(I am working the cash register at a fast food restaurant when a girl no older than 15 comes up to order.)

Girl #1: “I’ll have a number three with a [Soda], please.”

Me: “Sure. Will that be everything?”

Girl #1: “Umm… no, actually. I think I was followed here. If you see some girls come in and bother me, can you ask them to leave?”

Me: “I’ll see what I can do.”

(The girl takes her food over to the only table where she can be easily seen by all of the front counter staff, and she takes out some homework. Less than five minutes later, three girls come in, go straight to [Girl #1]’s table, and start talking to her. In the 30 seconds it takes to ask my manager for permission to kick the group out, [Girl #1] has started crying.)

Me: *to the group* “You guys are harassing this girl. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Girl #2: “It’s okay. We know her.”

Me: “No, it’s not okay. You can’t be harassing paying customers.”

Girl #2: “We can buy something. We’ll be paying customers, too.”

Me: “Too late. I won’t just stand back and watch while you harass this girl. If you don’t leave right now, security will be called and you’ll be banned from the property.”

(As our restaurant was located in a mall parking lot, being banned from the property also meant being banned from the mall, so they left pretty quickly with no more argument. Since [Girl #1] was still extremely upset, my manager let me give her a free milkshake and sit with her for a bit until she calmed down.)

Me: “So, what was that all about? Do you know those girls?”

Girl #1: “They go to school with me. I live in a group home. Ever since they found out, they’ve been following me around and making fun of me for it. I’ve been looking for a quiet place to do my homework for weeks. I can’t do it at the home; it’s too noisy, and I get no privacy there. And I’ve been to a few different coffee shops, and restaurants, and even the library, but they follow me everywhere, and no one has ever kicked them out, because they’re never loud or disruptive. This is the first place to help me.”

(I let [Girl #1] get back to her homework. After that, she came in a few times a week to do homework. I let the managers and other staff know of her situation, so there was always someone there for [Girl #1] to talk to or someone to threaten the bullies with banishment from the mall if they ever came back, which they didn’t.)

(I’m riding a subway and working on a crossword puzzle one day when an elderly woman carrying a Bible sits down in the seat across from me. After a moment or two of staring at me, she points at my T-shirt, a collage of AC/DC album covers.)

Elderly Woman: “You listen to rock music, young man?”

Me: “Yes.”

(She then points at my crossword puzzle.)

Elderly Woman: “And you’re left-handed!”

Me: “So?”

Elderly Woman: “You’re going to the 12th circle of Hell, young man!”

Me: “I’ve read ‘The Divine Comedy.’ There are only nine circles, according to Dante. So apparently, I’m getting my own private home in Hell? Thanks!”

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(I am DJing an office Christmas party. A guy who had made tons of requests, most of which I’d played, approaches my workstation.)

Guy: “Where’s my request?”

Me: “I’ve been playing your requests where they fit.”

Guy: “Well, play [Specific Song] next.”

Me: “I’ll get it in soon, but I don’t think it’ll be next. I’ve got a lot of requests coming in, so I have to play them where they fit.”

Guy: “Don’t worry about anyone else’s requests. I’m the boss. Just play my requests.”

Me: “Oh, good. You’re the boss? Then where’s my cheque?”

Guy: “What?”

Me: “Well, since nobody’s bothered to come over and introduce themselves to me yet, I didn’t know who to come find to collect payment.”

Guy: “So, just play my request whenever you can…”

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(My wife is sitting next to me working on a crossword puzzle.)

Wife: “Cupid’s teammate, five letters.”

Me: “Satan.”

Wife: *glares*

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(I am 17 years old, and I volunteer at a local daycare center. It is part of my job to interview people if they want to send their children here.)

Me: “Hello and welcome to [Daycare]. I understand you want to send [Child] here?”

Mother: “Yes, I’m thinking about doing so, if you can meet my standards.”

Me: “Okay, then—”

Mother: “Well, don’t be useless, child! Show me around!”

Me: “Well, here is the main playroom where the children—”

Mother: “What cleaning supplies do you use?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Mother: “Don’t be daft, child! What cleaning supplies do you use here?”

Me: “We use [Brand #1].”

Mother: “Oh, I don’t like them. I demand that you use [Brand #2].”

Me: “Okay, I’ll tell my boss to see if she can ask the janitors to use [Brand #2] next time.”

Mother: “You had better, child!”

(At this point, her child begins climbing over the nap-time cribs.)

Me: “Oh, don’t do that, [Child]. You could fall and get hurt!”

Mother: “No, it’s okay, sweetie. I say you can.”

Me: “What? No, ma’am, she isn’t allowed to do that here.”

Mother: “You can’t tell someone else’s child what to do!”

Me: “When we’re watching her we get to set and enforce rules.”

Mother: “Well, if [Child] comes here, she will be allowed to climb over the couch.”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, ma’am. If [Child] comes here, she will be receiving no special treatment, and will not be climbing over the couch.”

Mother: “Yes, she will.”

Me: “No, she won’t.”

Mother: “YES, SHE WILL, BECAUSE I SAID SO!”

(The mother stamps her foot hard on ground. I am speechless.)

Mother: “Now, stupid child, give me the papers so that [Child] can be signed up. I request that you stay in another room from my little girl at all times!”

Me: “But, ma’am! It’s all one room!”

(My boss, who has been watching our exchange, comes over.)

Boss: “That’s okay, because you’re fired.”

Me: “Why? I’m really good with the kids! They like me! They do! And I work for $2.50 for every two hours without complaining! This job means everything to me! Please! I’ll work at $0.50 for every three hours! I need this job so much!”

Mother: “Serves you right for being a senseless b**** to these children.”

Boss: “No, [My Name], you are not fired. [Mother], you are.”

(The mother just stops and stands in awe.)

Boss: “[My Name] was being very helpful to you, and you kept cutting her off. Then, she enforced a big rule, and you told the child to continue to do so anyway. Then you called her a senseless b****, and laughed at her for begging to stay with these children. Now, get out before I call the police.”

Mother: “Fine! I don’t need this place! It sucks anyway!”

(The mother grabs her child and leaves. My boss turns to me.)

Boss: “Your next lunch break is on me, you’ve been promoted to $20 for every two hours, and you can go home now.”