(I wear glasses. My friend has recently introduced me to his girlfriend who’s really nice and has added me on Facebook. She uploads a picture of the three of us posing together but I have my eyes closed. Some time later I’m talking to friend on chat.)

Friend: “I uploaded that picture to Facebook. Did you see?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s a shame my eyes were shut.”

Friend: “Well, I’m sorry about that rude idiot who commented about your glasses.”

Me: “What? Who… When?”

Friend: “That guy who posted something about ‘specsavers’! Some people are so rude.”

Me: “That was my Nan…”

Friend: “Oh…”

(My Nan likes to make comments on these things so she had posted a comment saying ‘Should have gone to specsavers.’)

(I’m on a well-known PC company’s website trying to decide if I want to replace my laptop with their tablet or a third party one with the same operating system. I see an online chat button and click it.)

Rep: “Hi. Thank you for visiting [Company] Website! My name is [Rep]. How may I help you?”

Me: “Hi! I just had a few questions. I need a tablet for university and I’ve been thinking about the [Company-Specific tablet], but I’m not sure if that’s the best one for me. I’m wondering if one of the other [same OS] tablets would be a better choice, since I’m kinda on a student’s budget.”

Rep: “I see. I’ll be happy to answer that question for you. Before we proceed, may I please have your first and last name, and your email address?”

Me: “[My Name] and my email is [email]@university.edu.”

(We have a very brief chat where the rep is thrown off by my need to run a somewhat obscure software program, so they tell me to call tech support directly.)

Me: “Thank you very much. I just have one more question. When I was browsing the [Company] site a few days back, I saw student discounts were offered. I can’t find it again. Is there a direct link, or did I just miss out on a limited time thing?”

Rep: “Are you a student?”

(I am English, and my girlfriend is a (New York) American At this point we are talking over Skype about arguments, as I am very patient and don’t get angry.)

Girlfriend: “How will I know if I piss you off?”

Me: “Well, we’re really open with each other, so I’m sure I’d talk it through with you.”

Girlfriend: “You’ll know when you piss me off.”

Me: “I’m aware. You let me know.” *laughs*

Girlfriend: “Yeah, one day you’ll walk into the bathroom and find the tub and sink full of water, and all of your dumb tea bags in them and the toilet.”

Me: *laughing* “Really?”

Girlfriend: “Yep. Tea Party time, b****!”

(My friend has recently moved into my house and lives in my spare bedroom. We are sitting on my couch one evening watching TV while using our laptops. I notice a status update she has posted on Facebook.)

Friend: “[My Name] is the best roommate ever!”

Me: *commenting* “I’m not lowering the rent.”

Friend: *commenting as well* “D***.”

(I have just gotten two new kittens, one of which loves attention all the time from everybody. I am talking to my long-distance boyfriend over Facebook on my phone while the kitten attempts to catch my eye.)

Me: “Arinbjorn is craving attention again.”

Boyfriend: “Seems you found your baby kitten.”

Me: “He keeps knocking the phone away.”

(Just then, Arinbjorn smacks the phone from my hand and steps on it before smooching my arm and running away. He appears to have written and sent a message by accident.)

Message: “I 66t7u77777 L”

Me: “Uh… he says hi?”