Life Is Stranger Than Fan-Fiction

| Incheon, South Korea | Working | April 4, 2017

(I am on the computer and noting the guest list for a convention in Texas. I am based in South Korea but fly to the US for work.)

Me: “Wow, [Fan-Fiction Author] is attending a convention in Dallas!”

Coworker: “What’s that?”

Me: “Oh she’s a fan-fiction author that I like reading. Would be nice to meet her.”

(Later that day. The wife of the husband/wife team that owned the business approached me with the same coworker who acted as translator at times.)

Coworker: “[Boss] would like to know if you’d like a short vacation for [time when convention was running].”

Me: “Bwuh… uh… sure!”

(They were some of the best employers I ever had. Didn’t even have to pay airfare since they worked out airfare for me using the return ticket that was going to expire because I had re-upped my contract.)

Conditioned To Constantly Complain

| England, UK | Working | April 3, 2017

(I have an employee that is never happy. She often complains about the most insignificant things, like how she doesn’t like to drive to work in nice weather, but also added how she hates driving in the rain.)

Worker: “Ugh, it’s too hot in here.”

Me: “Yeah, I think so.”

Worker: “We need air condoning!”

Me: “I’m not sure I have the budget for that, but I will look into it.”

(It takes me a couple of weeks to get an order raised but I managed to buy a small domestic unit.)

Me: “Here we go. It’s not the flashiest unit around but we have something now.”

Worker: “Ugh, it’s not very cold!”

(I gave up after that.)

That Takes The Cake

| Scotland, UK | Working | April 3, 2017

(We are all celebrating a colleague discovering they are pregnant. We are all eating cake when a phone rings.)

Coworker: *mumbles incoherently into the receiver*

(Swallows the cake.)

Coworker: “Sorry, we’re all enjoying cake!”

(Pause.)

Coworker: “No, it doesn’t!”

(Pause.)

Coworker: “WELL, F*** YOU, [homophobic slur]!” *hangs up*

Pregnant Coworker: “Umm, what happened?”

Coworker: “F****** a**-hole saying it sounds like I’ve got a good mouth for giving blowjobs! Disgusting [slur]!”

Me: “Well, I can’t say it was an appropriate call, but maybe tone it down on that sort of language?”

Coworker: “Why, you aren’t a [slur] are you?!”

Pregnant Coworker: “No, he isn’t. I, on the other hand, am!”

(Coworker went pale and ran out of the office. For the next month he refused to be in the same room as her. Shortly after he was fired for discrimination.)

Not Quite The Perfect System

| USA | Working | April 1, 2017

(I work for a large technology corporation that’s a little… weird. First of all, we all have to use in-house software called the Master Control Program (MCP), and I swear that thing is alive… and evil. It talks back, displays Turing-test beating intelligence at times, and threatens you when you don’t provide it Chinese translation software. A coworker of mine comes running into the office, looking panicked.)

Coworker: “The grid! The grid!”

(I run up and stop his careening through the office, trying to calm him down.)

Me: “Calm down! What’s the matter?”

Coworker: “The grid! It’s real!”

Me: “What’s the grid?”

Coworker: “It’s a digital world that lives in our mainframe! It’s full of programs that look like people! I was just zapped into it and I only now managed to escape!”

Me: “Oh, cool! Like The Matrix?”

Coworker: “No! It’s like a giant videogame. The evil overlords force you to compete in games.”

Me: “Oh, so like Gladiator?”

Coworker: “No! They’re all futuristic games, but rendered in 1980’s style graphics. The bad guys don’t just have you killed, they put you through elaborate setups that luckily allowed me to escape.”

Me: “Oh, so like James Bond?”

Coworker: “No, it’s not like any of those!”

Me: “Huh, sounds like it would be a dumb movie then.”

Ordering A Couple Of F-Bombs

| UK | Working | March 30, 2017

I phone through a daily lunch order for my coworkers, which gets delivered to our office by the sandwich company. They are supposed to deliver between 12:30-13:30, but have recently started coming later and later. Fair enough; they have a lot of orders. But when my boss is growling because he doesn’t get his lunch until after 2:00 pm and the sandwich company is completely unapologetic, that tends to leave me in a bad mood. One day I mention to the delivery driver that my directors were getting tired with the late deliveries, to which the driver replied, “If he doesn’t like it, he can f*** off.”

Naturally, that angered me slightly — after all, their company makes about £500 a month off us. The next day I looked up a new sandwich bar in my town and started ordering from them. The next week, the first sandwich bar called me to say they’d been having issues with their phones and weren’t sure if I got my order through.

My reply? “I took your advice and f***** off.”

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