I work in the produce section of a grocery store. It’s Christmas Eve, and I’ve spent most of my shift restocking cranberries, potatoes, green beans, and other holiday dinner essentials.

A woman comes up as I unload another case of cranberries.

Customer: “Oh, thank you! What time will you be open tomorrow? I might have to come by before I head out of town if I can’t find everything now.”

Me: “Actually, Christmas Day is the only day out of the year we are closed all day! If you don’t see something on the floor, I can check in the back for you.”

Customer: “Closed? What do you mean? What if I forget something?”

Me: “Well, [Store] wants to make sure we have time to spend with our families. I know [Convenience Store] around the corner will be open, though.”

The woman laughs.

Customer: “You guys don’t actually have families! I’ll just ask someone else.”

I stare after her as she walks away. Another customer, who heard the comment, comes by.

Customer #2: “She’s either dumber than a rock or too out of touch with reality. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas!”

My mother-in-law has difficulty walking or standing for long. A few days ago, I took her shopping. 

Being close to Christmas, the parking lot was nearly full. Every space for those with disabilities was occupied. I had to drop Mom at the door and head off to the farthest corner of the lot.

Inside, I zipped around the store getting most of her items while she chose the more personal things. We met at the checkout.

Lines were long. Shoppers were impatient. When I was distracted asking if Mom needed to sit down, a woman slid into line ahead of us, cutting two other people in the process.

We all stared in disbelief. Before any of us could do anything, a manager who had seen everything went to whisper to a cashier who was closing her register. The cashier nodded and called out:

Cashier: “I can take three more over here!”

We all were served before the line cutter made it to the conveyor belt of the original register.

I’m taking that manager cookies tomorrow!

I’m in the emergency room being checked out for some extreme pain. They’re going over some medical history questions, and we come to the “Are you pregnant?” section.

Doctor: “Any chance you’re pregnant?”

Me: “Nope.”

Doctor: “Completely sure?”

Me: “I haven’t had sex in five years, my tubes are tied, and I have an IUD. If I’m pregnant at this point, it’s the will of God.”

Doctor: “…but are you sure?”

They ran a pregnancy test anyway. To nobody’s surprise, it came back negative.

A while back, my parents moved into a new home with fancy features like a security system and a garage door app that said when the doors opened and closed. They had a problem with the doors randomly opening and closing. My mom had the following phone conversation with tech support, which she relayed to me afterward.

Mom: “Hi. I’m having an issue where my garage doors are opening and closing when nobody is home. The app is sending me a lot of notifications, and I can see them on the cameras, as well. Can you check into this?”

Support Lady: “Hmm… that’s odd. I’m not seeing any issues with the doors on our end. Are you sure nobody’s pressing the button?”

Mom: “Yes, I’m sure. There are security cameras outside and inside the garage. They would show if someone pressed the button.”

Support Lady: “All right, well, perhaps it’s because the buttons are too close together. Can you move the buttons further apart?”

Mom: “The buttons are on either side of the garage doors. It’s a brand-new house, and they were installed that way. There’s nowhere further apart to put them.”

Support Lady: “Well, if you can’t move the buttons, uh, let me see… Ah! Ma’am, I think I’ve found the problem.”

Mom: “Great! What is it?”

Support Lady: *Excited* “I think there are tarantulas in your wires! Yes, they must be chewing on the wires, which would cause the doors to open and close.”

There were moments of silence while Mom processed this.

Mom: “I’m sorry, tarantulas? In the wires?”

Support Lady: “Yes, they can live in the wires and chew them to try to get out, and this causes the doors to open and close.”

Mom: “I don’t think you understand what a tarantula is, or maybe what a wire is. Also, I’m in Ohio! There are definitely not tarantulas in my wires.”

Support Lady: *Disappointed* “Oh. Well, I don’t know what the problem is, then. Sorry.”

Mom hung up in disbelief. The door problem did eventually get fixed, although I don’t remember what the real solution was. We still laugh about the tarantulas living in the wires.

I have my mom’s small, deep veins. I still try to donate blood and plasma if I can, and I’ve had some ongoing health concerns for years. I’ve gotten very used to being turned into a pincushion whenever I need blood drawn. Usually, the techs get the vein after a few attempts, but it’s not uncommon for me to be in pain and/or bruised following bloodwork. Remarkably, I have yet to faint or develop a phobia.

I have some lab work scheduled and need a blood draw. I offer the arm I’ve been told is better, look away, and start taking deep breaths. I’m focused on breathing, but eventually, I realize I don’t feel anything, so I look over at the nurse. She’s wrapping my arm and has the filled vial next to her!

Me: *Incredulously* “How’d you do that?! I’m used to people sticking me a bunch of times!”

Nurse: *Without missing a beat* “That’s ‘cause they suck.”