(My friends and I are Skyping with each other as we work, and I am writing a very short story.)

Me: “IT DOESN’T SAY ANYWHERE HOW MUCH YOU CAN SELL A LEG FOR?! I NEED MY INFORMATION. THE BLACK MARKET IS NOT HELPING ME.”

(I am a student, and I adopt a new cat only a few days before I have to return to school. She and my dog live with my fiancé, so they are well taken care of. We Skype every night, and I often make noises at my pets during calls. My cat also adores my fiancé and is very affectionate.)

Fiancé: “I’m going to mail your cat up there. She won’t leave me alone. ”

Me: “But she loves you…”

Fiancé: “She’s your cat. She even acts like you.”

Me: “She barely knows me; I’m just a vague meowing picture on the glowing box you look at all the time.”

(I reserve a room at a bed and breakfast via an online hotel reservation service. A few days later, I get an email saying my reservation could not be honored, and to please call their helpline to resolve the matter. I go outside during my lunch break to call and get things worked out.)

Representative: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

Me: “I booked a room a couple days ago and I just got an email saying it couldn’t be honored and to call here to work it out.”

Representative: “Yes, it looks like the proprietor told us that he had a room available, but he booked it and didn’t let us know, so we didn’t update our site, but the room has been filled.”

Me: *thinking that sounds suspicious, but wanting to get things worked out* “So, what now?”

Representative: “Why did you choose this bed and breakfast? I will search my system and find something comparable.”

Me: “It is right down the road from my mom’s house. I’m not sure you’ll find something nearby; it’s kind of in the middle of nowhere and I don’t want to be much farther away since I’m going home for Mother’s Day.”

Representative: “I’m sure we can find something. I’m going to put you on hold while I search.”

(He puts me on hold for about 10 minutes.)

Representative: “Hello, [My Name], I searched and I found a room at [Budget Nationwide Hotel Chain] in [City 10 miles away]. Would you like me to transfer your booking?”

Me: “Um, that’s not really close by. I was hoping for something closer.”

Representative: “According to our maps, it’s only 3.8 miles from your original booking.”

Me: *thinking it will only be one night and not wanting to fight* “Okay, that’s fine, then.”

Representative: “Okay, the price for this room is $119 per night. Since you booked your other room at $100 a night, we will cover the cost of the increase, but I will need a credit card number to hold the room.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I just stepped outside to call and I don’t have my wallet with me. Can I call you back later today with my credit card?”

Representative: “There are only a few rooms left. We really need a credit card to reserve the room. We can’t guarantee there will be any rooms left if you don’t reserve it now.”

Me: *starting to get a little annoyed now; they are trying to get me to stay in a budget hotel instead of a bed and breakfast and not making it easy* “I’m sorry, maybe you didn’t hear me – I don’t have my credit card with me. It’s in my office on the 23rd floor of my building. I really can’t give you my credit card number at this time. So…”

Representative: “Do you have a friend nearby? Can you borrow someone else’s card and then use your own card when you get to the hotel?”

Me: *thinking – did you really just ask if I could borrow someone else’s credit card?!* “No, I can’t do that. I’m by myself.”

Representative: “Well, I’m not sure what we can do here.”

Me: “Okay, well, if I can’t call back later, I guess you’d better just cancel everything. I’m not sure what else can be done.”

Representative: “Well, I’ll place a note on your account and you can call back later and we’ll see what we can do for you then.”

Me: *at the end of my rope* “No, just cancel. I’ll take care of finding something else on my own.”

Representative: “Are you sure? There might be something here later if you call back.”

Me: “No, it’s not worth the trouble. Just cancel.”

Representative: “Okay, I’ll send a confirmation of the cancel to [email address].”

(I decided to just call the bed and breakfast directly to see what happened. They did have a room and were able to book me directly.)

(I work in online death notices. As we’re based in Australia, it’s worth noting from the outset that the caller had a Canadian accent.)

Caller: “Yeah, hi. I’m listed on your site, but I’m not dead.”

Me: “Oh no! Let me check this out for you. What name was it?”

Caller: “[Name].”

Me: “Yes, I see the listing. Just let me check something.”

(We do sometimes get incorrect notices for people who are alive, mostly imported from old archive records.)

Me: “This is strange; the listing was posted yesterday from [Funeral Home].”

Caller: “Well, it needs to come down.”

Me: “Where are you calling from, by the way?”

Caller: “[City] in Canada.”

Me: “Okay, well, this listing is for a [Name] from [Suburb of Sydney], so it’s not you.”

Caller: “But it’s my name!”

Me: “Yes, but this person had the same name.”

Caller: “People are going to Google me and think I’m dead. I’m applying for jobs, and I’m not going to get hired if people think I’m dead.”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t remove the listing as the family of the deceased has requested it be online.”

Caller: “Can you change the name on the listing?”

Me: “No, if I did that the people who were looking for this person’s listing would not be able to find it.”

Caller: “I need a contact number for a family member for this guy. He must have had a nickname or something they can use.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I can’t give you that information. There’s nothing I can really do for you here. I’m sure any potential employer will understand you’re not dead.”

Caller: “I just don’t understand why my name is even there.”

Me: “It’s very rare for a name to be completely unique. If you keep Googling you’ll probably find a lot of people with your name.”

Caller: “Well, make it stop!”

(I attend a school in Boston, and my friend attends a school in California. Recently they got a little rain, while out in Boston, we got snow.)

Friend: “I hate the rain, it makes puddles and everything’s so slippery.”

Me: “Yeah, well, think about if you had that for the whole of winter. It’s terrible.”

Friend: “You guys don’t have rain; you have snow!”

Me: “Um… [Friend]?”

Friend: “Ya?”

Me: “What is snow?”

Friend: “…Pretend I’m smart, okay?”