Time To Face The Music, And Leave

, , , , | Right | August 6, 2017

(When I am just starting out as a DJ, I work a charity event for free for a church that my friend works for. The event is supposed to end at 1:00 am. At about 1:05, when the last song is fading out, a guest approaches me.)

Guest: “Do you have [Obscure Song]?”

Me: “No.”

Guest: “What kind of DJ are you?”

Me: “One that travelled from [City five hours away] to do this event for free.”

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That’s A Lousy Defence

, , , , | Learning | August 5, 2017

(This is a conversation overheard after self-defence class at my local Y.)

Boy: “I’m never fighting you again. You fight dirty!”

Girl: “Hey, I told you to wear a cup and most attackers won’t be wearing cups in real life! You have to hit them where it hurts! [Teacher] said to make the fight realistic!”

Boy: “Well, realistically I think I won’t be able to have sex EVER AGAIN!”

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This Particular Item Will Be Ready In Nine Months

, , , | Related | July 28, 2017

(There is a family-run bakery near my house that my mother and I regularly go to. We walk into the bakery on a Saturday afternoon and see the owner’s oldest daughter standing at the cashier.)

My Mother: “Hello, [Owner’s Daughter]. Any fresh buns today?”

Owner’s Daughter: “Let me check.” *yelling towards the kitchen* “Mom, got a bun in the oven?”

Her Mom: *from the kitchen* “Interesting time for you to tell me sweetheart; congratulations. Now, what does Mrs. [My Mother] want?”

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Pokémon Go-ing To The Bank

, , , , , | Romantic | July 22, 2017

(I’m an avid Pokémon fan while my boyfriend is not. Over the past couple years, however, I’ve exposed him to a lot of Pokémon information and we even purchased a Pikachu piggybank to save up money for our future while we’re still unmarried.)

Boyfriend: “I’m hoping we can save up a couple thousand dollars by the time we’re married.”

Me: “I’m sure we can, but in that piggybank? Unless we only fill it with hundreds, it’ll never fit…” *sly grin* “Unless… we get a second Pokémon piggybank?”

Boyfriend: “Fine… but only once we’ve saved $500!”

Me: “We could get the Eevee one!”

Boyfriend: “Or the Charmander. But then we’d want Bulbasaur and Squirtle, too, so we’d have all the starters…”

Me: “What’s wrong with that? Each one would be a $500 checkpoint, so we’d know how much we’ve saved. Also, can I point out that I love that you remembered all the Kanto starters?”

Boyfriend: “You’re right! Before you I had no Pokémon knowledge, and now I actually remember things! What are you doing to me?! Pokémon, stop!”

Me: “No, dear, it’s Pokémon GO. But you were close! Keep trying; you’ll get it!”

(He groaned loudly as I couldn’t help but laugh at him.)

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Some Stories (Chop)Stick With You

, , , , , | Hopeless | July 14, 2017

This story takes place about 20 years ago. I own a small Chinese restaurant and every week on Sunday at 11:30 on the dot, a family comes in. The father is Caucasian and the mother is Chinese. Their daughter is about five or six and is one of the loudest and rambunctious children I’ve ever met.

Every Sunday without fail, they’ll come in, and the kid will make a mess, scream, etc., and the father will ask for a fork for himself and their daughter. The mother will constantly try to calm her daughter down and tell her to be a “proper lady” and tell her husband to at least attempt to use chopsticks — and usually fail to do so. It becomes a habit and I usually have to deal with this table because the kid’s such a pain that none of my servers want to deal with her.

One week, the family just stops coming. Most of us are thinking “Oh, good, no more brat.” Three months pass and the family comes back, but it’s just the father and the child.

Surprisingly, the child is very calm. In fact she orders the dishes, says please and thank you (I’d like to mention that half of our adult patrons don’t do that), and she uses chopsticks better than my eight-year-old.

After the meal the father comes up to pay for the bill. I ask him how he got his daughter to be so polite, because quite frankly it seems like a miracle.

He gives me the most forlorn look I’ve ever seen. Apparently his wife died in a car crash about three months earlier (at this point I am feeling very guilty about calling her a brat) and never came home. For some reason his daughter thought it was her fault and that because she was being naughty her mother didn’t want to come back. Even though the father said it wasn’t the case, she insisted on being a “proper lady” and got both of them to learn how to use chopsticks, “Because Ma Ma will come back if she sees how nice we are.”

After he paid for the bill I just went to the back and cried. I went home and hugged my daughter.

It’s been 20 years since then and they’re still regulars. She even has a little family of her own that she brings in. The little girl eventually realized that her mother wasn’t coming back, but was still the most polite customer I’ve ever had. I’m sure her mother would be very proud to see how well she’s grown up.

It still brings me great joy when I see the daughter teaching her own children how to use chopsticks.

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