(In order to proceed on our site, users need to type in a signature consisting of their name and their username, which is an eight-digit number.)

Customer: “Every time I’m typin’ in my signature, it ain’t accepting it.”

Me: “Okay, well, I just want to make sure everything’s entered correctly in our system.”

(I read out their name, including spelling. Everything’s correct.)

Me: “Alright, let’s check your user ID. It should be zero-one-six—”

Customer: “Now, hold on. Do you mean the letter zero, or the number zero?”

Me: “…The number. Zero is a number.”

Customer: “Oh… huh. Well, that may be the problem. I been usin’ the alphabet-zero this whole time!”

(I work on the Rideau Canal, a lock system first built just after the war of 1812. In addition to operating the locks, we sell passes and talk about the history and operation of the system. One particularly busy day, a tourist approaches me as we are filling the lock chamber.)

Tourist: “So, where does all this water come from?”

Me: “It flows down from Upper Rideau Lake, hence the name of the system.”

Tourist: “So, it fills all the locks?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Tourist: “But what about when you run out?”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Tourist: “Well, look at all that water! That has to be a thousand gallons in this basin alone. You could use up to a million in a day. That’s just wasteful, and the lake will eventually run out!”

(At this point, 23 boats are waiting to go through, and I don’t have time to explain the water cycle, so I just say the first thing I thought up.)

Me: “Actually, sir, we have giant buckets at both ends to catch all the water and put it back into the lake every night.”

Tourist: “Oh, I see! That’s very good of you guys to think of the environment!” *wanders off happily*

(I work as a server at a vegan cafe when a girl in her twenties walks in.)

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’ll have a coffee to start. One sugar, two cream.”

Me: “Sorry, we actually don’t have cream, but we use soy milk.”

Customer: “Uh, what? Soy milk? Like beans? You put beans in your coffee? That’s gross. Who would put beans in their coffee?”

Me: “Actually, it’s pretty good, and coffee is actually made of coffee beans, right?”

Customer: “Haha, could you imagine that? That would be soooo gross!”

Me: “Well, you could think of coffee beans like seeds, too. But anyway, is soy milk okay in your coffee?”

Customer: “Seeds?! Haha, imagine that! No, it’s just rich dirt.”

Me: “Uh, what’s ‘rich dirt’?’

Customer: “Coffee, duh! You know… the brown powder that they dig from mountains!”

(We have a big display of used books just outside our doors that we sell to raise money for a local charity. Paperbacks are $1 and hardcovers are $3, but we sometimes let them give less money if the books aren’t in great condition. An older lady comes to the counter with a brand-new-looking hardcover that I had originally thought she bought at the bookstore in the mall.)

Me: “That’s just from [the used books outside the mall]?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3, please.”

(The customer puts a single loonie on the counter.)

Me: “Oh, sorry. It’s $3.”

Customer: “WHAT?! But I got some paperbacks the other day and they were only $1!”

Me: “That’s because the paperbacks are $1, but the hardcovers are $3.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just ridiculous! I don’t want it, then!”

Me: “Well, I can take it for the $1 because it’s just a donation, but they’re supposed to the $3.”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “The money for the books goes to a charity, so since it’s just a donation, I can give it to you for a dollar. But, just so you know, the hardcovers are $3.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! $3 for a book!” *leaves the loonie on the counter and takes her book*

(About 20 minutes later, a teenage girl and her boyfriend come into the store with a hardcover book.)

Me: “That’ll be $3, please.”

(The teenage girl hands me a $5 bill. I open the donation jar to get her change.)

Teenage Girl: “Oh, it’s a donation?”

Me: “Yes.”

Teenage Girl: “Well, you can just take the whole $5, then.”

Me: “Thank you very much!”

Teenage Girl: “No problem!”

(Funny, the differences between some people!)

This story is part of our Customers Who Dislike Charity roundup!

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(Our store credit card has recently changed banks it affiliates with, so everyone with our store credit card was given notice on every bill for a few months before they received their new cards.)

Customer: “Yeah, I got a new credit card in the mail.” *tosses his card on the counter*

Me: “Yes, we changed banks. If you had a balance on your previous card, it will just have transferred over to this one.”

Customer: “But it has a company name on it and we don’t own this company anymore.”

Me: “Oh, so you want to change the information that’s on the card?”

Customer: “I don’t know, you tell me.”

Me: “Um, well, I don’t know. I can’t really tell you what to do with your card–”

Customer: “But we don’t own this business anymore!”

Me: “So, do you want to call the credit card company and get them to change it to a personal account?”

Customer: “I don’t know! Why aren’t you telling me what to do?!”

Me: “I’m not really sure what you want me to tell you.”

Coworker: *stepping in after overhearing* “You have to go home and think about what you want. Then when you make up your mind, call the 1-800 number on the back of the card and tell them what you want to do with your card.”

Customer: “Okay!” *leaves happy*