(I work at a specialty grocery store that specializes in bulk products. Our entire store is filled with bins of products that you bag yourself. We have three hanging scales in the stores; one is in the first aisle, one is at the front of the store between aisles two and three, and one is at the back of the store between aisles five and six. Our cash registers also have digital scales so we can weigh products when people are paying. The eighth aisle is the spice aisle, and the store is not very large. This happens on a Sunday morning while a coworker and I are cleaning lids in the sixth aisle.)

Customer: “You need to have a weigh station closer to your spice aisle.”

(Assuming she has been using one across the store, I point to the one at the end of the aisle I am in, two aisles away from the spice aisle.)

Me: “There’s one right back there!”

Customer: “I know, and it’s too far! It’s ridiculous I have to walk back and forth all that way to weigh my spices! Tell your management it needs to be changed!”

Me: “Uh, well, we can’t really change—”

Customer: “I can just go somewhere else, then!”

Me: *shocked someone is that passionate about not wanting to walk fifteen feet* “Okay.”

(She ended up buying her spices, and used one of our spend-$10-get-$3-off coupons, and was pleasant. I was just truly shocked she was that adamant about it. Sadly, she won’t be getting her wish, because the scales are screwed into the ceiling and won’t be moving anytime soon.)

(I work in the hot foods section of a deli in a busy mall. I make the pizzas. I get an order from a customer who is notorious for returning and complaining about pizzas, in order to get free food. Towards the end of this night, our pizza oven isn’t working properly and it is cooking pizzas a little bit slower. After giving the customer his pizza and checking with him that it is all right, he returns no more than five minutes later.)

Me: “Did you need something, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, uh.. I don’t think the chicken on my pizza is cooked. I think it’s raw.”

Me: “That’s impossible; our chicken is actually precooked before we put it on the pizza. In fact, all of our meats are precooked.”

Customer: “No, no… It’s definitely raw.”

(I open the pizza box to have a look and the pizza is perfectly cooked.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but your pizza looks perfectly fine to me. I’d be happy to remake one for you, but unfortunately our oven isn’t working properly tonight and it may take 30 to 40 minutes for your pizza to cook. Would you mind waiting?”

Customer: “No, that’s too long. My kids are hungry. [Grocery Store] is supposed to be one of the best in Canada! This is ridiculous; I just want my pizza!”

Me: “Well, sir, your pizza is perfectly safe to eat. The chicken is cooked, if that’s all your concern is about. You can either take this pizza, wait half an hour for another one, or you can go to customer service and get refunded. Which would you prefer?”

Customer: “I just want a pizza.”

Me: *internally screaming* “Yes. Are you taking this one, or would you like to wait? Or would you prefer to speak with a manager?” *hoping the manager will get him to make a decision*

Customer: “I just want a pizza!” *stares at me for a moment* “Actually, get your manager.”

(I page for the store manager to come to my department. The manager comes up to me first to see what’s up, and I tell him what happened.)

Manager: *to the customer* “So, what’s the problem here?”

Customer: “My chicken isn’t cooked. I want a new pizza and she says it will take half an hour! I can’t wait that long!”

Manager: “Well, I can tell you right now that your chicken is, in fact, cooked. It comes to us already cooked. It comes from a bag, and they top your pizza with it.”

Customer: “Well, it’s raw!”

(I’m holding his pizza box and open it to show the manager.)

Manager: “There’s nothing wrong with your pizza; it looks perfect! In fact, there’s almost too much chicken.” *winks at me*

Customer: “Well, I don’t like the chicken. My kids wanted [Grocery Store]’s pizza.” *gestures towards the food court behind us* “They could have picked anything out there. What are you going to do to fix this?”

Manager: “Look, you can take this perfectly fine pizza, you can wait 30 minutes for another one, or we can refund you and you guys can eat elsewhere. Those are the only options; which would you like?”

Customer: “Well, the pizza is cold now!”

Manager: “[My Name], you can stick this pizza back in the oven for him, can’t you?”

Me: “Yeah, no problem! Five minutes and it will be nice and warm! Is that okay, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah… I guess. I’ll be back in five minutes.” *walks away*

Manager: “It’s one of those nights. He just wants free food. Your pizza looks amazing; I’ll actually take a slice of pepperoni!”

Me: “Yeah, we all know him over here. He’s notorious for returning and complaining.”

Manager: “Well, I know him now. He won’t be getting away with it anymore!”

(He ended up taking the pizza. I can’t wait until he comes back to complain!)

(I work in the back room of a thrift store. It is Halloween and we are encouraged to dress up. I’m cheap, so I take some of my older clothes, tear them to pieces, and spray them and my face and arms with fake blood. I go to the washroom in the middle of my shift and encounter a woman and her daughter awaiting a cubicle.)

Mother: *notices me and clutches her daughter tighter*

Me: *a little offended*

Mother: “OH, NO! IT’S A ZOMBIE! SHE’S GOING TO EAT US!”

Daughter: “Mom, it’s just a costume.”

Mother: “NO, SHE’S A ZOMBIE! SHE’S GOING TO EAT US! WE’RE DOOMED!”

Daughter: “Come on, Mom.”

Mother: “DOOOOOOMED!”

(In high school, pretty much everyone loves our chemistry teacher. He is very involved with lessons, and always makes sure to make them interesting; the first day of class, he demonstrates just how flammable hydrogen is by lighting some up! He even puts on clips from “The Simpsons” and “Futurama” in class sometimes, pointing out how the guys behind them really know their stuff when it comes to science. He also has a good sense of humor. One day, we’re starting to learn about the periodic table, starting with the first twenty elements. He has a large periodic table hung up on the side wall, and one of my classmates gets bored and starts playing around with it.)

Teacher: “[Student], don’t do that. You’ll break it.”

Student: “I’m not going to break it.”

(Literally two seconds later, the cord holding it up snaps and it falls onto the floor. Everyone stares at him.)

Student: “I’m never going to live this down, am I?”

Teacher: “No. No, you’re not.”

(He doesn’t. The next day, we are working with Bunsen burners for the first time. The teacher is going over the safety instructions.)

Teacher: “So, you want to be really careful with these. You don’t want to break any of these beakers. Like when [Student] broke the periodic table.”

(It became a running gag after that. Every day, someone would bring it up for a laugh. He knew it was a joke, and he was a bit of a class clown, anyway, so he took it in stride. But even now, years after we’ve graduated and the teacher retired, leaving his son to teach in his place, we still haven’t let him live it down.)

(A customer comes to my cash with a 32gb memory card and her digital camera, which looks like it is from about the year 2007.)

Customer: “Will this card work in my camera?”

Me: “Oh, probably not. When did you get the camera?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, well, can I see it?”

(She hands me the camera and I look it over. It’s definitely an older camera; it’s big and clunky with a tiny display screen, and it says it takes SD cards, but doesn’t say SDHC or SDXC.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like this camera won’t take anything higher than 2gb, and we don’t sell anything lower than 16 anymore.”

Customer: “But I had a 32gb card in it before and it worked!”

(First of all, why is she asking me, then?! Second… no, I’m pretty sure she’s incorrect.)

Me: “That’s weird, because it doesn’t even say that it takes an SDHC, which is what a 32gb card would be. SD is 2gb or lower, and SDHC is 4gb to 32gb.”

Customer: “Really? It won’t work? What do I do, then?”

Me: “You could try to find a 2gb card online, or you could get a new camera.”

Customer: “No. I had a 32gb card in it before and it worked. I can just take this back if it doesn’t work, right?”

Me: *pause* “Sure.”

(Ten minutes later she brought it back, and we couldn’t resell it because the packaging had been opened.)