(My register has turned up $40 short. The only people who have touched the register all day are my manager and me. I have no idea how it happened because I am very careful with money. I get written up for it, though. The next day, I’m talking to one of my coworkers. Note that I’ve told her nothing about the $40.)

Me: “Does [Manager] just hate me, or is she always in a crappy mood?”

Coworker: “Yesterday? Oh, she was just in a really b***y mood because she wanted to buy some weed from me, but couldn’t get the money.”

Me: “Wow, that’s classy.”

Coworker: “Yeah, she came up with the money last minute, though. I dunno where she got it.”

Me: *getting suspicious* “How much did she buy…?”

Coworker: “Forty bucks worth.”

Me: “…I don’t think I want to work here anymore.”

(Soon after that, the manager started cutting my hours and accusing me of things I didn’t do. Thankfully, I eventually quit!)

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(I’m making small talk with the hygienist before he starts cleaning my teeth.)

Me: “So, what did you do for Memorial Day?”

Hygienist: “Oh, my daughter graduated preschool posthumously. It was really fun.”

Me: *horrified* “What?! I think you mean a different word. ‘Posthumously’ means ‘after death’.”

Hygienist: “Oh! Yeah, nobody died.”

Me: “Thank God! I was about to start consoling you!”

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Customer: “What’s the difference between these two water heater gas lines?”

Me: “One is two feet long, and one is four feet long.”

Customer: “But what is the difference? They’re priced differently.”

Me: “Um, one is 24 inches long, and one is 48 inches long.”

Customer: “I don’t understand! Why should I buy one over the other?”

Me: “Because one is only this long.” *holds arms two feet apart* “And one is this long.” *hold arms four feet apart*

Customer: “You don’t have to be so rude!” *storms away*

Me: “Okay, great. Your confirmation number is A like ‘Apple’, Z like ‘Zebra’, Q like—”

Customer: *cheerfully* “Q like ‘Cucumber’?”

Me: “Sure. Q like Cucumber it is.”

(The customer was having trouble accessing his e-mail. I am walking through the steps.)

Me: “Now, if you could just type in the address bar—”

Caller: “Oh, you’ll have to give me a minute. I’ve only got one arm. I was in the war.”

Me: “Oh, it’s okay. Take your time. I actually had a cousin who just got back from Afghanistan. He had lost both of his legs. I couldn’t imagine.”

Caller: “Actually, I didn’t lose my arm in the war. I lost it in the shower.”

Me: *in shock*