(A customer brings her dog to the front desk in a panic.)

Customer: “My dog has fleas, so I need you to help me. I have been using the flea medication you gave me, but I can still see flea eggs.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can see flea eggs?”

Customer: “I have been trying to pick them off, but they seem to be stuck.”

Me: “Okay, can you show me the eggs you have been trying to pick off?”

(Customer lifts up the dog to show me the belly.)

Customer: “See! These!”

Me: “Ma’am, those are not flea eggs; they are his nipples.”

Customer: “Nipples? But he’s a male. How does he have nipples? They have to be flea eggs.”

Me: “I assure you, he has no fleas, and the ‘eggs’ you have been trying to pick off are in fact his nipples.”

Customer: “Get the vet. You don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s a male! He can’t have nipples.”

Me: “Ma’am, do human males have nipples?”

Customer: *stares blankly for a moment* “Well, s***!” *walks out*

This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Internet Company]. You have reached [My Name]. How can I help?”

Customer: “The Internet isn’t working again!”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that; how long has it not been working?”

Customer: “Since all the weird lights last night!”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, what are the lights on the modem doing now?”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know? It’s covered in tinfoil!”

Me: “Ma’am, that a terrible fire hazard! You need to unwrap that now!”

Customer: “Absolutely not! It’s the only way to keep the aliens out! I would rather burn the house down than allow them into my computer!”

Me: “I’m sorry… aliens?”

Customer: “Yes, aliens! And those weird lights outside; I told you! That’s why it’s not working!”

(I hear her handling aluminum foil and a dog barking in the background.)

Customer: “So, are you going to get me a new modem or not?”

Me: “Certainly, just a moment.”

Customer: “That’s what I thought! Now hurry up! I need to go rewrap the dog!”

This story is part of the Aliens roundup!

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This story is part of our customer conspiracy theorists roundup!

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(I work in a very small café and there is a line heading out the door. A customer is ordering when a woman comes in and walks up to the front of the line.)

Male Coworker: “Miss? There is a line.”

Customer: “Ever heard of ‘ladies first’?”

Male Coworker: “I understand that, ma’am, but you are also cutting in front of many other women who have been patiently waiting.”

Customer: “I am a woman. I have rights! I don’t have to listen to you!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid he’s right. You do need to go to the end of the line.”

Customer: *looking disappointed* “But… but… what about girl power?”

This story is part of our Women’s Equality Day roundup!

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(I am ringing up a customer at my register; she has just told me she forgot her rewards card at home.)

Me: “Do you have a reward card? Oh, shoot. Sorry! It’s just a habit to ask for it.”

Customer: “Haha, don’t worry about it. I understand.”

(There is an elderly man in line behind her.)

Elderly Man: “They’ve programmed you!”

Me: “Haha, yeah, I guess they have.”

Elderly Man: *shouting alarmingly* “They’ve programmed you! You’re some sort of robot, aren’t you?”

Me: *jokingly* “Yep, I’m a robot!”

Elderly Man: *totally serious* “I knew it! You filthy robot! You’re going to kill me, aren’t you? This is some kind of government conspiracy! They sent you here to kill me! Well, I won’t let you!”

(He ran out of the store.)

This story is part of our Weird Checkout Encounters roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

Grocery Workers – We Salute You!  

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(At this time we are having a “fishing derby” where kids can bring fish in and we will measure them. The three biggest fish that have been caught have their measurements on a board.)

Customer: “Are these fish measured in feet?”

Me: “No, they are measured in inches.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “I’m positive considering the biggest according to the board would have to be 17 feet, and the only fish I can think of that can grow to be 17 feet long is a shark.”

Customer: “You have sharks in this lake?!”