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I’ve Always Been A Morning Person, A Morning Girrrrrrl, HOORAY!

, , , , , , | Working | August 25, 2021

I tell every boss I’ve ever had that I am not a morning person. No one ever believes me as I seem upbeat and chipper in the mornings, usually due to tons of caffeine and my “work persona.” There’s also a huge disconnect with my brain in the morning because I sleep like I’m dead. I usually don’t answer my phone in the morning cause I don’t hear it

I somehow answer the phone when it rings early one morning on my day off.

Me: “’Ello?”

Receptionist: “Hey, [My Name], I know it’s your day off, but you have a client in here to talk to you.”

Me: “What?”

Receptionist: “You have a client in here. Do you want to come in?”

Me: “I don’t… Why?”

Receptionist: “Oh, hang on. Here’s your boss. He needs to talk to you.”

Me: “Uhh…”

Boss: “Hey, [My Name], I know it’s early and your day off, but one of your clients showed up. Would you be able to come in and help them out? If not, I can flip it to one of the other client advisors.”

Me: “Wait, who is this?”

I start to actually wake up.

Boss: “This is [Boss]. Do you want to come in?”

Me: “Why would I come in?”

Boss: “Because your client is here?”

Me: “Oh… Yeah, no, I just woke up.”

Boss: “I can tell. I’ll get someone to help them.”

Me: “Awesome, bye.”

I remembered literally the very last part of this conversation and ended up calling my boss after I actually woke up. He was laughing so hard at how I was and how I couldn’t remember anything that had happened. It was used as an illustration that I needed to have coffee or an adequate amount of time before having a conversation.

Cute As The Dickens, Dumb As A Box Of Rocks

, , , , , | Right | August 18, 2021

I ordered a copy of “Bleak House” by Charles Dickens from a local bookstore because I wanted a certain edition. When it arrived, I went by to pick it up and had this conversation with the cashier.

Cashier: “Oh, I saw this book on the hold shelf. It’s big.”

Me: “Yeah, I needed this edition.”

Cashier: “Charles Dickens is the guy who wrote Moby Dick, right?”

Me: *Pauses* “No.”

Cashier: “Oh, I guess I’ve never heard of him.”

Me: “Everyone’s heard of Charles Dickens. Even if you’ve never read him, you’ve heard of some of his stuff.”

Cashier: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, he wrote A Christmas Carol, Oliver Twist, A Tale of Two Cities…”

Cashier: “Ohhhhh… Did he also write The Count Of Monte Cristo?”

Me: “What?”

Cashier: “Well, that one’s big, too.”

Me: “Please stop. One, you’re embarrassing yourself, and two, you work in a bookstore; you need to educate yourself.”

They’ll Re-Member This Lesson

, , , , , | Legal | August 11, 2021

When my wife and I were newlyweds, we got an invitation to check out a wholesale club. During the ninety-minute sales pitch, we were told about all the members they had, the monthly cost, the values of the deals, etc. — lots of nice numbers for a numbers guy like me. When the guy telling us about the program stepped away near the end of the whole thing, I had a hushed conversation with my wife. We could see the store area the whole time.

Me: “Okay. The way I figure it, to justify the monthly fees to this club, we’d have to be doing significant shopping here several days a week.”

Wife: “Yeah, I see that.”

Me: “And they say they have [number] members who would all have to be doing the same to even bother having the membership, right?”

Wife: “Um…?”

Me: “Considering their hours and all, we should have seen over eighty shoppers here since we’ve been here. How many have you noticed coming through?”

Wife: “Just two.”

Me: “Yeah, me, too. Their business is just getting people to cough up a monthly fee. I think we’re going to give this opportunity a miss.”

Of course, in retrospect, I suppose that they could have been lying about membership. But since that would be to falsely convince us that it was a good thing to spend money on, it remained a bad thing to join.

A Colorful Wedding For A Colorful Family

, , , , , , , , | Related | August 5, 2021

I never wanted kids, and yet, I fell in love, hard, with a widower who had three children. He was former army, straight-laced, and had a sense of humor. I find it slightly ironic that he fell in love with me with my multi-colored hair, tattoos, and free-lancing job.

We were visiting his mother and talking about our wedding.

His Mother: “I really think you should change your hair before the wedding. It’s only two weeks away and your hair is still blue and pink!”

Future Husband: “No, Mom. I like her hair exactly how it is.”

On the way home, his kids asked if they could dye their hair because they want to look more like a family when we get married. My future husband got a huge grin on his face and made the turn to the hair supply store I use.

Come our wedding day, not only was I sporting blue and pink, but one of the daughters had pink, one had purple, and the boy had bright blue hair… and my future husband’s hair had lime green.

I still smile thinking of how amazing that day was.

This story is part of our end-of-year Feel Good roundup for 2021!

Read the next Feel Good 2021 story!

Read the Feel Good 2021 roundup!

With A Good Reputation, Nothing Can Stop You!

, , , , , | Legal | August 3, 2021

I have worked at a well-known gas station in my small town for nearly ten years. One evening, I take a coworker home and take the back route home. At one point, there is a set of train tracks with a stop sign, and then about twenty yards away is another stop sign for the main road I need to be on. At this time, the stop sign for the train tracks cannot be seen at night because of a rubble pile, but I know it’s there and I always stop anyway.

Tonight, as I roll to a stop, I see police cars where my current street merges with the one I need to take. I think, “Oh. They have a drunk driver pulled over,” but when I pull up to the next stop sign, a female officer motions for me to stop and I realize it’s a sobriety checkpoint.

Me: “Sorry about popping my door open; my window doesn’t roll down.”

Officer: “No, that’s fine. Hey, why did you stop back at the tracks?”

Me: “Uh… there’s a stop sign there. I thought I was supposed to.”

Officer: “That is the best answer I have heard all night! Okay, so, do you have your license and insurance on you?”

Me: “Oh, sure! Just got my new insurance card today, actually!”

I unbuckle and begin to dig for my purse in the backseat of the car. I’ve barely turned in my seat when she speaks again.

Officer: “Hold on. I know you.”

Me: “You do?”

Officer: “Yeah! You’re the girl from [Gas Station] — the one who tells all those great jokes! We love you at the station! Sweetie, you head on. Drive carefully and have a nice night!”

Me: “Oh! Okay, thanks!”

I waved goodbye, got home, and walked into my bedroom… where I saw my wallet containing both my license and my new insurance card sitting on my desk.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of August 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of August 2021 roundup!