Unfiltered Story #104347

, , | Unfiltered | January 24, 2018

Dad: “I want fat-free vanilla. But only put about HALF of what you normally use.”

Employee: *scoops ice cream onto cone*

Dad: “Well, I wanted a little more than that.”

Employee: *scoops more ice cream onto cone*

Dad: “No, that’s too much.”

Employee: *frustrated, puts ice cream back and 5 minutes later manages to get the right amount onto the cone*

Me, Mom, Brother: *shake our heads while enjoying our ice cream*

Employee: “That’ll be $11.50.”

Dad: *flips through wallet for the right amount of cash while holding cone sideways – ice cream falls onto the counter*

Dad: “Gee, it wasn’t on there very good.”

(10 minutes later we’re all in the car going home)

Dad: “What’s wrong, Ben?”

Me: “I go to school with that guy, Dad!”

Dad: “What’s your point?”

Treating Depression With Tongue Firmly In Cheek

, , , , , | Healthy | January 17, 2018

(On my most recent office visit, I get some coffee but am hustled into a room before I can mix in cream or sugar. I spot a container of tongue depressors and grab one to stir. The nurse chuckles a bit at my audacity, but it makes perfect sense to me; it’s just like any other wooden coffee stirrer. Then, I have a bright idea. A few moments later my doctor walks in:)

Me: “I think I need Zoloft for my tongue.”

Doctor: “Why is that?”

Me: “It’s been depressed.”

(I got the laugh I hoped for. Nice to have a doctor with a sense of humor.)

Maybe They Were Too Baked To Notice

, , , , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(A customer comes back with pizza he ordered earlier. This is a take-and-bake pizzeria, which, of course, means they take it home and bake it in their oven.)

Customer: “I want to know who cooked this pizza. It’s cold and nasty!”

Manager: “Um… We don’t cook the pizzas here.”

Customer: “Well, whoever cooked it, it’s cold, and it’s disgusting.”

Manager: “Sir, we don’t cook the pizzas; this is a take-and-bake.”

Customer: “Well, whoever cooked it, it was terrible.”

His Gift-Giving Skills Are Getting Sharper

, , , , , , , | Related | January 1, 2018

(My dad is a bit of an odd duck. When going through the Christmas present my parents have sent for my boyfriend and me, I pull two small rectangular boxes out of a package, each with one of our names on them.)

Me: “Oh, I almost missed these; they’re so small. Wow, they’re pretty heavy, too… Wait…”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “They’re small, heavy, there’s one for each us, and they’re from my dad.”

Boyfriend: “Knives?”

Me: “Knives.”

(They were, indeed, two very nice pocket knives. I still know my dad’s tastes.)

What A Ship Dit

, , , , , | Friendly | December 25, 2017

(Recently, a number of things have thrown me into ill health. Caring for a dog for a few days exacerbates my allergy problems. I chat routinely with a really nice guy from Tehran. I tell him of a planned doctor visit for my problems.)

Friend: “You are having a fitting cough?”

(I think, “No, dip s***, it’s not ‘fitting’ for anyone. I would only wish this on my worst enemies.” At that moment, I try to cough up a lung. I am in enough agony that I think about saying something I might regret to a nice friend. Then it dawns on me:)

Me: “You mean a coughing fit?”

Friend: “Yes, that’s it.”

(Isn’t language fun?)

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