I post different pieces of artwork to various websites. Most of the time, I’m lucky to get five or six likes and maybe a couple of comments. However, one time, I woke up after having posted a sketch before going to bed, and I found that it had over 200 comments on it.

The first couple of comments were typical “Nice” or “Good Job” type of comments. However, one person had given the comment, “this sux”. Two minutes later, he’d then posted the comment, “hello?”, followed a minute after that with “this sux” again. He’d then proceeded to repeat “this sux” every couple of minutes for three straight hours.

This had, apparently, drawn the attention of other commenters, who had ended up splitting between telling me that it didn’t suck and directly mocking him and his stream of “criticism.” My favorite was a couple of people who went back and forth “agreeing” with him, talking about how the “suxxitude” of the piece had reached “terribad proportionisms,” and how it was reminiscent of the great “Suxxirian masters” of the past.

I ended up writing a post, saying, “Thank you for the critique.” Not even ten seconds after I hit the post button, he had replied with what must have been a copy-pasted rant about how he was allowed to have opinions, and how I needed to “suk it up and admti you sux”.

To this day, it is still the funniest “criticism” I’ve ever received.

I sell items online. I can’t give a fixed price since I do retail and wholesale. I created a WhatsApp group so that my customers can see all my items at once instead of sending pics individually. One of my customers asks me on the group, “How much is this?” A BRILLIANT customer pops up out of nowhere and starts giving him the wrong prices.

Me: “Kindly don’t chat in the group so we don’t annoy other customers. Please text me in private.”

The brilliant customer keeps on giving the wrong prices for my items. I text him in private.

Me: “Kindly be polite.”

Brilliant Customer: “It’s a stupid way to sell. Put a price on each item to fix the price so no one will do what I did to you.”

The online game I play had a meetup recently. It cost $20, all of which was donated to charity and you got swag, one of which was a T-shirt with the game logo on the front and your game login across the back.

In the game forum, one of the players asks:

Player: “Does it have to be the login?”

Me: “Why?”

Player: “Read my login.”

It was posted by “RancidDogFart.”

(I do a lot of my shopping online from [Big Retailer]. They have started using third-party sellers like [Online Retailer] does. I order a 1500LM spotlight. When it is delivered I get a 500LM lantern. [Big Retailer] says to contact the third-party company for a refund. From the emails, it slowly becomes obvious this company is very shady.)

Me: “I was sent the wrong item and would like a refund.”

Company: “Thanks for your email and sorry for the inconvenience.

We are the third party on [Big Retailer]. Sorry, could you please kindly tell us how we can help you? Please don’t worry; we will provide solutions as you wish after we confirm the problem. We wish your kindly understanding and wait for your reply.

Regards.”

Me: “The spotlight I ordered didn’t come. I got a lantern of some kind that isn’t even a flashlight.”

Company: “Thanks for your letter.

Please don’t worry. Your request will be accepted. But could you kindly describe the problem in detail?

Have you received the item you ordered? Or have you received the wrong item? We will give you a response as soon as possible. Looking forward to your letter. Have a nice day.

Best regards.”

Me: “I did not receive the item I ordered. The wrong item was delivered. I don’t want a replacement. I want a refund. If you will email me a return address label I will gladly send the item back.”

Company: “Thanks for your letter and sorry for this inconvenience.

Please don’t worry; we will provide a good solution for you.

But could you kindly provide us a picture of the received item and the SKU label on the product packaging?

Looking forward to your letter. Have a nice day.

Best regards.”

Me: “Here are pictures of the box. There is no SKU label on the box that I see.”

Company: “Thanks for your letter. Please don’t worry.

The item you received is the same as advertised.

You could take it out and check if it is workable.

If you have any other problems, please feel free to contact us. Have a nice day.

Best regards.”

Me: “No. The item is not as described. Not at all. Here are the two pictures side by side. The first pic is what I ordered. The second is what I received. Not the same thing. Not sure what the problem is but it’s not the same and I want a refund ASAP.”

Company: “Thanks for your calling and sorry for this inconvenience.

Please don’t worry; we will provide a good solution for you. But could you kindly provide us the picture of the received item and the SKU label on the product packaging? Looking forward to your letter. Have a nice day.

Best regards.”

Me: “I’ve already done this. I sent the email with the pictures of what I received and somebody emailed me back saying it was what I ordered. It was not. Sure, here are the pictures again. It is not the same thing and I want a refund ASAP. Best regards to you. Better when you refund my money.”

(I call [Big Retailer] customer service and read them all these emails. They refund my money. Then, I get another email.)

Company: “Thanks for your letter.

Could you kindly check if it is workable? If it is still workable, we would like to provide you a $3 refund as compensation. Looking forward to your letter. Have a nice day.

Best regards.”

Me: “You should have to send a full refund, not a $3 refund as compensation for something you did wrong! I have settled this matter with [Big Retailer]. I will add my online review to the many other negative reviews of your company.”

Company: “Thanks for your letter and sorry for this inconvenience.

We would like to provide you a $13 refund.

And you could keep the item.

Could you accept it?

Looking forward to your letter. Have a nice day.

Best regards.”

(I send another email. Here is proof that there is no way a person is reading these emails.)

Me: “Your offer is $13? Let me think about it. I think… no deal! As a struggling actor, I need all the breaks that I can get.

Looking forward to your letter. Not really.

Regards and Liberty Biberty to you.”

Company: “Thanks for your letter.

We have arranged a full refund to you. And you don’t need to return the item. It usually takes about three to five business days for the refund to appear on your credit/debit card. If you still haven’t received the refund that time, please ensure that five to seven business days have passed from the time that the refund was initiated. If you have any other problems, please feel free to contact us. Have a nice day.

Best regards.”

(I have my doubts they have any intention of sending a refund.)

While working from home during the recent global health crisis, I post a picture online of my cat cuddling my laptop and mock-complain that my work calls are being interrupted by purring. The following comment exchange ensues between me and my sisters. 

Sister #1: “In-purr-upted?”

Sister #2: “I am proud of that pun. It is purrfect.” 

Me: *Pause* “Get out.”

Sister #1: “Aww. Do I have to leave right meow?” 

Me: “I guess you can stay for a mew minutes.” 

Sister #2: “You have got to be kitten me! She can stay fur as long as she likes!” 

Remember that laughter helps reduce stress! Stay safe and keep smiling, everyone!

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