Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “So, like, I poured coffee on my keyboard, then put it on my radiator to dry it out, then ran it through the dishwasher, then through the dryer, but now when I type it does funny things. Do you think the coffee could have ruined it?”

(I have to place the customer on mute to laugh for a moment while he elaborates on his story.)

Me: “Yes, sir, it does sound like your keyboard has physical damage and will need to be replaced.”

Me: “Thanks for calling [Law Firm]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering. Is there any precedent with custody cases involving Satanic vampire covens?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Satanic vampire covens.”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know.”

Customer: “Well, I’m looking to get custody of my child from my ex-wife because she’s recently joined a Satanic vampire coven. I have photographic evidence of her wearing ceremonial robes and drinking human blood. Is there anything I can do?”

Me: “I’m not sure. Let me go ask someone.”

Customer: “Ah, never mind. I’ll just figure it out myself.” *click*

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Me: “Hello. How are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’m alive.”

Me: “That’s good. Find everything okay today?”

Customer: “Yeah. Because if I wasn’t alive, I’d be dead. Or a zombie.”

Me: “I guess you would.”

Customer: “Do you like zombies?”

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Customer: “Can you help me find a movie? Your system confuses me.”

Me: “The alphabet?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

This story is part of the More-Extra-Stupid-Customers roundup!

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