Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | May 21, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank] credit card services. Can I have your name, please?”

Caller: “You need to turn my d*** speakerphone on before I can talk, so I can hear you across the room!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t turn your speakerphone on for you. You have to do that yourself.”

Caller: “All the other f****** banks can turn it on for me! What do you mean you can’t?!”

Me: “Sir, nobody has the ability to turn on your speakerphone for you, except for you.”

Caller: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t reach through the phone and push the speakerphone button for you. It’s physically impossible. You have to do it yourself.”

Caller: “What the h*** do you mean you won’t push the button for me?! Are you saying you’re not going to come push my buttons?! Where the h*** are you located?!

Me: “Central Oklahoma, sir. You have to push your own buttons.”

*long silence*

Me: “Anything else I can help you with, sir?”

Caller: “You’re too far to push my buttons anyways.” *hangs up*


This story is part of our Lazy Customers roundup!

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Ben There, Done That

, , | Right | April 19, 2011

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, ma’am. My name is Ben. I’m calling to tell you about our special offer that–”

Customer: “Who is this?”

Me: “Ben, ma’am.”

Customer: “Ben? Hey, everyone, Ben is on the phone. Ben, are you still having dinner with us tonight?”

Me: “I think you mean a different Ben, ma’am. I’m a telemarketer.”

Customer: “So you’re not in California?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m in Oklahoma.”

Customer: “Well, okay. I’ve got to keep the line clear for the right Ben.”

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When Intelligence Is Tempered

, , | Right | March 22, 2011

(I am talking to a customer about vaccines for dogs.)

Me: “The normal shots we give annually are distemper, parvo, rabies, and bordatella.”

Customer: “Okay. I wanted to be sure the distemper shot was part of it. My dog needs that.”

Me: “Okay. Would you like me to make an appointment for you?”

Customer: “Sure. Now, how long after the distemper shot will it take effect?”

Me: “What do you mean, take effect?”

Customer: “How long until my dog is nicer?”


This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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Full-On Fraud Fail

, , , , , | Right | February 7, 2011

Customer: “I need to cash my paycheck, please.”

Me: “Okay, may I see your ID?”

Customer: “Sure!”

Me: “Sir, this check hasn’t been signed.”

Customer: “What? Oh, I see. Hang on a second.”

(The customer signs the check in front of me with great flourish and hands it back.)

Me: “You know I can’t cash this for you, right?”

Customer: “Why not?  It’s signed!”

Me: “Sir, this is a check from [Employer]. We cash about half of their payroll checks every pay period. One, it’s not their payday. Two, this isn’t their logo. Three, this isn’t their bank. Four, you just forged a signature in front of me, on camera.”

Customer: “It’s a good check!”

Me: “Well, I’m sure the officer standing in line behind you would love to hear all about it. Did I also mention that we cash payroll checks from The City, too?”


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This Spells Disaster

, , , , , | Right | December 23, 2010

Customer: “Can you help me find a movie? Your system confuses me.”

Me: “The alphabet?”

Customer: “Yeah.”


This story is part of the More-Extra-Stupid-Customers roundup!

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