(A customer walks in to the service desk.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous!”

Me: “Is there something that I can help you with?”

Customer: “That car in your parking lot has been sitting there for over a week and has not been moved! Shouldn’t you guys do something about that? I live across the street and I am absolutely sick of looking at it!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it is broken down and we have informed the Sheriff’s department about it. It will be towed if they cannot contact the owner.”

Customer: “Well, that is absolutely the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Cars that have nothing to do with the store should not be parked here! I am so angry! Where are my dinner guests going to park now?!”

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(I work the register and a young customer puts her stuff onto the belt.)

Me: “How are you doing today?”

Customer: “Good, just buying stuff for my culinary class.”

(I notice she has cooking wine, which requires a person to be 21 to buy.)

Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “You have to be 21 to purchase the cooking wine.”

Customer: “You mean cooking wine is actually wine?”

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(The customer orders a large mix of cake batter and chocolate ice creams, with cookie dough mixed in.)

Customer: “Do you know how many calories are in this?”

Me: “I don’t know. Probably over 1000.”

Customer: “Oh, God, you’re kidding, right? Please tell me you’re kidding. I’m on a diet and I can’t have anything over 100 calories.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that.”

Customer: “I feel horrible about myself. I’m going to get fat. Please, tell me it’s under 100 calories.”

Me: “Okay. It’s 95.”

Customer: *instantly perks up* “Really? I can’t believe this whole thing is only 95 calories! I feel great about myself now!”

(The customer skips off and goes to her girlfriends, bragging about how she’s sticking to her diet.)

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(A number comes across the screen with the same area code as my hometown.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you could give me the number for the store in [Town #1]? I live over in [Town #2].”

Me: “Sure thing. So, you live in [Town #2]? I grew up there. I just graduated in ’06.”

Customer: “Oh, wow! What a small world! I graduated in ’82.”

Me: “That’s awesome. Okay, that number is [number].”

Customer: “Thanks! Wow, 1906… that’s incredible.”

Me: “Um, I graduated in 2006, not 1906.”

Customer: “Oh, no wonder you sound so young!”

Me: “Hello, Men’s Department. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Men’s? I wanted Small Appliances!”

Me: “Well, my phone is actually the closest to that department. We don’t have a phone or cash register in that section since it is small. So. I handle that department, too.”

Caller: “I want the Small Appliances Department!”

Me: “Sir, there is no phone for that department and I can easily help you with any questions you have.”

(He hangs up and immediately calls back.)

Me: “Hello, Men’s. How may I help you today?”

Same Caller: “Great, it’s you again. Well, fine… Tell how much [a blender] is.”

Me: “Well, since you don’t know the product code I will need to walk over to check the price myself. It will only take a few minutes.”

Caller: “That’s bull-s***!”

(He hangs up and immediately calls back. We run through the same thing again.)

Caller: “What is your name, you dumb b****?” I am going to call your manager and make sure you are fired, you dumb-a**!” *click*

(For this last call, my manager is here.)

Manager: “I know he won’t call, but I wish I could tell him that you are getting a raise and promotion because of him.”

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