You Can Bet Cold Hard Cash On It

, , , | Right | August 7, 2017

(I’ve just started a shift running the self-checkouts. One of our six machines is having problems dispensing money, so we have a huge sign in bright clear letters that reads “Debit/Credit Only — No Cashback” covering the bill and coin acceptors. At this point, only two machines are being used by customers. Another customer arrives.)

Customer: *walks up to the broken machine, stares at the sign, and then after a long moment turns to me* “So, does this machine take cash?”

Me: *blinks* “No?”

Customer: *as if they expected a different answer* “Oh.” *looks around in confusion before settling on using one of the other free machines*

Me: *in a whisper to my coworker* “Should I expect a lot of this today?”

Coworker: *nods*

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Time To Face The Music, And Leave

, , , , | Right | August 6, 2017

(When I am just starting out as a DJ, I work a charity event for free for a church that my friend works for. The event is supposed to end at 1:00 am. At about 1:05, when the last song is fading out, a guest approaches me.)

Guest: “Do you have [Obscure Song]?”

Me: “No.”

Guest: “What kind of DJ are you?”

Me: “One that travelled from [City five hours away] to do this event for free.”

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That’s A Lousy Defence

, , , , , | Learning | August 5, 2017

(This is a conversation overheard after self-defence class at my local Y.)

Boy: “I’m never fighting you again. You fight dirty!”

Girl: “Hey, I told you to wear a cup and most attackers won’t be wearing cups in real life! You have to hit them where it hurts! [Teacher] said to make the fight realistic!”

Boy: “Well, realistically I think I won’t be able to have sex EVER AGAIN!”

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This Particular Item Will Be Ready In Nine Months

, , , | Related | July 28, 2017

(There is a family-run bakery near my house that my mother and I regularly go to. We walk into the bakery on a Saturday afternoon and see the owner’s oldest daughter standing at the cashier.)

My Mother: “Hello, [Owner’s Daughter]. Any fresh buns today?”

Owner’s Daughter: “Let me check.” *yelling towards the kitchen* “Mom, got a bun in the oven?”

Her Mom: *from the kitchen* “Interesting time for you to tell me sweetheart; congratulations. Now, what does Mrs. [My Mother] want?”

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Pokémon Go-ing To The Bank

, , , , | Romantic | July 22, 2017

(I’m an avid Pokémon fan while my boyfriend is not. Over the past couple years, however, I’ve exposed him to a lot of Pokémon information and we even purchased a Pikachu piggybank to save up money for our future while we’re still unmarried.)

Boyfriend: “I’m hoping we can save up a couple thousand dollars by the time we’re married.”

Me: “I’m sure we can, but in that piggybank? Unless we only fill it with hundreds, it’ll never fit…” *sly grin* “Unless… we get a second Pokémon piggybank?”

Boyfriend: “Fine… but only once we’ve saved $500!”

Me: “We could get the Eevee one!”

Boyfriend: “Or the Charmander. But then we’d want Bulbasaur and Squirtle, too, so we’d have all the starters…”

Me: “What’s wrong with that? Each one would be a $500 checkpoint, so we’d know how much we’ve saved. Also, can I point out that I love that you remembered all the Kanto starters?”

Boyfriend: “You’re right! Before you I had no Pokémon knowledge, and now I actually remember things! What are you doing to me?! Pokémon, stop!”

Me: “No, dear, it’s Pokémon GO. But you were close! Keep trying; you’ll get it!”

(He groaned loudly as I couldn’t help but laugh at him.)

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