(I work for a pizza place, and my boss is a HUGE flirt, but he never actually approaches girls he finds attractive. Instead, he tells me. In this instance, he’s talking to me about a girl I just interviewed, who was very nice, but just didn’t seem like a good fit.)

Boss: “Hey, [My Name]. You’re going to hire her, right?”

Me: “Oh, I don’t know. She didn’t really impress me. I think she might be too inexperienced.”

Boss: “I think you should. She’s hot!”

Me: “Um… [Boss], you’re engaged.”

Boss: “Hey, I’m allowed to appreciate!”

Me: “Okay, while I respect that you said, ‘appreciate,’ and not just, ‘I can look,’ I should probably let you know… she’s 16.”

Boss: *gets a deer-in-headlights look, as he is 27* “Uh… Yeah… Um…” *pauses* “This conversation never happened.”

(A female customer orders three six-foot-long boards. When she leaves, she looks happy with her purchase. She returns around an hour later, very angry, hitting her boards across the doorway.)

Customer: “DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO MEASURE PROPERLY, DUMBA**?”

Me: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I ordered three six-foot-long boards for my shelving, not three twelve-foot-long boards! I want a d*** refund and my new boards free!”

(I look at the boards. There is no way they could be twelve feet long.)

Me: “These look like they’re the correct length.”

Customer: “NO, THEY’RE NOT, YOU LITTLE S***. LOOK!”

(She pulls out a smartphone and opens a photo of a ruler in her gallery. She slides the phone across the board, counting.)

Customer: “SEE? SEE? IT’S DOUBLE WHAT I ASKED FOR!”

Me: “…”

Our local farm-style restaurant just underwent a remodel. While they were closed during the work they lost quite a few experienced cooks and servers; with no pay, the workers couldn’t afford to wait for the reopen. After the restaurant did reopen, we witnessed multiple mistakes. Here is what happened one evening:

Twenty minutes after ordering two soups online, I went into town to pick them up. I had to wait at the restaurant over 40 minutes because they had to defrost more soup. So, it took them more than an hour to microwave frozen soup. Yes, they defrost with a microwave.

While waiting for the soup, I overhead a server relaying a customer complaint. The manager’s response was, “Are they regulars? Because if they’re not regulars, f*** them!”

(Having gotten extremely irritated by scam callers, I’ve worked out schemes to get them to hang up.)

Scammer: *with a very heavy accent* “Hello. This is Paul—”

Me: “PAUL! You were supposed to be here half an hour ago! How am I supposed to move this body by myself?”

Scammer: *short stunned silence before a click and dial-tone*

(I work for a company that provides technical support for outdoor power equipment. This conversation is with a woman who has a riding lawnmower, and wants to know why it caught fire after she added oil to it.)

Customer: “Why the hell would my mower catch fire?! You have s***ty equipment. How dare you sell something so dangerous to people?! We paid over $1,500 for this piece of s***. Now, figure out what’s wrong, and get me a brand-new g**d*** mower that won’t blow the f*** up!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’m sorry this happened. I’ve honestly never heard of this happening before! Could you tell me the location you added oil to, and how much oil?”

Customer: “I added it in the little hole that had a cap that said oil! And I added the whole bottle!”

Me: “Okay, this model holds almost a gallon of oil. It shouldn’t have spilled over or caught fire. Do you know the type of oil you added? It could be pertinent to the incident ticket I have to file for your claim. Again, I’m sorry this happened, but I can get you squared away quickly.”

Customer: “I used regular oil! I always have a few bottles in my cupboard! My husband normally does these things, but I had it on hand and it was easy enough!”

Me: *wondering who keeps motor oil in a cupboard* “Ma’am, what brand of oil was it?”

Customer: “I don’t see how that matters. It was just regular, store-brand vegetable oil! Just send this stupid thing in so I can get on with my life!”

Me: “Um… Ma’am, are you saying you added cooking oil to your gas-powered, engine-powered riding mower?”

Customer: “Well, yes, obviously! Oil is oil, isn’t it!? Now, what are you going to do about this?! It hasn’t even been used! Do something to get me a new one that works and isn’t s***!”

Me: “Ma’am… I’m truly sorry to tell you, but we cannot assist you. You have voided the warranty on the product. Adding vegetable oil is not acceptable for an engine. It runs on engine oil. I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t submit this ticket. It’s not a product defect.”

Customer: “Yes, it is! Engine oil, vegetable oil, rabbit oil! What’s the difference? It’s all the same! You companies just want more money out of us hard-working folks! Submit it now!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I cannot. I’m sorry. There’s a very large difference between vegetable and engine oil — mainly that adding vegetable oil will set fire to your engine. That’s not an approved substance. This is not a manufacture defect, nor product defect.”

(At this point my supervisor is behind me, staring at me, has heard everything, and is trying not to laugh or cry at the idiocy of this woman.)

Customer: “Well, what kind of defect is it, then?! I demand you submit a ticket.”

(My supervisor signals me to tell her a specific error we use in customer service, but never say to a customer. So, I take the chance.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, I hate to tell you, but unfortunately, this is an ID10T error. It’s not something we’re responsible for.”

Customer: “What does that mean?! Actually, I don’t give a s***! Get me a f****** mower. I know you’re stupider than rocks, but this isn’t complicated. You got your d*** info. When can I get my refund or new mower?!”

Me: “Ma’am, you won’t. You added cooking oil to an engine-driven product. That voids any and all warranties. It is customer error, and there is absolutely nothing I can do for you. Now, I am sorry this happened, but the most I can offer you is a new engine with a 10% discount on it, or a new mower with a 15% discount. Both those offers end when this call ends. But I will ask you to be respectful to me, or I will not continue this call.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! No. A thousand times no. I want a new f****** mower! I’ll call my lawyer, you stupid b****!”

Me: “Ma’am, you have been warned. You’ve been abusive since the start of the call. It is not our fault that you wrongly decided cooking oil and engine oil were the same and added the wrong one to your machine. It is yours. I know for a fact that the oil cap has an imprint of the acceptable oil type. You chose to ignore it. Good luck with your mower, and good day.” *ends call*

Supervisor: “There’s no way what I think happened really happened.”