(I’m a police officer. One of my duties is patrolling the rest areas on the turnpike where I am often flagged down to answer questions. I am sitting by my car when a woman pulls up next to me and motions at me.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, can I help you with something?”

Woman: “Yeah! How far is [Shopping Center] from here?”

(This is an extremely popular shopping center that has signs every mile with arrows pointing the way and saying how many miles left.)

Me: “Just about ten miles that way. Just stay on this road; you can’t miss it.”

Woman: “Great, but how far away is it?”

Me: “Just as I said, ma’am, ten miles that way.” *points in the direction she needs to go*

Woman: *aggravated sigh* “I just want to know how far away it is from here. How hard is that for you to understand?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what else to tell you, as I already told you twice, so I don’t–”

(The backseat passenger window rolls down and the meek little voice of the woman’s six- or seven-year-old daughter cuts me off.)

Daughter: “I’m sorry my mommy confused you, officer. She wants to know how long it will take for us to get there.”

Woman: “Yes, what she said.”

Me: “Oh, no worries, ma’am. It’s only five minutes away. Just pull out of here and turn right, drive for about five minutes, and you’ll see it on your right; you can’t miss it.”

I’m an RN who previously worked in a hospital unit where we dealt with concussions. This is the best thing I’ve ever written in a patient’s chart:

“Patient educated on not riding with chainsaw in the uplifted bucket of the Bobcat.”

(I see a very lost- and confused-looking lady approaching other customers at random, most of whom walk away from her in a hurry. I catch up to her in the toy department and ask if I can help her with anything.)

Customer: “Oh, yes, finally! I’m just looking for charcoal lighter fluid. I thought it would be over here.”

Me: “Our lighter fluid is in the garden center. You’ll see it there, next to the grills, as soon as you walk in.”

Customer: “Well, why isn’t here? I think it should be here. It’s in garden? That makes no sense; I don’t understand.”

Me: “Well, no, this is the toy department, we don’t keep lighter fluid here!”

Customer: “But why? I don’t understand why it isn’t over here. Why isn’t it here?”

Me: “Because you definitely don’t want kids playing with lighter fluid! It’s in the garden center, I’ll show you where it is.”

Customer: “Oh, no. I know it’s not out there. I’m sure it’s here in this area somewhere; I’ll keep looking.”

(And with that, she wandered off, mumbling about how she “didn’t understand” why we don’t keep lighter fluid in the toy department.)

This happened in my junior life science class. The teacher was young and good looking but completely socially awkward and odd. He often laughed at his own jokes that really weren’t funny. One class in particular sticks in my head as the weirdest thing I ever witnessed.

We were studying the reproductive practices of different animals, sea turtles specifically on this day. Instead of just explaining it,  the teacher decided to do a… demonstration.

He proceeded to put a large cardboard box on his back to look like a turtle, placed a small container with sand in the back of the class — right next to my chair — and lay “eggs” to bury in the sand.

By eggs, I mean golf balls, which he placed between his legs and dropped into the sand to simulate laying eggs. Unfortunately for me, I was right in the view of his backside. It was the most awkward thing to ever happen to me in a class, and I about fell out of my chair, exclaiming, “OH, MY GOD!”

However, to this day, I do still remember exactly how sea turtles reproduce, so I guess his method worked?

(My brother has a wicked sense of humor and loves to troll people. He never means any real harm by it, but not everyone knows how to handle it. Our mother has been forced to learn from experience. We’re shopping with our mother and my fourteen-year-old brother. This is also during an era when there was a string of commercials on television about what children should do if a stranger tries to take them from a store.  On this particular day my brother has been bored and is dragging his feet.)

Mother: *to brother* “Will you come on already? We’re almost done.” *tugs on his arm at this point*

Brother: *throws himself to the floor* “THIS ISN’T MY MOMMY!”

(Everyone around us stops to stare. I expect my mother tear into him, but instead, she stays completely calm.)

Mom: “Well, if I’m not your mother, I guess I don’t have to give you a ride home or feed you any of this.”

Brother: *sheepishly gets to his feet*  

(He did not try that one again.)