Customer: “Our daughter is looking for a book called Antonyms and Cinnamons.”

(I type it into our search system, but no dice.)

Me: “Would you know the author’s name?”

Customer: “No, I forget. It was something weird though. She wrote it down, but I forget.”

Me: “Might you mean Antonyms and Synonyms?”

Customer: “Yes! That’s it!”

(I search again.)

Me: “Nothing with that exact title is coming up. Was there more to it?”

Customer: “The author’s name. It was something funny. Sounded like a dinosaur. Wait, I think I might have it here.”

(She searches through her pockets and fishes out a little folded piece of paper.)

Customer: “Here it is. Antonyms and Cinnamons by Theo Saurus!'”

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(Our tea shop closes at 9:00 pm. The time is currently 9:10. There is one couple and their child still in the store. I am cleaning the bathroom. The customer opens the bathroom door.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m cleaning this bathroom.”

Customer: “But my son has to go.”

Me: “I’m using bleach; it’s very dangerous here. I can’t let you use the bathroom.”

Customer: “But my son has to go!”

Me: “I can’t let you use it. We’re already closed and I have to finish cleaning.”

Customer: *to another employee* “Your crazy cleaning lady won’t let my son use the bathroom. Can I speak to your manager?”

Coworker: “That is the manager.”

(The customer silently grabbed his wife and son and walked out without another word.)

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Customer: “I checked your flyer and it said that [Major Brand] margarine was on sale this week.”

Me: “I don’t believe so, but I will check our flyer to see.”

(As I’m flipping through the pages she stops when she sees an advertisement for a sale.)

Customer: “See, right there. It says save $2.98.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it says save $2.98 when you buy [Company Brand] Margarine, not [Major Brand].”

Customer: “Oh. Well, my husband needs the salt-free kind, and [Company Brand] doesn’t make a salt-free.”

Me: “That’s not the one that’s on sale.”

Customer: “He needs a salt-free kind.”

Me: “Then you’ll have to buy the [Major Brand] one.”

Customer: “But it’s not on sale, and he needs a salt-free.”

Me: “Yes, I heard you ma’am, but if [Company Brand], doesn’t make a salt-free margarine, then you will have to buy the [Major Brand].”

Customer: “You don’t understand. My husband needs a salt-free margarine. If he has a normal margarine, it will spike his sodium and he’ll die.”

Me: “Then you’ll have to buy the [Major Brand].”

Customer: “But it’s not on sale.”

Me: “Well, there’s nothing I can do about it, ma’am.”

Customer: “You really don’t care anything about my husband’s health, do you? You don’t care that he could die so easily do you?”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s not that I don’t care. You can buy the salt-free [Major Brand].”

Customer: “But that margarine isn’t on sale! You are just going to stand there and murder my husband!”

Customer: “I’m looking for some cheese, but I can’t remember what it’s called.”

Me: “Well, we carry over a hundred different kinds of cheese. Is there anything that you know about it?”

Customer: “It’s a type of Parmesan cheese, and I think it was made from gorilla milk.”

Me: “Gorilla? Uh, do you mean buffalo?”

Customer: “They’re the same thing!”

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(I am calling a customer to let them know that their order is in.)

Me: “May I please speak with Mrs. [Customer]?”

Customer: “Speaking.”

Me: “Hi there, this is [My Name]. I’m calling from [Store] to let you know that your order is in, and you can come pick it up anytime.”

*long pause*

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: “Oh! I’m sorry. I thought you were a recording!”

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