Come Out With The Weirdest Stuff

, , , , | Related | June 12, 2017

Back when I was 18 or 19, I went to visit my Opa (it’s German for grandfather).

Whenever I used the word “stuff,” he’d admonish me, and say that I should use “things” instead.

One evening as we finished dinner, I leaned back, patted my stomach, and said,

“That was good, but man, am I thinged.”

I absolutely deserved the smack upside the head I got.

A Contest For The Ages

, , , , | Right | June 11, 2017

Customer: “Why do all your shirts say ‘Canada 1867’?”

Me: “Oh, that’s because it’s Canada’s 150th year.”

Customer: “Oh, wow. Hey, babe!” *calls to his pregnant wife and two young children* “It’s Canada’s 150th. Who knew?” *to me* “Guess that’s another thing the US beats you at!”

Blame Canada! Part 6

, , , , , | Working | June 7, 2017

(I recently moved to Canada from the UK and am still adjusting to some Canadian quirks.)

Me: “[Coworker], where’s the manager? A guest wants a refund.”

Coworker: “He’s in [Popular Electronic Store] watching the Stanley Cup playoffs.”

Me: “So watching the playoffs is more important than doing his job?”

Coworker: “Welcome to Canada!”

You’ll Get The Meaning In Your Dreams

, , , | Romantic | June 2, 2017

Husband: “Hey, [My Name]. I was reading about dream interpretation.”

Me: “Oh, cool.”

Husband: “I looked up a dream I had last night on [Dream Website] and it’s pretty accurate. Can I try yours?”

Me: “I don’t think you will be able to.”

Husband: “Did you forget your dream?”

Me: “No, but it’s probably just a weird, meaningless dream.”

Husband: “Tell me anyway. It’s probably on there.”

Me: “Uh…okay. Last night I had a dream where I turned on the car radio and it was Barney the dinosaur singing to the tune of ‘If you’re happy and you know it’, ‘The Cheeto in the middle will not bark; the Cheeto in the middle will not bark’ and saying ‘Yeah, it’s Tuesday!’”

Husband: “Yeah… that’s not on here.”

That… Wasn’t Fish

, , , | Right | June 1, 2017

(I work in the seafood dept at my local grocery store.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like a fillet of fish, please.”

Me: “Ok, what kind of fish, sir?”

Customer: “A fillet of fish!”

(I inform him that a fillet is not a type of fish but a type of cut, like a steak.)

Customer: “No, you’re wrong. I get it all the time at [Fast Food Restaurant]!”

(I repeat what a fillet is, and show the customer a sign on our table reading “Salmon fillet” to get my point across)

Customer: “What the h*** have I been eating at [Fast Food Restaurant]?!”