Back when I was 18 or 19, I went to visit my Opa (it’s German for grandfather).
Whenever I used the word “stuff,” he’d admonish me, and say that I should use “things” instead.
One evening as we finished dinner, I leaned back, patted my stomach, and said,
“That was good, but man, am I thinged.”
I absolutely deserved the smack upside the head I got.
Customer: “Why do all your shirts say ‘Canada 1867’?”
Me: “Oh, that’s because it’s Canada’s 150th year.”
Customer: “Oh, wow. Hey, babe!” *calls to his pregnant wife and two young children* “It’s Canada’s 150th. Who knew?” *to me* “Guess that’s another thing the US beats you at!”
(I am working as a cashier supervisor at a large store. I’ve just clocked out since my coworker has taken over to do the closing shift. A cashier stops me as I’m about to leave the store, not in any uniform and clearly dressed in my winter outdoor clothing.)
Cashier: “Hey [My Name], [Coworker] is busy. Can you override this markdown on your way out?”
Me: “No problem.”
Customer: “I’d suggest you get here a little faster next time.”
Me: “I’d suggest you don’t take that tone with me. I barely get paid enough to give a f*** about you when I am on the clock. I certainly don’t care when I’m punched out.”
(The cashier high-fived me and I smirked and walked out the door.)
(I recently moved to Canada from the UK and am still adjusting to some Canadian quirks.)
Me: “[Coworker], where’s the manager? A guest wants a refund.”
Coworker: “He’s in [Popular Electronic Store] watching the Stanley Cup playoffs.”
Me: “So watching the playoffs is more important than doing his job?”
Coworker: “Welcome to Canada!”
Husband: “Hey, [My Name]. I was reading about dream interpretation.”
Me: “Oh, cool.”
Husband: “I looked up a dream I had last night on [Dream Website] and it’s pretty accurate. Can I try yours?”
Me: “I don’t think you will be able to.”
Husband: “Did you forget your dream?”
Me: “No, but it’s probably just a weird, meaningless dream.”
Husband: “Tell me anyway. It’s probably on there.”
Me: “Uh…okay. Last night I had a dream where I turned on the car radio and it was Barney the dinosaur singing to the tune of ‘If you’re happy and you know it’, ‘The Cheeto in the middle will not bark; the Cheeto in the middle will not bark’ and saying ‘Yeah, it’s Tuesday!’”
Husband: “Yeah… that’s not on here.”
