From USB Port To Teleport

| MI, USA | Right | April 8, 2013

(I am chatting online with a potential customer.)

Customer: “Hey, I really like this necklace. Can I pay by Paypal?”

Me: “Absolutely, if you follow the instructions on check out, you can pay and leave your shipping address there. I’ll get it shipped in the morning.”

Customer: “Do I have to leave an address? Can’t you just email it to me?”

Me: “Email you for your address?”

Customer: “No, email me the necklace. I don’t want to give you my address.”

Me: “You want me to email you the necklace?”

Customer: “Never mind, cancel it. You’re too much work!”

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A Most (Downloadable) Content Valentine

, | Grand Rapids, MI, USA | Romantic | February 19, 2013

(My husband and I are rather tight on money since I’m not working and he’s at a min-wage job. We can’t afford to do anything for Valentine’s Day this year. We both play a MMORPG called ‘EverQuest 2’.)

Husband: “I have something I want to show you.”

Me: “Um, okay.”

Husband: “Take the housing portal to Nezerreth’s Inn Room.”

Me: *confused* “Okay.”

(The entire room is decorated for me. Hedges with red roses frame the room, roses are scattered everywhere, butterflies and fireflies are also used. In the middle of the room on the floor he has spelt out in silver roses: ‘I Love You’.)

Husband: “Well, we don’t have any money, but I just wanted to do something for you.”

Me: *staring at it happily* “Yay!” *claps hands* “There’s no pink!”

His Argument Doesn’t Add Up

| GA, USA | Romantic | November 29, 2012

(I often tease my girlfriend and call her a lesbian. We’ve decided she’s actually half bisexual.)

Me: “You always round up to the nearest whole if you have half or more, right?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah?”

Me: “Well if you’re half bi, then you’re all bi, which would make you half lesbian.”

Girlfriend: “Hmm.”

Me: “And if you’re half lesbian, you’re all lesbian. Therefore, you are a lesbian.”

Girlfriend: “Well, I can’t argue with math!”

Good Grief

| London, England, UK | Romantic | October 26, 2012

(I am playing an MMORPG. My character’s avatar is quite colourful, with a rather flamboyant name, which is ironic since I am gay but not flamboyant in real life. I am running a single player quest when a guild of other characters come across mine. The in-game banter kicks in.)

Player #1: “Are you a queer?”

Me: “Why does that matter?”

Player #1: “Because you look like a f***ing queer. All that rainbow s*** on you.”

Me: “So what if I am?”

Player #2: “Oh, my God! He is a queer! Get off this game you homo! Go play My Little Pony!”

Me: *sarcastic* “Oh, my. How progressive.”

(Suddenly one of the players starts attacking my character. Being a seasoned player, I respond immediately with a rather powerful magic spell. I KO one character immediately, but there are still four left and they are all quite powerful in their own right. I am about to die myself, when another character, literally a knight in shining armour, runs into the scene and starts attacking the characters. He also manages to heal me and together we manage to fend off the homophobic guild.)

Heroic knight: “Hey there! I saw that they were grieving you, so I thought I would jump in and help.”

Me: “My hero! Lol. Thanks so much!”

Heroic knight: “I wonder what their problem was anyway?”

Me: “Just a bunch of homophobes.”

Heroic knight: “Death to all homophobes! Someone should invent that spell!”

(We chat in-game a little more and discover that we are both gay, the same age, and live in London! We have been dating for a few years, and people always gasp when I tell them we met when he saved me from being killed by a bunch of thugs.)

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Are We Human, Or Are We Answers

| Germany | Right | August 5, 2012

(I’m an online chat agent for a phone company. I help customers choose and order cell phones and plans through online chat.)

Customer: “Do you carry [mobile broadband plan]?”

Me: “Yes, we do! Would you like me to help you choose the right plan for you?”

Customer: “No. You’re automatic s***! I wanted to talk to an actual employee! No way I’m ever using [company] again.”

Me: “I assure you I’m in fact human. Now, do you want to continue?”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. Who’s our finance minister?”

(I tell her the name of Germany’s finance minister.)

Customer: “Oh, sorry, then. I just assumed because you were typing so neatly! Yeah, let’s keep going.”

(I help her figure out what’s the perfect internet plan for her needs. I make sure to do some small talk and deliberately add a typo here or there.)

Customer: “Thanks, that was really helpful! I’ll go buy it at the store, then.”

(I’m bummed because I have spent a lot of time helping her and I was looking forward to my commission. I won’t get this commission if she orders through the store.)

Me: “You’re welcome, but I could give you 25€ off if you order with me. It’s a matter of five minutes, tops.”

Customer: “No, thanks. I want to buy from an actual person, not a computer. Bye!” *hangs up*

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