Illegally Starting An Umbrella Corporation

| UT, USA | Criminal & Illegal

I work in the lobby of an office building. The maintenance company we use provides tenants with large umbrellas, which I keep by the doors so employees can take one as they leave. One day it was raining really hard, and a grungy-looking man, obviously NOT one of the employees in my building (I know them all personally) goes right for the umbrella stand and grabs three.)

Me: “Excuse me. I’m sorry, those are for tenants only.”

Man: “They said they’re free here.”

Me: “They are free, but only for tenants, and they’re supposed to bring them back.”

Man: “Please, it’s raining so hard. I just need it for a minute. I’ll bring it back.”

Me: “Why do you need to take three?”

Man: “Oh… uh… because you can’t see them from your desk but I have two little kids outside in the rain.”

Me: “…You can’t just share one? They’re really big.”

Man: “Please, it’s raining so hard. I’ll bring them right back.”

(I knew he was lying but my phone was ringing and I needed to get back to work, so I said “Please just take one” and answered the call. I kept an eye on him as I talked to the caller. Meeting my eyes the entire time, the man not only kept the three in his hand, he grabbed TWO MORE and dashed out the door with them before I could finish my call and tell him to stop. Later in the day, employees coming back from lunch told me that the guy was selling the umbrellas on the street corner, and no, he didn’t have any little kids with him. And that is why I keep the umbrella stand behind my desk now.)

Rude? Yeah, Whatever

| USA | Bad Behavior, Funny Names

(I’m a new administrative assistant at an established private accounting firm. Since I’m new, I can’t recognize any clients by voice over the phone.)

Me: “Good morning. [Accounting Firm]. How may I help you?”

Client: *sounding far away like he’s on speaker* “Yeah, whatever, this is [Very common first name].”

(I wait a few seconds for him to continue, to give me a last name or some identifying information like most of our callers do.)

Client: “Hellooo? Hey!”

Me: “Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

Client: “Yeah, whatever, this is [Very common first name].”

(I don’t bother waiting again and respond immediately.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Client: “Helloooo? Hey! Can you even hear me?”

Me: “Yes, sir; can you hear me?”

Client: *now sounding like he’s off speaker and holding the phone* “Yeah, look, I got my taxes did by you and I was wondering when you guys might possibly be contemplating considering the possibility of sending in my taxes.”

Me: “Um… okay, well, I’m just an administrative assistant; I don’t work on anyone’s taxes so I’m not sure. Do you know which accountant worked with you?”

Client: *heavy sigh* “Yeah, I guess, maybe Jessica, or Erica, or Stephanie?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have anyone here by any of those names.”

Client: “What about [about 15 different names in rapid succession]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no.”

Client: “Well, what about [One of our accountant’s name]?”

Me: “Yes, we have an accountant by that name.”

Client: “Give her to me; let me talk to her.”

Me: “Uh, sure, let me see if she’s available. Hold, please.”

(I page the accountant and explain what’s happened so far.)

Accountant: *laughs* “Oh, you mean Rudy?”

Me: “Rudy? He said his name was [Very common first name].”

Accountant: “Yeah, but I call him Rudy. Not to his face, of course. But I do it because he’s so rude. Get it?”

Me: *giggles* “Yeah, I get it. Do you want me to send him through or to your voicemail?”

Accountant: “Oh, voicemail him. I’m having a good day and I don’t want to talk to Rudy right now; he’d just ruin it.”

(I switch back to the call line.)

Me: “Thank you for holding. I’m sorry, but [Accountant] is unavailable. Would you—”

Client: “Yeah, whatever, my name is [Very common first name] and I’m wondering when you might be considering to contemplate—”

(I cut him off by sending the call to the accountant’s voice mail without another word. Later she calls me into her office, laughing so hard she’s in tears, and plays the message “Rudy” left.)

Voicemail: “Yeah, whatever, this is [Very common first name] and I began to suspect I might wonder when you would possibly consider the possibility of maybe contemplating thinking about sending my taxes in.”

(There’s a solid minute-long pause.)

Voicemail: “So, yeah, whatever.” *hangs up*

Accountant: “God, I love Rudy. He’s such a little p****!”

Experience Tells Me That You’re An Idiot

| IL, USA | Crazy Requests

Me: *answering the phone* “Hello, [Company]. This is [My name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, [My Name]. Are you experienced enough to help me?”

Me: *having worked in this company for several years now* “I can certainly do my best. What can I do for you?”

(The customer proceeds to describe a sensitive issue that I immediately recognize is beyond my authority to address.)

Me: “Okay, you will need to speak with my manager. They will be able to address this issue with you and make sure that appropriate action is taken.”

Customer: “What is your manager’s name?”

Me: “Their name is [Manager].”

Customer: “And are you sure that they’ll be able to help me?”

Me: “Yes, I can assure you that they will be able to help you with this issue.”

Customer: “Well, put me through to them, then! This is why I asked if you were experienced in the first place!”

Me: “Of course. I’ll transfer you now.”

(I have to wonder how they expected me to know if I was “experienced” enough without knowing what the issue was in the first place!)

Should Have Made An Earlier Check

| WA, USA | Money

(It is April 15th and I work in a tax office. The office is actually fairly quiet, as most of our clients have already completed their taxes or filed extensions, so I have more time to answer calls. The phone rings, and I answer.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

Caller: “I think I’m in trouble. I already filed my taxes a month ago, and wrote a check, but it hasn’t cleared yet.”

Me: “Are you a client of ours?”

Caller: “No. Do you think the IRS got my check?”

Me: “You said you sent it a month ago? Did you mail it certified?”

Caller: “No. Do you think they got it?”

Me: “I’m 99.9% sure the IRS did not get your check.”

Caller: “How do you know?”

Me: “They’re extremely quick to take your money. They were even taking payments during the government shutdown.”

Caller: “Crap, what do I do? Can I call the IRS?”

Me: “You technically can call the IRS, just not today.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “It’s deadline day. During the off season hold times are measured in hours. Today you’d never even get through. Plus, it’s past seven on the east coast, so I’m pretty sure all the agents are drunk right now.”

Caller: “What do I do?!”

Me: “Stop payment on the first check, write another one, and get thee to the post office and send it certified. You have forty minutes. Have a good day!”

This Caller Needs To Be Sectioned

| OH, USA | Bizarre

(I work in one of the three support sections with similar names in a large company that works to ensure records and documents are correctly maintained for employees.)

Me: “[Section A], [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I would like to get a new ID.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, that would be [Section B]. I can transfer you to them now.”

Caller: “What? I thought [Section A] did that.”

Me: “No, that’ll be [Section B].”

Caller: “Wait, so what do you do?”

Me: “We maintain your current and past records.”

Caller: “I thought that would was [Section C]!”

Me: “No, they work with section transfers and inventory.”

Caller: “So… what does [Section B] do?”

Me: “…what you are asking for?”

Caller: “Oh! Okay, I’ll call them!”

(She hangs up on me and moments later calls back.)

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to get a new ID card.”

Me: “…ma’am, this is [Section A] again.”

Caller: “But I pressed three on the robot phone voice!”

Me: “That is for us.”

Caller: “Then what’s the extension for [Section B]?!”

Me: “That’ll be extension seven, ma’am.”

Caller: “Why did it tell me to press three then?!”

Me: “I’ve literally called our line yesterday, ma’am, and it tells you we are three and [Section B] is seven.”

Caller: “It was three last I checked! You should check again!”

Me: “Ma’am, is wasn’t three for a few months now and they updated the automated message.”

Caller: “Well, it didn’t inform me of any change!”

Me: “One of the first things it says is ‘please listen carefully, as some of the options have changed.'”

Customer: “THIS IS STUPID! JUST TRANSFER ME TO [Section A]!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is [Section A]. You want—”

Caller: “YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT! I DON’T CARE WHICH ONE IS WHICH OR WHAT THEY DO! JUST SEND ME WHEREVER SO I CAN GET A NEW ID!”

Me: “One moment, ma’am.”

(I transfer her to the correct section and sit back in my chair with a sigh as a coworker walks by.)

Me: “I… am NOT… paid enough for this…”

Coworker: “Welcome to [Section A].”

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