(I work as the HR manager at a grocery store. We often have various specialty items on display near the registers. One day, an angry customer storms in and confronts me.)

Customer: “Excuse me! Your cheese samples made me very sick!”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that ma’am, but I was unaware that we had cheese samples in the store today.”

Customer: “You sure do! I took a sample and my mouth was foaming before I even left the store!”

Me: “Do you mind showing me where you found the cheese sample?”

(The customer leads me to a table filled with samples.)

Customer: “It was these! See, a whole table filled with them. They’re not even being attended by anyone! They’re all rotten. I demand compensation!”

Me: “Ma’am, the reason you got sick is because these are not cheese. These are bars of soap.”

(The customer stares at wide-eyed at the table: it’s filled with unwrapped bars of specialty bath soaps which are clearly labeled as “Organic Soaps”. Realizing her mistake, she covers her mouth with her hand and runs out of the store.)

(A customer calls in to order a movie from an ad that was just on television.)

Customer: “I want the [Name Of Movie].”

Me: “Okay, do you want it on DVD or VHS?”

Customer: “What’s a DVD?”

Me: “Okay, I’ll send it to you on VHS.”

Customer: “What’s a VHS?”

Me: “A videotape.”

Customer: “A videotape? What the heck is that?”

Me: “The tape you put in your VCR to make the movie come on.”

Customer: “VCR?”

Me: “Is there a box on your TV?”

Customer: “What’s a TV?”

Me: “Your television, the thing you just watched and saw this ad on.”

Customer: “Please just give me the show. You’re making this very confusing.”

Me: “I need to know what format to send it to you.”

Customer: “I don’t know what you’re talking about! My son makes the pictures come on.”

Me: “Thanks for calling [Law Firm]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering. Is there any precedent with custody cases involving Satanic vampire covens?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Satanic vampire covens.”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know.”

Customer: “Well, I’m looking to get custody of my child from my ex-wife because she’s recently joined a Satanic vampire coven. I have photographic evidence of her wearing ceremonial robes and drinking human blood. Is there anything I can do?”

Me: “I’m not sure. Let me go ask someone.”

Customer: “Ah, never mind. I’ll just figure it out myself.” *click*

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(I work as a tech support agent for a cell phone company.)

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support! My name is Steven. May I please have the ten-digit telephone number you’re calling about today?”

(The customer rattles off the number.)

Me: “Thank you! What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “You can fix my d*** phone, that’s what!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having issues with your phone, sir. What exactly is going on?”

(The customer proceeds to explain the issue, with a good deal of vulgarity involved.)

Me: “Okay, sir, that’s actually a known issue with the phone. I can walk you through some steps to get it fixed.”

Customer: “Don’t give me that s***! Just turn the f***ing dial or whatever!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I know you have a dial or a knob or something to make my phone connect! Just f***ing push it!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Here’s what we need to do. Type in this code, exactly the way I tell you. When it comes back up, let me know. This will let me connect to your phone, and make sure it’s tied to the tower. Now, it might erase some of your data on the phone. It’s a new method we’re trying out.”

(I give him the steps to reset the phone, which is exactly what we’re supposed to do to fix the problem.)

Customer: “Finally!”

(He punches in the code. We wait for the phone to reboot. I’m quietly typing notes into the account.)

Customer: “It’s back up now.”

Me: “Great, sir! I’m going to push the button to reconnect you now!”

(I put the headset microphone close to my keyboard, and pound on a button. I make a nice, loud CLICK sound.)

Me: “Okay, try making a call to our test number.”

(I give him the test number. The customer dials the number and gets the automated response.)

Me: “Alright then, sir. Looks like you’re back up and running! Was there anything else?”

Customer: “No, that’s it. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about the button.” *hangs up*

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. Can you verify the name on your account, please?”

Customer: “No, I can not. My box is not working, and I want a replacement sent to me tomorrow.”

Me: “If you need an equipment replacement, I can definitely have one sent to you. However, before I can do that, I will need to do a few troubleshooting steps with you.”

Customer: “My name is [Customer’s Name]! I have no picture, the box is on, and all I see is snow!”

Me: “A snowy picture usually means there is an issue with the cabling, but can also be simply the TV is on the wrong channel. Have you checked these out?”

Customer: “Do you think I’m stupid? The TV channel never changes, and the cables are still tight! Here, listen!”

(I hear a banging sound.)

Customer: “Get me a new box, now!”

(After asking a few more questions, I start the process to have a replacement sent. Out of curiosity, I ask what I was hearing earlier.)

Customer: “I grabbed the cables behind the TV. They were all tight.”

Me: “Would you mind following the cable from the equipment to the TV, checking for frays? That could also cause the signal to not get through.”

Customer: “Fine! Whatever, but there is no problem.”

(The customer puts his phone down with a slam. I listen as he bangs around loudly, cussing the entire time about how stupid I am. After a few seconds, I hear the TV blare on, and the line disconnects.)