(I’m working at a dry cleaners. It’s nearly closing time, so my 6’5″, 250 lb. fiancé is waiting out of sight in the back for me to finish up. A last-minute customer arrives.)

Customer: *angrily* “Are my shirts done yet?!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Let me get those for you.”

(I get the shirts, which the customer has waited a long time to pick up—several weeks. They are therefore not perfectly pressed anymore. The customer inspects them and is clearly not happy.)

Customer: “This is terrible work! Look at this wrinkle!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but they were—”

(The customer shoves himself aggressively over the counter and starts yelling abusively in my face.)

Customer: “WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY DRY CLEANER ARE YOU ANYWAY!?”

(Suddenly, my fiancé, who has heard all this, whips out from the back of the store and jumps in front of the counter, between me and the abusive customer. He moves to within three inches of the customer’s face, and looks down at him menacingly.)

Fiancé: *softly, but in deep bass register* “DO. YOU. HAVE. A. PROBLEM?”

Customer: *cowers back* “No, no… everything’s fine…”

(The customer grabs his shirts and literally flees out the store.  I never saw him again.)

Me: *to fiance* “I love you.”

(I work in a call center for a phone company. We often get customers who will say anything to get a credit. This customer is saying that her phone drops calls.)

Me: “According to my troubleshooting flow, your phone appears to be defective. I can offer to replace your phone for free.”

Customer: “No, I’ll take a credit.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot offer you a credit. I can only offer to replace your phone.”

Customer: “Just give me a credit.”

Me: “I cannot give you a credit.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because that’s the resolution to your issue. Applying a monetary credit to your account will not cause your phone to stop dropping calls.”

Customer: “Yes, it will!”

(An older customer brings up washer fluid.)

Me: “Hi, sir, will this be all?”

Customer: “Yes.” *whispers* “It’s good for keeping the elephants away.”

Me: “Oh… well, have a nice day!”

This story is part of the Elephant roundup!

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(We’ve been experiencing an increase in calls about things customers can do on their own on our website. This results in longer wait times for customers with issues that can only be resolved by speaking with someone at the call center. Because of this, we’ve been told to promote self-serve options on our website at the beginning of each call.)

Me: “Okay, and while we’re waiting for your account to load up, I’d just like to take this time to let you know about the self-serve options on our website. You can review your invoice, make a payment, and even cancel or activate features or change your phone number.”

Customer: “Listen, lady, I don’t want a lecture on what I can do myself. I want you to do as I tell you to. That’s what customer service is. If I wanted to do it myself, I would.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to imply that you had to do those things online. Lots of customers just aren’t aware of the options available online, so they end up waiting on hold for a representative when they don’t need to.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!”

Me: “I didn’t mean to. I was just explaining why I had mentioned our website.”

Customer: “Stop talking about your website!”

Me: “I-I’m sorry, sir. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Well, apparently you can’t! You want me to do all the work myself!”

Me: “No, that’s not what I want at all. I was just letting you know—”

Customer: “I want you to apologize.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “I want you to say you’re sorry for telling me about the website.”

Me: “Believe me, sir, I am sorry I ever mentioned it.”

(A mother and her son are sampling several kinds of ice cream, trying to decide what kind of ice cream cake they want. Note that all flavors are clearly labelled with their contents.)

Customer: “Are there nuts in the pralines ‘n’ cream ice cream? My son is allergic to nuts.”

Me: “Yes, pralines are nuts. You did not tell me he has a nut allergy. How’s your son, is he okay? Should I call an ambulance? Do you need help?”

Customer: “So, about my cake… I’m still not really sure what flavors I want. How can I order my cake now? My son’s face is getting itchy.”

Me: “You should probably just go ahead and take him to the hospital. Can I call someone? Do you want to use my phone? How’s your son doing?”

Customer: “Yes, I should probably go to the hospital, but then, how will I order my cake? I want this cake. What should I do?”

Me: “Take a card and call us with a phone order later. You should get your son some help!”

Customer: “But, about my cake…”

(She finally takes him to the hospital. Luckily, it is close by!)