(I volunteer at a daycare. The daycare is very Christian, so we have a Christian radio station playing at all times. A song the teacher likes comes on. Note that it is a very slow “Praise the Lord and His angels”-type song.)
Teacher: “I like this song!”
Little Girl #1: “Me too! Mommy has it on all the time!”
Teacher: “What about you, [Little Girl #2]? Do you know this song?”
Little Girl #2: “No, but I know ‘We Will Rock You.'”
Teacher: “Um—”
Me: “Close enough.”
(A customer is calling in regarding a five-day hold we have on his deposit of a personal check for $150,000. Note that in the three months he has been a customer, his account has been negative sixty times and has an average daily balance of $75.00—hence the hold.)
Customer: “You need to give me all my money now! My family is starving. We have no money to pay for food! I am going to the local news and telling them about how you big banks are forcing us to starve to death!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we did give you $1000 of that deposit immediately. Due to the large amount of the check, you will have to wait for the hold to be lifted.”
Customer: “But my children are starving! How can you be so cruel and starve children?!”
Me: “Sir, we are your bank. I can see everything you have spent with your debit card, and I see you went to [upscale restaurant] and spent $250 last night on dinner.”
Customer: “Well… the lobster was under-prepared. Do you really expect my children to be forced to eat like that?! This isn’t a third-world country! What is wrong with you? They are starving!”
This story is part of the snobby customers roundup!
Read the next roundup story!
Read the roundup!
(I’m working a game when an older man approaches me with his kid. Please note that I am fifteen years old.)
Guest: “Hey, so it’s my son’s fifteenth birthday and I really need your help to give him his birthday spankings.”
Me: “I’m sorry, what?”
Guest: “No, really, I need your help to give him his birthday spankings. I’ll hold him, you spank him!”
Me: “Sir, I’m not going to do that. That’s guest assault!”
Guest: “Oh, c’mon! No it’s not! Look, will you marry me? Will you have my kids?”
Me: “Sir, I’m fifteen too!”
Guest: “Oh.” *takes off at a very fast pace*
(I take calls about various do-it-yourself products for lawn and garden and insect control.)
Me: “How can I help you?”
Customer: “Your product is defective!”
Me: “Okay, what product?”
Customer: “[Brand Name] weed and grass killer!”
Me: “Okay, what is the problem?”
Customer: “It killed my grass!”
Me: “Um, it is weed and grass killer.”
Customer: “Yes, but it doesn’t say good grass!”
Me: “You’re right. However, grass covers all grass types.”
Customer: “Well, it should say on the label it kills good grass.”
Me: “Actually, it does on the back. It lists all the grasses it kills, and your grass is listed.”
Customer: “Well, it should tell you to read the label before use!”
Me: “Actually, it does. See that stop sign on the back?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “And right after, it says read the entire label before use.”
Customer: “Well, it should say it on the front so I can see it!”
Me: “I’ll put your request into corporate…”
(A woman had bought a pregnancy test earlier and has come back into the store a few minutes later.)
Customer: “I want a refund for this pregnancy test!”
Me: “Sure, ma’am. What seems to be wrong with it? Do you have the receipt?”
Customer: *yelling* “It says I am pregnant! I did not buy this to tell me I am pregnant!”
Me: “Oh… well, we cannot accept it since it has been used, for sanitary reasons. Also, that is what the test is for, ma’am: it tells you whether you are pregnant or not.”
(The woman grows angry and starts cussing at me, so I call my supervisor to the front. They tell her the same thing I’ve told her.)
Customer: “Fine! If I can’t get a refund, you can take it back!” *throws the wet test at me and storms out*
