Customer: “I bought these games yesterday, and I don’t want them. I want my money back.”

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t give you cashback. I can exchange them for credit so you can choose something else.”

Customer: “I was not told that when I bought them.”

Me: “Yeah, sorry… but we do have signs up.” *I point to two of these signs*

Customer: “Well, I’m illiterate, so I couldn’t know! Now give me my f****** money!”

Me: “As I said, I am sorry, but I can only do it as credit.”

Customer: “But, there was no way I could know that when I bought them! I’m illiterate!”

Me: “Well, there was no way we could know that when you bought them. Perhaps you could get a sign?”

This story is part of the Customers-Ignoring-Signs roundup!

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Customer: “Oi, you! I need a coat and it’s not here!”

Me: “Certainly, miss, do you have the catalogue number?”

Customer: “No! I’ve told you it’s not here!”

Me: “Okay, describe it.”

Customer: “I want one that will keep me dry and warm in winter, but cool in summer.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock magic coats.”

Customer: “Well, where could I f***ing find one like it?!”

Me: “…Narnia?”

This story is part of our Perfect Comebacks roundup!

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Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what you can do for my dog. He’s really aggressive and tries to bite me and everyone. Do you train dogs here or something?”

Me: “No, sir, but I can refer you to a trainer.”

Customer: “I don’t have time for that! I need advice now. What do you think I should do?”

Me: “Well, sir, is he a show dog?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you going to use him for breeding?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I would suggest that you have him neutered as a first step; it will help calm him down. Also, enroll him in an obedience class. That will–”

Customer: “Neuter him? You mean cut his balls off!?”

Me: “Well…”

Customer: “G**d***it, that’s so typical! All you feminist Nazis all just wanna cut off all us men’s balls!”

(Just then, the main veterinarian comes out from the back to see what the yelling is about.)

Veterinarian: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I’ll tell you what! That girl there suggested I get his balls whacked off!”

Veterinarian: “Now, [My Name], I’ve told you before we don’t treat exotic animals here, haven’t I?”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Veterinarian: “Well, let’s not have this happen again…” *turns back to the customer* “I am sorry, sir. We normally do not treat large apes, but since my person here already told you we do, I’ll honor it. When would you like to make the appointment?”

Customer: *storms out*

This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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Me: “What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I want a small popcorn, and don’t try to upsell me a medium!”

Me: “Can I interest you in a large then?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager.”

This story is part of our Perfect Comebacks roundup!

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Me: “Thank you for calling [office]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “I need a driver’s license.”

Me: “Okay. You can come to our office; as it is Saturday, we are open until 12:30 pm.”

Caller: “I can’t make it in time; can you fax me one?”

Me: “Sorry, sir. It’s a plastic card, and it can not be faxed or emailed. We also have to take your photo, so this can be done only in person.”

Caller: “It was my birthday yesterday, so my license is expired. Can’t you do it over the phone?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I can not send you a plastic license over the phone.”

Caller: “F*** you!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. I can’t do that over the phone, either.”

This story is part of the DMV roundup!

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