Rent Is More Important

, , | Right | August 20, 2013

Me: “Good afternoon, [online ticket website].”

Customer: “Your website is the worst.”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want help.”

Me: “Clearly. Would you like me to help you purchase tickets to a specific show?”

Customer: “Yes. I guess.”

Me: “What play?”

Customer:Belleville.”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. The entire run of Belleville is sold-out.”

Customer: “No it isn’t.”

Me: “Yes. It is.”

Customer: “Says who?”

Me: “Says me.”

Customer: “I WANT THOSE TICKETS! I WANT THEM NOW!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing I can do. The play is sold-out, and I would suggest that you calm down as tickets to an off-Broadway play aren’t nearly as important as things like a roof over one’s head or food on one’s table.”

Customer: “MAYBE FOR YOU!” *click*

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Soft-Selling

| Right | August 1, 2013

(We have got a new mattress, so I put the old one up on Craigslist. It’s free to the first person who comes to pick it up. Shortly after I post the ad, my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “I’m calling about the mattress. Yeah, is it a pillow-top?”

Me: “No, sorry, it isn’t.”

Caller: “Oh. Well, I need a pillow-top. I’m having surgery next week, and I need a mattress with some support.”

Me: “I understand.”

(There is a long pause.)

Caller: “So what are you going to do?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: *angrily* “I need a pillow-top mattress!”

Me: “Um, well, good luck?”

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From USB Port To Teleport

| Right | April 8, 2013

(I am chatting online with a potential customer.)

Customer: “Hey, I really like this necklace. Can I pay by Paypal?”

Me: “Absolutely, if you follow the instructions on check out, you can pay and leave your shipping address there. I’ll get it shipped in the morning.”

Customer: “Do I have to leave an address? Can’t you just email it to me?”

Me: “Email you for your address?”

Customer: “No, email me the necklace. I don’t want to give you my address.”

Me: “You want me to email you the necklace?”

Customer: “Never mind, cancel it. You’re too much work!”

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A Most (Downloadable) Content Valentine

, | Romantic | February 19, 2013

(My husband and I are rather tight on money since I’m not working and he’s at a min-wage job. We can’t afford to do anything for Valentine’s Day this year. We both play a MMORPG called ‘EverQuest 2’.)

Husband: “I have something I want to show you.”

Me: “Um, okay.”

Husband: “Take the housing portal to Nezerreth’s Inn Room.”

Me: *confused* “Okay.”

(The entire room is decorated for me. Hedges with red roses frame the room, roses are scattered everywhere, butterflies and fireflies are also used. In the middle of the room on the floor he has spelt out in silver roses: ‘I Love You’.)

Husband: “Well, we don’t have any money, but I just wanted to do something for you.”

Me: *staring at it happily* “Yay!” *claps hands* “There’s no pink!”

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His Argument Doesn’t Add Up

| Romantic | November 29, 2012

(I often tease my girlfriend and call her a lesbian. We’ve decided she’s actually half bisexual.)

Me: “You always round up to the nearest whole if you have half or more, right?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah?”

Me: “Well if you’re half bi, then you’re all bi, which would make you half lesbian.”

Girlfriend: “Hmm.”

Me: “And if you’re half lesbian, you’re all lesbian. Therefore, you are a lesbian.”

Girlfriend: “Well, I can’t argue with math!”

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