Good Grief

| London, England, UK | Romantic | October 26, 2012

(I am playing an MMORPG. My character’s avatar is quite colourful, with a rather flamboyant name, which is ironic since I am gay but not flamboyant in real life. I am running a single player quest when a guild of other characters come across mine. The in-game banter kicks in.)

Player #1: “Are you a queer?”

Me: “Why does that matter?”

Player #1: “Because you look like a f***ing queer. All that rainbow s*** on you.”

Me: “So what if I am?”

Player #2: “Oh, my God! He is a queer! Get off this game you homo! Go play My Little Pony!”

Me: *sarcastic* “Oh, my. How progressive.”

(Suddenly one of the players starts attacking my character. Being a seasoned player, I respond immediately with a rather powerful magic spell. I KO one character immediately, but there are still four left and they are all quite powerful in their own right. I am about to die myself, when another character, literally a knight in shining armour, runs into the scene and starts attacking the characters. He also manages to heal me and together we manage to fend off the homophobic guild.)

Heroic knight: “Hey there! I saw that they were grieving you, so I thought I would jump in and help.”

Me: “My hero! Lol. Thanks so much!”

Heroic knight: “I wonder what their problem was anyway?”

Me: “Just a bunch of homophobes.”

Heroic knight: “Death to all homophobes! Someone should invent that spell!”

(We chat in-game a little more and discover that we are both gay, the same age, and live in London! We have been dating for a few years, and people always gasp when I tell them we met when he saved me from being killed by a bunch of thugs.)

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Are We Human, Or Are We Answers

| Germany | Right | August 5, 2012

(I’m an online chat agent for a phone company. I help customers choose and order cell phones and plans through online chat.)

Customer: “Do you carry [mobile broadband plan]?”

Me: “Yes, we do! Would you like me to help you choose the right plan for you?”

Customer: “No. You’re automatic s***! I wanted to talk to an actual employee! No way I’m ever using [company] again.”

Me: “I assure you I’m in fact human. Now, do you want to continue?”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. Who’s our finance minister?”

(I tell her the name of Germany’s finance minister.)

Customer: “Oh, sorry, then. I just assumed because you were typing so neatly! Yeah, let’s keep going.”

(I help her figure out what’s the perfect internet plan for her needs. I make sure to do some small talk and deliberately add a typo here or there.)

Customer: “Thanks, that was really helpful! I’ll go buy it at the store, then.”

(I’m bummed because I have spent a lot of time helping her and I was looking forward to my commission. I won’t get this commission if she orders through the store.)

Me: “You’re welcome, but I could give you 25€ off if you order with me. It’s a matter of five minutes, tops.”

Customer: “No, thanks. I want to buy from an actual person, not a computer. Bye!” *hangs up*

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I Hope You’re Pool-ing My Leg

| Somerset, England, UK | Right | June 5, 2012

Me: “Good afternoon, [business name]. How can I help?”

Caller: “Yes, I’ve been looking at your seven-foot pool tables on your website, and I have a few questions.”

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. What would you like to know?”

Caller: “So, seven feet…is that the height?”

Detached From (Digital) Reality

, | Beltsville, MD, USA | Right | May 15, 2012

(I work for an online retail store. When customers send orders to addresses different from their card, we e-mail them a Word document form. This form requires they fill it out and e-mail it back to us.)

Customer: “I don’t understand. I’ve sent this form to you several times now.”

Me: “Sir, I saw your e-mail, but the form wasn’t attached to it.”

Customer: “Attached? How do you do that?”

Me: “What program or e-mail provider do you use?”

Customer: “I don’t know. I just write e-mails.”

Me: “Well, is your e-mail through Outlook, or is it something in a browser, like AOL, Yahoo, or Gmail?

Customer: “Yahoo.”

Me: “Okay. Well, you need to look for—”

Customer: “Hold up! I don’t even have my e-mail open. Why do I need to do this? I used your program and sent you the file.”

Me: “What program, sir?”

Customer: “Microsoft Office. And now it’s opening a bunch of files! 1, 2, 3, 4…20!”

Me: “Did you click on our file a bunch of times?”

Customer: “No! I just clicked on what you sent me! Your program is really stupid.”

Me: “Sir, that’s not our program. We sent you a document. The program to open it is someone else’s.”

Customer: “Well, your ‘document’ has a virus! There are 20 things on my screen now!”

Me: “It’s not a virus, sir. Just close those windows down, and we’ll start from scratch…”

Customer: *a few minutes later* “There. I filled out the form. You should have it.”

Me: “Sir, did you save it and attach it to the e-mail?”

Customer: “What do you mean? I filled it out! You should have it.”

Me: “You have to save it and attach it to the e-mail.”

Customer: “That’s stupid! Your program should just send it to you!”

Me: “Sir, again, that’s not our program. That is just a Word document that you save your information in.”

Customer: “You should use a program that just lets you fill it out and it sends the information.”

Me: “Sorry, our documents don’t do that.”

Customer: “This is ridiculously complicated. I’m about to cancel my order!”

Me: “If you wish to do that sir, it’s up to you.”

Customer: “I mean, how do you run your business? I have a Master’s in Computer Science! If I can’t figure this out, who could?!”

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Something For Nothing Or Nothing For Something, Part 2

, | Chicago, IL, USA | Right | January 17, 2012

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a refund on [membership]. I never used it.”

Me: “No problem! Actually, I’m looking at your account here and it looks like you tried to buy it, but at the time, your credit card failed and so you never actually purchased it.”

Customer: “But I don’t have it.”

Me: “I know. It looks like you never bought it in the first place. I’m sorry about that.”

Customer: “But I don’t have it and I was never able to use it. So you’re not going to refund me?”

Me: “I can’t–”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re refusing to refund me!”

Me: “I can’t refund you because you didn’t buy anything.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Just put the money back on my card!”

Me: “I can’t put money back on your card because we never took any off.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re refusing to refund me! This is terrible customer service.”

Me: “Sir, you never bought anything. How can I give you back money we never took from you? Where would the money come from?”

Customer: “Just give it to me! Why is this so hard?”

Me: “Okay, can you look at your credit card and tell me the exact date that we charged you? If it turns out that your records are more correct than mine, I’m happy to refund you.”

Customer: “No! I’m not going to do that! Why should I check my credit card statement!?”

Me: “According to our records, you never bought anything. I can’t give you back money that you didn’t spend. If our records are wrong, I can refund you.”

Customer: “I’m not going to check anything! This is the worst customer service experience I have ever had! I can’t believe you’re giving me such a hard time over such a small amount of money!”

Me: “Actually, I’m giving you such a hard time over no money because you never bought anything.”

Customer: “Let me speak to your manager!”

 

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