preeclampsia, stayed four days in the hospital, and was so completely loopy between lack of sleep and the epidural that come the birth, I did it half-dazed. I have never experienced the pain before this, but I’m trying to soldier on and muffle any screaming and tears due to my toddler being in the room. I finally convince the nurse to check my cervix next time she’s in, which she does, only to say I’m not even dilated. That’s a lie, because I was nearly two centimeters dilated when I saw my OB three days ago. I ask for the doctor and she says he’s not there and leaves. My husband leaves at this time to pass our toddler on to family. Out of desperation, I call out for a nurse until another one comes a few minutes later. I immediately ask to see the doctor and she goes to fetch him. He comes in at 9:00 am with the b**** nurse, who’s talking to him, “She’s not dilated… Didn’t do labour classes… Not breathing right…”

I want to punch her.

The doctor takes off the fetus monitor devices and checks my cervix. He goes, “She’s four centimeters dilated! Get her to the birthing suite now.” Then he vacates the room.

The nurse looks at me. “Okay, let’s go.”

A second nurse asks if she should grab the wheelchair, to which b**** nurse says we don’t need it and proceeds to have me walk out of the intake wing and into the labour side. That’s a distance of seven hospital beds and past three birthing rooms.

I’m leaning against the wall, trying to walk through crippling contractions, while she’s telling me I need to hurry up and I shouldn’t take so long. I hiss at my husband that if she doesn’t stop talking at me, once I get closer I’m going to rip her throat out. Unfortunately, she says nothing by the time I shuffle to the door and disappears.

No thanks to her, I can’t receive any pain medication because I am too far dilated by this point, and I deliver my healthy baby a few minutes after 10:00 am.

Wrong Number, Wrongest Attitude

, , , , , , , | | Right | June 6, 2019

(The phone rings.)

Me: “[Store], [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: “Sorry, I wanted [Competitor].” *hangs up*

(About a minute later, the phone rings again.)

Me: “[Store], [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: “Argh, I wanted [Competitor]!” *hangs up*

(Less than a minute later, the phone rings again.)

Me: *sigh* “[Store], [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: “F***, why can’t I get [Competitor]?”

Me: “Well, if you keep calling the same number, you’re going to keep getting the same store.”

Customer: “But this is the number I was given!” *hangs up*

(Seconds later, the phone rings again.)

Me: “[Store]—“

Customer: *cuts me off* “F***, if you say you’re [Store] again, I’m going to come down there and kill you.”

Me: *pauses* “Yeah, I still work for [Store], and I should tell you that as soon as we are done here, I will be forwarding your phone number to the police. Have a nice day.” *hangs up*

(I called the police immediately after. It turns out he had a long history of making threats, and was currently out on bail for a similar charge. I’m guessing it was revoked.)

The Snow Is Creeping In

, , , , | | Working | June 4, 2019

(I usually drive into work with a coworker of mine, and he lives around the corner from me, so he just walks to my house and I drive us both. Today he had an earlier start.)

Coworker: “I’m tired.”

Me: “Me, too. But I guess you started work earlier than me today.”

Coworker: “Yeah. And I stood outside your house like a creep.”

Me: *laughs* “What?”

Coworker: “I came in with [Other Coworker] and I didn’t want to have to explain where I live, and she knows where you live, so we just decided to meet at your house. So, I just stood at the end of your driveway at 6:45 in the morning.”

Me: “Ha! What would you have done if I was awake and I looked out the window to see how much snow there was, and just saw you hanging out in front of my house?”

Coworker: “Waved, I guess.”

Blame Canada! Part 8

, , , , , , | | Right | June 4, 2019

(I’m a dispatcher on the phone with an irate Boston customer for nearly twenty minutes about the fact that his hot tub will not be delivered until after the Canadian Holiday.)

Caller: “What do you mean, you will be delivering it Tuesday?! Today is Monday, and on Friday, the tracking said one business day until delivery!”

Me: “Yes, I apologize on our company’s behalf. But, as I have mentioned, we have a holiday in Canada on Monday and, therefore, it will not arrive until tomorrow.”

Caller: “That’s garbage! It’s not even a real holiday! Why the h*** is it not being delivered?”

(I’m tired of repeating myself, but I try once more.)

Me: “It is being delivered, sir, but all our drivers are off Monday so they can be with their families.”

Caller: “That’s it! Get me your manager on the phone now! Someone is going to be in hot water here!”

Me: “And it certainly won’t be you, sir. Have a nice day!” *click*

(My boss had to give me a little grief for this one, but after a good chuckle. Yes, Americans, Canadian holidays are as real to us as yours are to you.)

Blame Canada! Part 7
Blame Canada! Part 6
Blame Canada! Part 5

Unfiltered Story #152514

, , , | | Unfiltered | June 1, 2019

(I do in-store demos and of late have begun gathering a category of customer stories I call “Demo’ing While Jewish,” gathered from customers who notice I am wearing a Star of David necklace.)

Me: … And that’s the machine. What did you think? Wanna try it out?

Customer: Are you Jewish?

Customer 2 (customer 1’s husband), excitedly: I think she is, honey! Look at the Jewish Star!

Me: .. Umm.. yes, I am.

Customer: That’s amazing! You should come talk to our Church. We love Jews at our Church. Our pastor teaches that Jews are the holiest people on the planet and you know, we tithe for your souls.

Me: … thank you?

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