I work in customer service and answer emails when customers have questions about their orders.

Customer: “I can’t check out on your site; it keeps adding up more items and kicking me out of my account.”

Me: “Have you tried logging in first? Once logged in, you can save your items and check out.”

Customer: “Yes, I have done that. It keeps duplicating orders and I can’t figure this out. Here is a screenshot of my cart. I only want one CD for $14 but the total is $28! And it is not for the sale price of $7!”

She attaches the screenshot that clearly shows her quantity is two and she did not apply the coupon code.

Me: “Ma’am, you will need to update your quantity in your cart. There is either a ‘remove item,’ or ‘update quantity’ button. You then enter in the coupon code and click ‘apply.’”

Customer: “I have tried that. It won’t work. Your site is screwed up. I am doing this right; you are wrong!”

Me: “I just checked the site, added the same things you want, and did it fine. If you are having issues, you can either try another browser, or give us a call and place this over the phone.”

Customer: “No, I shouldn’t need to switch browsers! I am not going to pay to call and place the order. You need to fix this; your site is acting up.”

I respond to one more email, saying, “Sorry, but if you don’t want to do either of those things, I can’t help you,” and then I go home for the night. But the emails continue.

Customer: “Please see my other emails and respond and help!”

And…

Customer: “I just tried it again and now I have five copies, not at the sale price, but I keep adding more items and the coupon does not work. Your site is broken!”

Also…

Customer: “I keep trying to start over and log in but I am getting more items. Why aren’t you helping me?! You don’t know what you’re doing!”

Then — imagine that — she tries my first suggestion and it works, and her final email comes.

Customer: “As I suspected, the problem was not lack of user knowledge, but rather lay with the browser. I succumbed to having to install Firefox and, voila, guess what, not a single problem encountered! The complexity of the issues outlined by me provided sufficient evidence that the issue was clearly of a technical nature! Nevertheless, thank you for your correspondence.”

I think I need to ignore more customers and let them figure it out themselves!

It is during the quarantine period. I am experiencing some mild symptoms and have been advised not to leave my house at all for the full fourteen-day period. I am abiding by the rules perfectly.

Since I am stuck at home, I am watching a lot of shows and movies and my HDMI cord has broken, so I use a common delivery app to order a new cord. An HDMI cord is $5 to $15. Upon receiving the item and looking at the receipt, I realize the person had purchased a $75 HDMI cord. This is a common scam, since the commission is based on the price of the item. 

Immediately, I contact the app company.

Me: “Hello. I used your service to order an HDMI cord, which is about a $10 item. The person purchased a $75 cord, though. This is ridiculous. How do we fix this?”

Company: “Oh, we’re so sorry to hear that! All you have to do is go return the item to the store and send us a picture of the return receipt and we’ll refund it.”

Me: *Pause* “I can’t leave the house; I’m quarantined. I cannot be in public right now. Is there any other way to fix this?”

Company: “Oh, we’re sorry about that! Unfortunately, we cannot control what price a merchant charges for an item.”

Me: “I understand that you cannot control what a company charges for an item, but that is not the issue. The issue is that I requested a $10 item and your delivery person bought the most high-end version of HDMI cords for $75 when I requested a $10 cord.”

This was the last correspondence I heard back from the company. I continued calling and emailing them with no response for the next two weeks. I finally reached out to my bank to file a claim. A few days later, the delivery company issued a partial refund for the price difference between the expensive cord and the normal cord. They sent $65; I was still responsible for the delivery fee, of course.

We are processing online orders while everyone is stuck at home on lockdown, and as an art and craft retailer, we’re busier than we ever have been before.

Most customers are very understanding and patient, but then sometimes you do get people who make you question your own sanity. Are people just not aware of what’s going on around them? Or do they think if they place an online order, robots do it all? You press a button and an order comes out?

One particular customer messages us on a Wednesday to say that his order is late. I check his estimated delivery and see that it is not due until the next Saturday or Monday.

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that your order has not yet arrived; however, your estimated delivery is between Saturday and Monday, so please allow at least up until this time for delivery to be made. I can see from your tracking that your parcel is currently at your local depot so it should be delivered soon.”

Customer: “No. There’s no reason for this order to be later than today; I’ve received post with no problem all week. If you dispatched with Royal Mail, then it should have arrived by now, regardless of the estimate. I’ve ordered next-day deliveries and they’ve arrived the next day!”

This is not a next-day delivery.

Customer: “You’re just using the outbreak as an excuse!”

Me: “I’m very glad to hear that you have been receiving parcels without any problems, but I’m afraid that this does not change the fact that your estimated delivery is between Saturday and Monday.”

Customer: “NO, IT ISN’T!”

We’ve had many customers complaining that orders were late, but this is the first insisting that, during a national emergency, his order should be early!

This story is part of our crazy-online-shoppers roundup!

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I’m part of an online roleplaying group like Dungeons & Dragons. We’re starting a new and very small campaign to set a backstory for another campaign, consisting of me, two other players, and the Dungeon Master.

We are pirates, and I become the captain due to a dice roll. We’ve been told to introduce ourselves, and our only dwarf — usually a very prepared player — isn’t prepared.

Dwarf Player: “My name is… uh… Gregor… Erm…”

Me: “Sparklebeard.”

Other Player: “Yes.”

Dwarf Player: “No!”

DM: “I think your captain knows what her first mate’s name is.”

Dwarf Player: “When was it decided that I was the first mate?”

DM: “Just now, Sparklebeard.”

Dwarf Player: “My name isn’t Sparklebeard.”

Me: “It’s your stage name.”

Other Player: “Yup, ‘cause you’re a stripper.”

Me: “Yes. You dump glitter in your beard and strip; that’s how you got the name.”

DM: “Is there a set time where he does this?”

Me: “On the weekend.”

Other Player: “And only when drunk.”

Me: “That’s why he’s foggy on the subject.”

Dwarf Player: *Laughing* “Fine, I’ll take it. I’m a gay stripper on the weekend when drunk.”

DM: “Wait, a gay one?”

Dwarf Player: “If I’m being a pirate stripper, I’m being a fabulous one.”

Me: “We don’t judge on this ship.”

Fast forward later into the campaign. We’re victorious in a pirate battle, and thus, we start drinking. During our drinking, we’re ambushed and we’re struggling in that battle.

Dwarf Player: “Wait! Am I drunk right now?!”

DM: “Roll for drunkenness. Low is drunk; high is sober. If you’re drunk, you have to roll with two dice. If you get a one, it’s three.”

The dwarf rolls and gets a four.

Dwarf Player: “Right. I dump glitter in my beard and strip to distract the enemy.” 

He rolls again and gets a seventeen and an eighteen.

DM: “Well. It works. The enemy is completely distracted by you.”

We proceeded to win the fight on the back of this roll. Later on, we also managed to sneak into a fort by using him as a stripper-gram. It was a very successful campaign.

This story was featured in our May 2020 roundup!

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Like many professors during the current health crisis, I am teaching my class online from home. I have online office hours every day, and I tend to lock myself in my home office so I can have peace and quiet when I’m talking with my students.

This morning I am holding office hours with three of my students, answering questions about a lecture topic. After ten minutes of back and forth, there seems to be general agreement among the students, but I want to make sure.

Me: “How does everyone feel about that? Any more questions?”

There was a moment of silence followed by a very loud “MEOW.”

My students heard it and started laughing from three different time zones. They got it, but apparently, the cat had gotten stuck in the office and she definitely had a question.