Scream And Sugar

, , , , | Right | February 15, 2019

(A customer orders a large coffee, and requests cream and sugar in it, as well as a few cream cups on the side. I go to clarify:)

Me: “So, you wanted cream and sugar inside the coffee, as well as a couple on the side, right?”

Customer: *uppity* “Yeah, I wanted three or four, as well, as the eight inside, as I ordered it.”

Me: “All right, just trying to clarify.”

(I hand her my screen to show her, which has the coffee and two cups on the side.)

Customer: *more demanding* “Um, I said three or four!”

(I return with two more cups.)

Customer: *huffs* “I’m just going to point out that you’d seem less hostile if you smiled more!”

(I did smile, and as she was leaving, I wondered how some people could be so rude over a couple of cups of cream.)

Gun Controlling The Situation

, , , , | Legal Right | February 3, 2019

(Years ago, I played in church orchestra with a guy who occasionally packed a gun. His wife said he’d sometimes plop down on a metal folding chair with a clank from the gun. This guy was also pretty small — maybe 5’4″, 163 cm, tall. One day he is going into a convenience store and the clerk is locking the door as he goes in.)

Friend: “What’s going on?”

Clerk: “Dude back there has been shoplifting. I’ve already called the police.”

(My friend pays for his gas, and about that time the crook has found himself locked in. The shouting with the clerk quickly escalates into a knock-down, drag-out fight. My friend just stands next to the popcorn machine in the store and nibbles a little popcorn and watches the fight like it is a show. In the end, the clerk manages to wallop the guy over the head with a bottle and he goes down. The clerk came to my friend:)

Clerk: “Why didn’t you help me?”

Friend: “Why? You looked like you were doing pretty good.”

Clerk: “Yeah, but if I wasn’t, he was coming after you next.”

Friend: *pulling the pistol from his pocket* “No, he wasn’t.”

Clerk: *shocked* “You got a license for that thing?”

Friend: “Nope.”

Clerk: *unlocking the door* “Get out of here before the cops get here!”

(I love crazy people.)

Also Allergic To Crazy Strangers

, , , , , | Friendly | January 31, 2019

(My family and I go out to do some holiday shopping at the mall. My husband decides we need to split up, so he goes one way, and our six-year-old son and I go another. As we’re walking, a young lady attempts to hand him a peppermint candy cane, which I gently decline.)

Me: “Sorry, we just found out he’s allergic to most red candies.”

Candy Cane Lady: “Oh, that’s okay. Let me—“

(Another woman has obviously overhead, and storms over.)

Other Customer: “That’s bulls***! You’re just saying that so you can have his candy!” *snatches a cane and attempts to shove it into my son’s hands, resulting in him hiding behind me*

Me: *pushing him further behind me* “Ma’am, get the f*** away from my kid.”

Other Customer: “You’re a horrible parent! Not letting your child have a candy cane! He’s not allergic! Nobody’s allergic to candy!”

Me: *backing up so my son is standing in the doorway of a store, with me between them* “Ma’am, if you don’t back the h*** off, I will defend my child.”

(Apparently, through this ordeal, the lady with the canes has been calling mall security, who finally show up and escort the aggressive lady away, still yelling about “fake allergies.” I explain to the officer what was happening, and, as per his script, he gives me a warning before walking away.)

Candy Cane Lady: “Some people, huh? Let me see if I’ve got some spearmint left for this brave little man.”

(He got two and gave one to his daddy!)

“How Many” Times Have They Heard That Before

, , , | Right | January 30, 2019

(I want to try on some pairs of pants, so I head to the changing rooms. I like to have a little fun with the employees, since I know the day can get dull.)

Me: “Hi. Do you have a changing room available?”

Clerk: “How many?”

Me: “Just me.”

(She has a deer-in-the-headlights look, as she has no clue what to say or do. I let her off the hook.)

Me: “I have three to try on.”

(I talked to her afterward. She was quite nice, but, as I suspected, a little frazzled from a long day and glad to have a cheerful shopper.)

Jesus Is Watching Your Ugly A**

, , , , , , | Learning | January 25, 2019

Our church had to move due to renovations and our new chapel does not have enough classrooms. My brother and I were in our confirmation class, sitting up on the stage, near a crucified Jesus.

We were talking about the deadly sins, envy specifically. Our head teacher and his assistant were acting out two women walking by each other. When we discussed how women actually judge each other, our teacher accidentally said, “She has some ugly a**…” and stopped himself in immediate horror, turning to look at Jesus with a horrified expression. Immediately after he said it, the whole class burst into laughter.

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