They’re Actually Allergic To Self-Control

, , , , , | Healthy | March 5, 2018

(I work at an eye institute. One day, my coworker tells me about the following exchange.)

Coworker: “Do you have any allergies?”

Patient: “I’m allergic to whiskey.”

Coworker: “Okay… What kind of reaction did it give you?”

Patient: *completely serious* “It made me throw up.”

Coworker: “…”

Prepaid Dissuade

, , , , | Right | February 28, 2018

(Unfortunately, this actually happens daily, and more that we’d like to admit.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, just send it back via USPS using the prepaid and self-addressed envelope that we sent you.”

Caller: “So, do I have to pay for it? I don’t want to pay for it. And is the address there?”

Me: *facepalms*

(And so sets the mood for the rest of the day.)

Karma Is A Dish Best Served As A Casserole

, , , , | Working | February 16, 2018

(I’m shopping in one of the local thrift stores, not really looking for anything specific, just killing time. In the very long aisle that holds kitchen and glassware, I see a nice casserole dish on the top shelf. I’m six feet tall so this is easily within my reach. As I go for it, I hear a sharp voice behind me.)

Employee: “Can’t you read the sign? It says, ‘Ask for assistance for items on the top shelf.’”

Me: “Okay, sure. I can reach it, though.”

(This man might be 5’6″, but I doubt it.)

Employee: “No, you can’t! I’ll get the ladder.”

(He walks to the end of the aisle, mumbling, and returns with a folding step stool. He makes a big deal out of unfolding it, positioning it, and then climbing onto the first step. On this step, he is still shorter than me. He does not step up to the next, larger step.)

Employee: “What is it you want up here?”

Me: “The blue casserole dish.”

(He reaches for it and knocks over a vase. He pulls the dish down, knocking over another glass item, which rolls right off the shelf and smashes onto the floor. He thrusts the dish at me.)

Employee: “I hope you’re happy.”

Me: “Oh, it has a nick in it. Never mind.”

(I set it back on the top shelf and walked away.)

Valentine’s Day Is Not As Confusing As Valentine’s Night

, , , , , , | Working | February 14, 2018

(My manager and I are talking about projected business levels while a coworker putters around. Note that this coworker is a great guy, but can be a little adorably clueless sometimes.)

Manager: “Hmm… Valentine’s isn’t too busy yet, but we get a lot of walk-ins usually, don’t we?”

Me: “Yeah, lots of people come in looking for last-minute bookings.”

Coworker: *incredulously* “Really? Why?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I mean, why get a hotel room on Valentine’s? There’s nothing here to do!”

Me: “Yeah, there definitely is.”

Coworker: “Like what?”

Me: “We’ll tell you when you’re older, [Coworker].”

(My manager cracked up laughing. It should be noted that my coworker is a man in his twenties.)

Has No Reservations About Bribery

, , , | Right | February 12, 2018

(I am working the front desk on one of our busiest nights of the year. Predictably, we are entirely sold out. A guest comes to the desk:)

Guest: “I’m here to check in.”

Me: “Yes, sir. What was your last name?”

Guest: “Oh, I don’t have a reservation.”

Me: “Oh, I’m very sorry, sir, but we are entirely sold out tonight.”

Guest: “What? You don’t have any rooms at all?

Me: “No, sir. I’m afraid not.”

Guest: “Oh… That’s a shaaaame…”

(The guest then pulls out a wad of bills and starts thumbing through them very deliberately while giving me meaningful looks. This is actually a tactic people try to pull fairly often, and it pisses me off every time that someone thinks I’ll be willing to throw another guest out on their ear just because they flashed some cash at me.)

Guest: “Are you suuuuuure?”

Me: *flatly* “Yes. We are sold out. No rooms.”

Guest: “Reeeeally?”

Me: “Really. Excuse me; I have to check in the person behind you. You might check around, but most places are probably booked tonight.”

(The guest lingered in the lobby, trying to catch my eye while his girlfriend pouted behind him. Finally, they both left huffily. Sorry. My integrity has a higher price tag than you can afford, buddy.)

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