Our church had to move due to renovations and our new chapel does not have enough classrooms. My brother and I were in our confirmation class, sitting up on the stage, near a crucified Jesus.

We were talking about the deadly sins, envy specifically. Our head teacher and his assistant were acting out two women walking by each other. When we discussed how women actually judge each other, our teacher accidentally said, “She has some ugly a**…” and stopped himself in immediate horror, turning to look at Jesus with a horrified expression. Immediately after he said it, the whole class burst into laughter.

(I’m the goof in this story. Earlier this year, my brother died. He had lived on the other side of the state. The rest of the family made plans to come to town a few weeks later for a memorial service. My kids and I planned to drive over and meet them. Since it is over a three-hour drive away, we plan to stay the night and then go to a park nearby the next day. I make hotel arrangements that actually include park entry. Since they are discounted, they are nonrefundable. My family also texts me with different information to pass on to the funeral home. On the day of the service, I go to pick up my daughter early from school. My other daughter is already with me. Unfortunately, one daughter misjudges a step and falls badly on her knee, causing clear and serious damage. We drive straight to the hospital. While in the waiting room, I make a flurry of phone calls to let people know we’ll miss the service. My last call is to the hotel. I scroll through my phone and press the number with the proper area code, assuming it is the hotel. It is a bit noisy in the waiting room, so I do not hear what is said when they answer.)

Me: “Hello. I have reservations for today, but we’ve had a bit of an emergency. Is there any way I can reschedule for next month?”

Voice On Phone: “What?”

Me: “My daughter has dislocated her kneecap, so won’t be able to walk. Can we reschedule?”

Voice On Phone: “Who are you calling?”

Me: “[Hotel]?”

Voice On Phone: “You’ve reached the funeral home.”

Me: “Oops! Rescheduling with you would be a bad idea.”

(I did laugh, which caused a lot of odd stares in the waiting room. What must the funeral home have thought?! I should post on Not Always Hopeless that once I did call the right number, the hotel was incredibly kind and moved our reservation for us at no additional cost. We got there for my daughter’s birthday, and with her knee brace on, she played all day.)

(My boyfriend has taken a liking to a European candy that randomly showed up in our local grocery store, but once they run out of the first shipment they never seem to restock. We find the same candy at another branch of the store, but the packaging seems much smaller than the ones we got before.)

Boyfriend: “Huh, these only come in fours; the ones we got before were in eights.”

Me: “Maybe we accidentally had two stuck together last time and didn’t realize.”

Boyfriend: “That couldn’t be it. The alarms would have gone off, then, wouldn’t they?”

Me: *looking at him quizzically* “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, if you don’t scan the barcode, then the alarms by the doors will detect it and go off, right?”

Me: *fighting down laughter* “That… that’s not… those sensors detect the electronic tags they put on expensive items, not barcodes!”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “How would it detect a barcode through your bags? Even the checkouts can’t do that!”

Boyfriend: “So… Wait, what keeps people from stealing the stuff without tags?!”

Me: “Cameras and common decency!”

(I swear my boyfriend is normally very smart, but I was reminded very strongly that day that he has never in his life worked retail.)

(It is right at the end of my shift as manager on duty at a hotel. It’s been a night that I could tell a lot of stories about, but I’ll just settle for the absolute most ridiculous complaint I’ve ever fielded. My front desk agent comes to the back to get me.)

Agent: “[My Name]? There’s a lady at the front desk who wants to talk to you about our ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs.”

Me: “Okay. Was she missing hers?”

Agent: “No… Seriously, you’ll have to talk to her. She’s freaking crazy.”

(I go out to find a woman standing at the front desk with a DND sign in her hand, with a couple of friends. It’s worth noting that some of our DNDs have cutesy sayings on them just to break up the monotony of “do not disturb.”)

Me: “Hello! What can I help you with tonight?”

Guest: “Well, I just wanted to tell you that THIS—“ *holds up a DND reading “Busy Constructing a Pillow Fort”* “—is just unacceptable!”

Me: *assuming she thinks it’s too unserious* “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am. I—“

Guest: “I showed this to my friends and we all agree — a pillow fort means an erection, and that is just so inappropriate!”

(She rambles on for a while about this, which is good because I need a moment to process what I just heard.)

Me: *when she finally stops for breath* “Ma’am, I assure you it’s not meant to be anything like that. It’s… you know… like when little kids stack pillows to make a little cave…”

Guest: “Well, no kids should be putting out Do Not Disturb signs!”

Me: “No… but their parents are…”

Guest: “Well, I want you to inform your corporate office about this! It’s just vulgar!”

Me: “Um… I’ll do that, ma’am. I can provide you with a different sign if you’d like.”

Guest: “Oh, this isn’t mine. My friend saw it on a door and took it to ask us what it meant.”

Me: “Wait. You took a do not disturb sign off of another guest’s door?!”

Guest: “Yes.”

(This is bad; we take DNDs very seriously and it’s a real issue if a guest who didn’t want to be bothered gets walked in on by housekeeping.)

Me: “What room is it from?!”

Guest: “I don’t know! It shouldn’t be up, anyway!”

(She then handed me the sign and left. So, now, I get two angry guests for the price of one, just because this woman couldn’t take responsibility for her own dirty mind!)

(I answer the phone at work and go through my normal spiel. The caller wants Accounts Payable.)

Me: “Sure. May I tell her who’s calling?”

Caller: “Yes.”

(Silence for a few seconds on from both of us. I’m about to repeat myself when…)

Caller: “Tell me when you’re ready.”

(Lady, I was ready when I asked the question!)