(My best friend, who is one quarter Korean, and I are chatting online when conversation moves on to his girlfriend. Note that I am, and always have been, female.)
Friend: “She even made me Korean for dinner for our anniversary.”
Me: “I thought you already were Korean.”
Friend: “Are you sure you’re a woman? Because I’m pretty sure dad jokes are for dads.”
(Friend #1 is gay and is telling Friend #2 that he isn’t sure how Friend #3 will take it. Friend #2 comes up with this.)
Friend #2: “How would you feel if I was gay?”
Friend #3: “I don’t care. You’re still my friend!”
Friend #2: “Oh, good, because [Friend #1] is gay.”
(My friend and I are watching a video on YouTube. At some point, the YouTuber says “We’re in Paris, but the Eiffel Tower is missing”.)
Friend: “He’s so dumb! Eiffel Tower is in France, not Paris!”
Me: “You’re dumb. Paris is a city in France.”
Friend: “It is? I thought it was the country at the bottom right of France.”
Me: “That’s Italy.”
Friend: “It is? I always thought it was in the top left of France.”
Me: “That’s the United Kingdom.”
Friend: “Oh, yeah, that country that stole our language.”
Me: “Dude, what’s our language?”
Friend: “English?”
Me: “…and the country named ‘England’ is in USA, or the UK?”
Friend: “…the UK. I’m stupid.”
Me: “Hey, at least you’re not one of the people that think our language is called ‘American.’”
My Father: “It isn’t?”
Related:
Me No Speak Americano, Part 2
Me No Speak Americano
(My wife and I are chatting via Facebook from our respective workplaces.)
Wife: “I need to poop.”
Wife: “Very badly.”
(She is a schoolteacher, so she can’t just run to the bathroom whenever she pleases. Having said that, she has a “prep” period at the end of the day instead of students — and, if my understanding of her schedule is correct, it will begin shortly.)
Me: “Isn’t your prep soon?”
Wife: “10 min.”
Me: “YOU CAN DO IT!”
Me: “I TRUST IN THE INTEGRITY OF YOUR BUTTHOLE!”
Me: “THERE’S A SENTENCE I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY!”
(We are talking about a particular green fire in a popular online game we all play together. Two of our group are science teachers in real life.)
Guildie #1: “Don’t stand in the fire.”
Guildie #2: “But what if I want to keep warm?”
Guildie #1: “It’s green. It’s not going to keep you warm.”
Me: “It’s just a chemical reaction.”
Science Teacher #1: “Ah, but do you know if it’s endothermic or exothermic?”
Guildie #2: “It’s exo, right?”
Science Teacher #1: “Right, fire is exothermic. Ice packs are an example of endothermic.”
Guildie #1: “You’re endo.”
Science Teacher #2: “That’s cold.”
