I Don’t Work Here, But I’ll Try My Best

, , , | Right | March 12, 2021

I am shopping in a discount department store when there’s a big commotion in one of the aisles. There’s shouting and some crashing sounds, and I see an employee on the floor. I try to stay out of it as a crowd of customers forms gawking. All the employees rush over to the aisle to control whatever situation has sprung up. I have no medical or security training of any kind, so I would be of no use to anyone.

The department phone rings as I am walking by. Knowing no one will be able to answer it, I pick it up and attempt to be helpful.

Me: “Sporting goods, this is [My Name].”

Caller: “Hi, I was just wondering if you guys sell any ski masks.”

Me: “You mean like a balaclava, the full face hat with the holes?”

Caller: “Yeah, that’s the thing.”

It just so happens that these are visible on the shelf from where I’m standing.

Me: “Yes, of course. We have a few different sizes and colours here.”

Caller: “Perfect, I’ll come by now to pick some out.” *Hangs up*

Not sure if it was wise to take a call when I had no idea what I’m doing. But I knew that no employee would be available for a bit, and I just wanted to help them out during a clearly crazy moment.

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Rise Like A Very Confused Phoenix

, , , | Healthy | March 10, 2021

My indoor tabby cat is ten years old. Recently, we had a little health scare with him that got so bad we thought we were going to lose him. Luckily, he pulled through. We decided from then on we were going to take him for regular vet checks. Yes, I know we should have been taking him regularly before.

After having a bad experience with one clinic, we are recommended to a better clinic. They are great with my boy and super nice.

After the first visit, I talk to the vet.

Vet #1: “Phoenix is in great health. His ticker is good, his teeth are great, and he is very well-behaved. Since he is ten now, I’d like you to put him on senior food.”

Six months later, we go back to the vet to get some vaccines. 

Vet #2: “I am really concerned about Phoenix’s teeth. He has some bad gingivitis; you won’t be able to see it if you looked but I have a trained eye so I can see it. Also, why do you have him on a senior food?”

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And You Thought Telemarketers Were Annoying

, , , , | Working | March 9, 2021

Until about fifteen years ago, I used one of my country’s “big banks.” For various reasons, I changed banks. A few years later, I moved a few thousand kilometers away. I’m still in intermittent contact with my former housemate. Sometimes, she mentions that she is receiving mail from [Bank]. She has placed “return to sender” and “moved” on the envelopes and has gone into [Bank] and spoken with them. I’ve called the bank a few times but can’t ever seem to get anywhere with anyone, as there is no card number. The letters keep coming every month. With my permission, my housemate opens some. Yup. They contain some personal information. Others are simply junk mail. The letters still continue nearly ten years later.

I call my former branch. Unfortunately, I can’t get through to a living human without a bank card number. I call the national line and am on hold for a very long time. Again, I am asked for a banking card number. Fortunately, I am able to reach a representative. I explain my issue: that my accounts have been closed for well over a decade and that letters keep arriving in a former housemate’s mailbox. I tell him that the letters contain personal information and that it’s only because my former housemate is a good person that nothing bad has happened. This person is kind enough to give me the number of a branch manager. I call her.

Me: “I’m calling about letters that [Bank] keeps sending to my previous address. They arrive almost every month, but I closed all of my accounts over a decade ago. I’m worried that this could lead to identity theft.”

The branch manager verifies my former phone number and nothing else — not even a birthdate.

Manager: “Yes, I see that all of your accounts were closed in [year]. We’re sending valuable investment offers and updates with [Bank].”

Me: “Please stop them. They are not reaching me and never will. I am not a [Bank] customer.”

Manager: “You are missing out on exciting investments.”

Me: “No. I like my current bank. Stop sending them.”

Manager: “I will put in a request. Now, would you please provide me with a current address?”

Me: “No.”

Manager: “We won’t send any junk mail or anything. You will only receive updates of what [Bank] is offering.”

Me: “Absolutely not.”

Manager: “It’s very important that we have a current address for fraud prevention.”

Me: “So, I should call [Competitor Bank] and give them my address, too? To prevent fraud?”

There is a fairly long pause.

Me: “Please just stop all mailings under my name.”

I hung up. Let’s see if my former housemate, yet again, finds letters in her mailbox from [Bank] addressed to me.

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So Simple A Newborn Could Do It

, , , , , , | Working | March 4, 2021

My wife and I are having our first child soon so we are trying to get the essentials bought as soon as possible. The most important, or at least the most expensive, is the stroller.

We go shopping at a baby store that sells cribs, car seats, and strollers. Once we get there, the salesman immediately comes over to greet us. He says a warm hello to my wife and her mother and then takes them off to see the strollers, leaving me to trail behind them.

The salesman is very enthusiastic and shows us a few strollers in our price range.

Me: “This one seems to be the best option, as far as I can tell. How does it fold up?”

The salesman reaches down and folds it up in one quick fluid motion.

Salesman: “Ta-da!”

Me: “Okay, but how exactly did you do that? It was too quick for me to follow.”

Salesman: *Turns to my wife* “He’s not so on the ball is he?”

Then, he turns back to me and speaks slowly, as if to a child.

Salesman: “You… hold… here… and… pull… up… on… the… handles… here.”

Then, he gave me a smug look and went back to talking to my wife. I didn’t bother asking any more questions about the stroller and went home steamed about the whole encounter. We did end up buying it, though.

Once the stroller got delivered, wouldn’t you know it, none of us could figure out half the things it did. Once the car seat was attached to the stroller, no one could figure out how to get it off. After an hour and several instructional videos online, we discovered that the detach buttons were actually invisible and hidden under a layer of padding. 

If only there had been someone whose job it was to demonstrate how it worked.

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Things Are About To Get Heated

, , , , , | Romantic | March 4, 2021

My boyfriend has recently gotten a new stove in his home, finally replacing the previous model from the 1980s. He has read the instruction booklet and is absolutely thrilled to discover that it has an air fryer function. He’s excitedly showing me the new stove and talking about it.

Me: *Teasing* “Maybe one day you’ll look at me the way you look at the new stove.”

Boyfriend: “Well, maybe one day you’ll come with an air fryer function.”

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