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Oh, Great. Another Headache.

, , , , , | Related | March 18, 2021

I have just returned from the dentist to determine the cause of a week-long headache. At the dentist’s office, I had removed my glasses before getting an x-ray. At home, I look down to my chest where I expect to see them hanging by their strap. They aren’t there.

Me: “Where are my glasses?”

Daughter: “How should I know? Do you mean the ones you’re wearing?”

I snarled and walked away while flipping her the bird.

That’s The Way The Cookie Gloriously Crumbles, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | March 17, 2021

We do not sell normal textbooks at our store; however, we do sell nursing and some law textbooks. Because of the high price and the fact that each of the textbooks comes with a digital download and CD, all of these are shrink-wrapped. We tell each customer when they purchase these that they cannot return them unless they are unopened, and it has to be within seven business days — seven days shorter than our normal return policy.

A customer comes up to the front with a return and immediately apologizes, stating that this will be the hardest return that I have to do today. I’m bracing myself for the worst kind of return — a book damaged or ripped — and she pulls out one of the nursing textbooks we sell.

It’s still in its packaging, with the receipt taped to the front of the shrinkwrap.

I look up to her and ask my standard questions.

Me: “Was anything wrong with it?”

Customer: “No, I just realized that I’m not cut out for nursing and wanted to return it. I know I’m a bit late with the receipt, so if you can only give me partial credit or nothing at all, that’s fine.”

I quickly scan the receipt.

Me: “You bought this three days ago? The packaging is still unopened. Do you have the card you paid with it on you by chance?”

Customer: “Yes, actually; I was planning on buying some other books.”

Me: “Okay, well, this all looks in order, so if you insert your card, you’ll be getting $156.88 back on your card, but since it’s the weekend, it won’t go back on until Tuesday.”

Customer: “Wait, seriously?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. You are within the return policy, so you’ll be getting the full amount back.”

Customer: *Nearly in tears* “I didn’t expect that at all! I bought a textbook from the campus, and even though it was unopened, they told me I could only get $30 back. Thank you! You just made my day!”

Me: “Well, I’m glad I was able to help! You are one of the easiest returns I’ve done in a while, so if you could sign this, you can get on your way!”

I hand her a return receipt that comes with a coupon for a BOGO cookie over in our café.

Customer: “What kind of cookie do you like?”

Me: “I think the chocolate chunk is the best, but my coworkers usually say the peanut butter one.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you.”

Ten minutes later, she comes up to me at the register and hands me one of our chocolate chunk cookies.

Customer: “Thank you so much again! I really appreciate it! This is for you!”

Me: “Thank you so much! I didn’t expect that!”

It made my day to see someone who was so sweet get exactly what she deserved!

That’s The Way The Cookie Gloriously Crumbles

This story is part of our Feel Good roundup for March 2021!

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They Just Mashed The Buttons And Hoped

, , , , | Right | March 11, 2021

Sometime back in the 1990s, I still have a landline phone. I hear occasionally of people who have a home phone one digit off from some popular call destination like a radio station which, of course, gets annoying when some station offers prizes to the Nth caller. I don’t have that problem. I get wrong numbers, sure, but never the perpetual “off by one digit calls”… until one day:

The phone rings.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: *Screaming* “WHAT NUMBER AM I?! WHAT NUMBER AM I?!”

Me: *Calmly* “I don’t know. What number are you?”

Caller: *Confused* “Is this [Radio Station]?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: *Screams and hangs up*

Me: “Well, wasn’t that special?”

For fun, I looked up the station’s number. It wasn’t even close.

Sometimes It’s Safer To Have A Cow

, , , , | Learning | March 4, 2021

It’s an ordinary day. I am reading a book to my fourth-grade class when the principal comes on the intercom.

Principal: “Teachers and faculty, this is a code blue. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.”

Heart pounding, I do everything I am supposed to. I check for people in the hallway, turn out the lights, lock the door, urge my class into a hidden corner of the room, and tell them to be quiet.

An hour passes, and my kids start getting antsy.

Student: “Mr. [My Name], what’s going on?”

Me: “I don’t know. And be quiet.”

A few more minutes pass, and the principal comes on the intercom again and says the danger has passed. I do all the usual procedures and find my boss in the hallway. He’s laughing. I also spot a police officer who is also laughing.

Me: “What happened? My kids were scared!”

Principal: “It was a cow!”

Me: “You’re kidding.”

Police Officer: “No, he’s not. Somebody forgot to close the main doors, and she managed to get in and make herself at home! We’ve contacted animal control and are currently asking all the local farmers if she’s theirs.”

Laughing, I went back to my classroom, calmed down my kids, and told them that everything was okay. And that’s how a cow caused mass panic in an elementary school and caused us to lock down for over an hour.

Just Wait For All This To Blow Over

, , , , | Romantic | March 2, 2021

Me: “If I was bitten by a zombie, what would you do?”

Husband: “Shhhhh… Wait? What kind of zombie? Shaun Of The Dead, World War Z or Night Of The Living Dead zombie?”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “Because World War Z zombies are fast, Shaun Of The Dead zombies can be trained, and Night Of The Living Dead zombies are slow.”

Me: “Um, Shaun Of The Dead.”

Husband: “I’d probably do what he did with Nick Frost at the end: train you to play video games with me. If you had picked one of the other two I would shoot you. Repeatedly. In the face.”