Driving Himself To Jail

, , , , , | Right | June 17, 2017

(I am in line at the DMV getting my new tags for 2015.)

Customer: “I would like to renew my driver’s license, please.”

Lady: “Sure, just let me see your card.”

(The man hands her his license and she enters some numbers into the computer.)

Lady: “Sir, your license expired in 1998. Have you been driving with it since then?”

Customer: “Wait, they expire? I though you just had to get a new picture! Well, what are you going to do, arrest me?”

(A police officer steps out of line.)

Officer: “Yes, as a matter of fact, I will arrest you for driving without a valid license.”

(The officer arrested the man and took him off to his car and drove away.)

A Clean Death

, , , , | Right | June 13, 2017

(I’m stocking when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, this is going to sound stupid, but you know how there are cleaners with ammonia in them? Can you buy just the ammonia and do you sell it?”

Me: “You absolutely can and we absolutely do.”

(I take her to chemicals and point out the ammonia.)

Customer: “Oh, thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome.” *joking while laughing* “Just don’t mix it with bleach.”

Customer: *looks at me wide eyed* “Why?”

Me: “Because you’ll create mustard gas and it will kill you.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(She stood there looking at the ammonia and I walked to the next aisle. Two seconds later she left without buying anything.)

Containing This Monkey Business

, , , , | Right | June 13, 2017

(I work in the front office of a local appliance company. On this particular day I’m busy with something at my desk when in my peripheral vision I see a customer walk by wheeling something in front of him. Since he is heading in the direction of our service department I just assume he is pushing something on a dolly to be looked at. I don’t think anything of it. A few minutes later we hear a strange noise like an animal chattering.)

Coworker: “What was that?”

Me: “If someone brought a bird in here, I’m leaving. I hate birds.”

Coworker: “Maybe it was the wheels of that guy’s cart squeaking against the floor.”

(I remember a story one of my other coworkers had told me about an animal someone had brought in once before, but I wasn’t ready to believe it would happen again. That is, until the man with the cart walks by again and I see that he isn’t pushing an appliance on a dolly, he is wandering back and forth through the store with a cage containing two monkeys.)

Me: “He’s got a monkey!”

Coworker: “Oh, man, the monkey lady is back.”

(The man left the store a moment later with the monkeys and shortly following, the lady in question came up to pay for her order. When she left the owner came out of his office.)

Owner: “Last time she had the thing sitting on her shoulder. Which was fine until it jumped onto another customer’s back. Fortunately they didn’t mind but if it had been someone else we could’ve been in real trouble.”

Coworker: “And when she came to pay last time it was picking up pens off the counter and throwing them while she laughed and said ‘you’re a naughty little monkey!’”

Owner: “So we told her if she ever brought it back with her it had to be contained. She kept asking why, like she couldn’t understand that a lot of people don’t like monkeys.”

(At least she did end up listening!)

Idiot, Name Thyself

, , , , , | Right | June 8, 2017

(A few days after Christmas, I come down with a flu bug that is going around, so I go to the after-hours clinic in our local city. When we arrive, there is at least a two-hour wait, so I sit patiently waiting my turn. About an hour in, one of the nurses comes out, and the following occurs:)

Nurse: “[Woman]?”

(She looks around the waiting room, and then into the hallway, calling her name a few times, then back into the office. Ten minutes later, after three other patients have gone back.)

Nurse: “[Woman]?”

(She looks around again in the waiting room and into the hallway, obviously getting frustrated, then back into the office. Ten more minutes pass, and more patients are escorted into the office. About this time, a very nicely dressed woman steps up to the nurse’s station asking how much longer of a wait she will have. The nurse behind the desk is looking at the list when another nurse comes out calling another patient’s name, and when they don’t answer, the nurse behind the desk points to the woman standing in front of her.)

Nurse: “[Woman]?”

Woman: *rudely* “No, my name is [Other Name], but my given name is [Woman]. I just choose not to answer to it.”

(The nurses inwardly face-palmed, and the patients in the waiting room burst out laughing.)

Don’t Let The Bad Customers Bite

, , , , , , | Right | June 8, 2017

(I work for a “heavy haulers” trash company. We pick up the big stuff the normal guys can’t, like furniture, dressers, and more. In our area there’s a bad bed-bug epidemic, so everyone is required to at least double-wrap the furniture. A woman calls us asking for a date to pick up a couch.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. What do you need?”

Caller: “I’ve got a couch I need to throw away. When can you get it?”

Me: Our next pick up date is Wednesday. All furniture must be at least double-wrapped or we will not take it.”

Caller: “Why?”

Me: “There is a bed bug epidemic in our area and we have to be careful.”

Caller: “But I don’t have bed bugs.”

Me: “That doesn’t matter if you do or don’t. Regulation says all furniture must be double-wrapped”

Caller: “This is bullshit! You’re making me pay extra for wrap for no reason!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but all furniture must be double-wrapped.”

Caller: But I don’t have f****** bed bugs!”

Me: That doesn’t matter. All furniture must be double-wrapped, or we can’t take it. No exceptions.”

Caller: *enraged* “WHAT? YOU THINK I LIVE IN SOME F****** PIG STY?”

Me: “I never said that ma’am, I’m sure you have a lovely home. But as per order all furniture must be double-wrapped.”

(She nearly slammed her phone down, judging from what I heard after ending the conversation with a reluctant “Fine!” and her address. When we went to collect the couch from her alley we saw a wrapping job that looked like she had a seizure when doing it. And while putting it on the truck my partner saw three bed bugs under the wrapper.)

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