You’ll Get The Meaning In Your Dreams

, , , | Romantic | June 2, 2017

Husband: “Hey, [My Name]. I was reading about dream interpretation.”

Me: “Oh, cool.”

Husband: “I looked up a dream I had last night on [Dream Website] and it’s pretty accurate. Can I try yours?”

Me: “I don’t think you will be able to.”

Husband: “Did you forget your dream?”

Me: “No, but it’s probably just a weird, meaningless dream.”

Husband: “Tell me anyway. It’s probably on there.”

Me: “Uh…okay. Last night I had a dream where I turned on the car radio and it was Barney the dinosaur singing to the tune of ‘If you’re happy and you know it’, ‘The Cheeto in the middle will not bark; the Cheeto in the middle will not bark’ and saying ‘Yeah, it’s Tuesday!’”

Husband: “Yeah… that’s not on here.”

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That… Wasn’t Fish

, , , | Right | June 1, 2017

(I work in the seafood dept at my local grocery store.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like a fillet of fish, please.”

Me: “Ok, what kind of fish, sir?”

Customer: “A fillet of fish!”

(I inform him that a fillet is not a type of fish but a type of cut, like a steak.)

Customer: “No, you’re wrong. I get it all the time at [Fast Food Restaurant]!”

(I repeat what a fillet is, and show the customer a sign on our table reading “Salmon fillet” to get my point across)

Customer: “What the h*** have I been eating at [Fast Food Restaurant]?!”

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Job-Seek And Destroy

, , , , | Working | May 31, 2017

(I am the manager at a shoe store. We are hiring seasonal employees for the summertime. A teenage girl comes in to hand in her resume. I review it and a week later we set up an interview time via email.  However, when her interview time comes around a different girl comes in.)

Girl #2: “Hi, I’m here for my interview with [My Name].”

Me: “Uh, are you [Name On The Resume]?”

Girl #2: “Yes.”

Me: “Huh. I could’ve sworn it was a different girl who came here two weeks ago. She had bright red hair and cat eye-glasses. Did you change your look?”

Girl #2: “Oh, no, it was a different girl. I was studying for my finals so I had my best friend go around and hand out my resumes.”

Me: “You know that’s kind of misleading, right? A lot of employers place first impressions very high on their list. I agreed in an email to an interview with the girl who handed in the resume. You know she didn’t even tell me she wasn’t you?”

Girl #2: “Oh, yeah, I told her not to. I felt it would be too confusing.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

(Her phone dings and she unlocks her phone right in front of me.)

Girl #2: “Oh, my mom just texted me that I should mention I’m going to be going away for most of July. We’re going to Cuba for my graduation gift. This won’t be a problem, right? You guys need employees and I can work for most of the summer. Well, until August… I think. Let me text my mom and—”

Me: “I think you should just go home.”

(Honest to God, this wasn’t even the worst possible employee that came in.)

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Ph.Duh.

, , , , | Right | May 31, 2017

(We are just about to close shop. A woman is talking to my manager about an e-reader case.)

Customer: “That’s false advertising. On your website it says this ereader case is $7.50.”

Manager: “That is a similar looking case. They have different SKUs.”

Customer: “But I don’t see it. You should give me that price.”

Manager: “Our website has many items where our store only has a limited amount of stock.”

(The customer goes on how the case should be that price. I notice she is still in the store when I go to close the doors, so I leave one door open and one locked. I come to see my manager to see what the problem is.)

Manager: “We can give you the price of this case for that one you saw on the website.”

Customer: “I have a student card!”

(We give student deals. My manager looks at the student card carefully.)

Manager: “Uh… this card is from 2006.”

Customer: “I am doing my Ph.D. It takes a long time, you know; it’s a Ph.D.”

Manager: “You don’t have an updated student card that is renewed?”

Customer: “I’m doing my PH.D part time!”

Manager: “Still, eight years. That’s a long time ago.”

Customer: “Isn’t there anyone else I can talk to?”

Me: “He is the manager so there is no one else.”

Customer: “What about your head office?”

Me: “They close between 4:00 and 4:30, and it’s 6:00. You can’t contact them at this time.”

(The customer goes off about how her student card is valid, and how I don’t know about the head office because I don’t know the exact time they close, and how we have poor customer service. We give her the discount and she finally pays for the item.)

Manager: “We’ll contact head office for you since they are closed at this time. What is your phone number?”

Customer: “I’m not giving it to you!”

Manager: “How they can contact you?”

Customer: “I’m filing a complaint!”

(On the way out she tries to force the locked door open. She is pushing the locked door to the point where it almost breaks. I can’t help but laugh.)

Customer: “She is laughing at me!”

(I laugh harder while my manager opens the unlocked door for her, making exiting seem easy.)

Me: “She is doing a Ph.D. and she can’t even open a door!”

Manager: “No wonder her degree is taking her eight years.”

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Fro-Yo-No-No

, , , | Right | May 30, 2017

(The frozen yogurt shop I work at is in a plaza, next door to a chicken-themed restaurant. I am working one afternoon when a man rushes in and straight up to the counter.)

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

Customer: *hurriedly* “Hi, I placed an order with you. I hope it’s ready—”

(I panic a little, as I was not informed of any order, nor did I see one in the freezer, and he sounds a bit desperate. I am about to reply when the man suddenly starts looking all around.)

Customer: “Oh, this isn’t the chicken place.”

Me: *relieved* “No… it isn’t.”

Customer: “Okay, sorry.”

(He leaves to go next door, and I am left wondering how he confused a bright, vibrant frozen yogurt shop with an under-lit, drab chicken place. I guess he was really in a hurry! I hope his order was ready!)

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