Not Emotionally Scarred

, , , | Right | September 18, 2017

(I have a scar on my jawline. It’s not super noticeable, but it’s there. I also have an excuse I use if anyone asks me about it and I don’t want to explain it.)

Customer: “Oh, hey, you have a little something there.”

Me: “I do?”

Customer: “Yeah, right there, by your jaw.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, that’s from when I got in a knife fight with a bear. You should see the other guy!”

Customer: “Umm, uh, really?”

Me: “I know, right? Who gives a bear a knife? They have talons already.”

Customer: *finally cluing in* “Oh, my God! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to offend you!”

Me: “It’s okay; I have thick skin. See, right here!” *points at scar*

That’s Your Cross To Bear

, , , | Related | September 14, 2017

(My niece, my nephew, and I are all visiting my parents’ house for the weekend. In their family room, my parents have a stuffed bear that loudly sings “When I’m Sixty-Four” when you push a button on it. My nephew thinks the bear is scary and makes them put it away when he visits. This time, though, they’ve forgotten. I notice, and quietly hide it away. I go inform my mom what I’ve done.)

Me: *quietly, so just my mom can hear* “Just so you know, you forgot to put the bear away, so I’ve put it in the cupboard under the computer desk. I hope [Nephew] didn’t see it.”

Mom: “He did, but that’s okay.” *turns to my nephew* “[Nephew], Uncle [My Name] just made sure the bear went away. Do you have anything you want to say to him?”

Nephew: *looks me dead in the eye with a most serious expression and angry tone* “Don’t let it happen again.”

Not Smart Enough For A Smart Phone

, , , , | Right | September 13, 2017

(A customer enters our store. She has been here before on multiple occasions to inquire about phones and plans. She doesn’t have an account with our company yet.)

Customer: “Hi, I have come back to try to purchase a phone and plan, once again.”

Me: “Okay, what kind of phone were you looking to get?”

Customer: “I don’t know. The [Brand] one that’s easy to use.”

(We sell a lot of the mini-version of a particular phone, as starter smartphones for the older customers.)

Me: “The [Starter Phone]? Sure, what did you need in your plan?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, well, do you talk a lot on your phone?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, how much do you think you talk on the phone? On average.”

Customer: “I don’t know! How would I know?! You tell me how much I talk on the phone!”

Me: “I have no way of knowing how much you talk on your phone, as I am not you.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know how much I talk.”

Me: “Well, do you text or need access to internet?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

(At this point, I’m just fed up and I give her two options for plans and ask her which one she thinks would suit her needs better.)

Customer: “This is too difficult! I just wanted to come in, get a phone with a plan and that’s it. You are giving me too many options! Just forget it” *stomps out in a huff*

It Looks Like Pokémon Isn’t In The Cards

, , , , | Learning | September 13, 2017

(At my school, there is a storm drain in the middle of the playground. Nobody thinks much of it until we hear someone yell.)

Kid: “HEY, THERE’S A POKÉMON CARD IN THERE!”

(Everyone rushes over and looks down. Sure enough, there is a Pokémon card lying face down at the bottom of the storm drain. Every day, for about a month, everyone tries to open the cover or stick things through to try to get the card, but to no avail. One day, everyone is called by the principal into the auditorium for a surprise assembly.)

Principal: “Today I want to talk to you about safety. I have noticed for a while now that everyone seems to be crowding around the storm drain at recess. That is very unsafe, and there is no reason why anyone should try to mess with the cover… because I got the Pokémon card.” *he pulls a worn, crumpled up Pokémon card from his back pocket* “As you can see, it’s just a Pidgey, nothing special.”

(Thinking that this was just a way to get us to stay away from the storm drain, we still looked in to check at recess. The Pokémon card was gone.)

Licking These Cakes Into Shape

, , , , , | Working | September 12, 2017

My mother and soon-to-be step-father were getting married, and we were all out looking for a cake. We asked around and tried to find the best place to buy one, and wound up in a rather nice neighborhood at a fancy bakery.

We walked in and oohed and ahhed at all the good-looking cakes, and went to get ours custom-made.

As my parents ordered the cake, I wandered around until I reached a door in the back and looked through its window. Inside was the kitchen, and two men were baking. As I watched, one started to apply some icing, and when he ran out, he ran his fingers down and then LICKED the tool! Then, without washing it, he started putting more on.

Horrified, I went back to my parents and told them what happened. We quickly canceled the order, left, and didn’t go back.

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