Customer: “Can you help me find a movie? Your system confuses me.”
Me: “The alphabet?”
Customer: “Yeah.”
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(A guest staying in the hotel calls the Front Desk at 3:30 AM.)
Me: “Front Desk.”
Guest: *slurring* “I messed my bed!”
Me: “What do you mean by ‘mess’, sir?”
Guest: “I mean I s*** my bed. You are gonna have to come clean it up!”
Me: “You are more than welcome to come down to the–”
Guest: “You are gonna come clean this up! I need new sheets!”
Me: “Sir, I am sorry, but I am not coming to your room to clean up your feces. I can give you fresh sheets at the front desk.”
Guest: “You are going to clean my s***!”
(This goes back and forth for several minutes, when I look in the computer to see that the guest is in a room with two beds.)
Me: “Sir, are you in this room by yourself?”
Guest: “Yes!”
Me: “Is the other bed broken?”
Guest: “No!”
Me: “Could you, perhaps, sleep in the other bed until housekeeping can give you fresh sheets?”
Guest: “You won’t charge me for using the other bed?”
(I’m working as a technical support agent for a satellite TV company. I get a call where I hear a baby screaming in the background.)
Me: “Thank you for calling Technical Support. How are you doing this evening?”
Customer: “Hello? Yes? I need to speak to someone in the technical department.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am, this is the technical department. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Hi, I’m babysitting for a woman, and she has a one-year-old. I’ve never actually babysat a baby before, and I can’t figure out how to get the diaper off so I can change him! These things have some sort of electronic lock or something on the right so the baby can’t take them off?”
Me: “Ma’am, this is customer support for satellite television, not a child care line.”
Customer: “But you are a technical guy, right?! You should be able to help me out! Is there somewhere I can put a code in or something? Come on!”
Me: “Ma’am, again, I apologize, but this is a technical support line for satellite television. I really can’t help you.”
Customer: “Please, I’m begging you! I want to get paid for this job! If I don’t change his diaper and he gets a rash or something, I’m going to be in big trouble!”
Me: “Have you tried peeling back the two little tapes on the front of the diaper?”
(I hear the customer pause for a second, and then I hear the telltale ripping noise of the diaper tapes being peeled away.)
Customer: “Wow! You’re a genius! It came right off! Did you press a little button or something on your end?”
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(I am ringing up a middle-aged man.)
Customer: “You go to school, son?”
Me: “Yes, sir, I’m a college student.”
Customer: “Good, good. Be sure to start paying into Social Security. I’m going to need it soon.”
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Customer: “Do you have a copy of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?”
Me: “I’m not sure, let me check.” *I check our bestsellers section* “No, sir, not at this time.”
Customer: “But did you look back in the history section?”
Me: “For Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?”
Customer: “Yeah.”
Me: “No, I did not.”
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