We have this obnoxious guy in the office who ticks off so many annoying boxes. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women, he’s loud and crass with all his achievements (both work- and non-work-related), and he likes to boast about things that are obviously fake or impossible. “Oh, some kid finally beat Tetris? Pfft! I did that when I was a kid on my first try!”

I’ve come back from a week’s annual leave, and he passes me by.

Obnoxious Coworker: “Oh, you’re back. You couldn’t even get a decent tan when you were away?”

Me: “Well, it’s hard to get a tan when you’ve been indoors all week.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “What a waste of a holiday to be indoors!”

Me: “It wasn’t really a holiday, more of a competition. I was competing in a Judo tournament.”

Obnoxious Coworker: *Snorts* “Hah! Whatever.”

Me: “I placed third.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “You’re havin’ me on!”

Me: “I assure you I’m not.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “A skinny twig like you does Judo?”

Me: “I do Judo because I’m a skinny twig. It’s great for figuring out how to take down stronger and larger opponents.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “I bet I could still take you on with an arm behind my back.”

Me: “I doubt that.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Oh, yeah? Come on, then. Come at me!”

Me: “I’m not going to do that.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “That’s what I thought.”

Me: “It’s not that. I don’t want to be at the center of a Human Resources incident where I caused you any injury—”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Come on! Don’t be a p***y! Come at me! I dare ya!”

Me: “You dare me? What are you, eleven?”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Come at me!”

In his excitement, he actually comes at me! Instead of trying to make a display, I simply slide to the side, using my foot to easily trip him up. Honestly, it isn’t even a Judo move, just a simple tripping up. He falls to the ground, more embarrassed than hurt. He glares at me and storms off, but he is literally back a minute later with one of the managers, who is also an HR manager. This manager has been having a coffee in the breakroom — in full view of our encounter, I might add.

Obnoxious Coworker: “Well! You saw him trip me up on purpose, didn’t you?”

HR: “I saw you fall.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Because he tripped me!”

HR: “Well… you did dare him.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “This is ridiculous!” *Storms off*

Me: “So, I’m good?”

HR: “You’re good. Try to resist the urge to ‘Judo Chop’ him if you can.”

Me: “That’s gonna be a struggle…”

Thankfully, [Obnoxious Coworker] ignored me for the rest of the day. Bliss!

I’m on the phone with a client.

Client: “Wait, let me make a note of that. Do you have a pen I can borrow?”

Me: “Are you talking to me?”

Client: “Who else would I be talking to?”

I overhear two coworkers talking.

Coworker #1: “I was born at [Hospital], so I’m proper local. What about you?”

Coworker #2: “Oh, I was born at home.”

Coworker #1: *Shocked* “At home! Wow! Was your mum there, too?”

I had to leave my desk immediately before I spat my coffee all over my screen.

I work for my county in mental health. I do some work with the county social workers but not much as they are in a different department.

I get an email from a social worker saying something to the effect of:

Social Worker: “Hi. I hear you are the liaison for the local women’s shelter. Can I get [form]?”

I work with the infant early childhood program, and I have nothing to do with the program she is talking about.

Me: “Sorry, but I think you might have the wrong person.”

She immediately responds.

Social Worker: “No, I have the right person. I need this form immediately, so please send it.”

Me: “Sorry again, but I don’t know what form you’re talking about, and I don’t work with that program.”

Social Worker: “Look, I know you’re new, but you really need to learn the job quicker. Sometimes women need these resources immediately.”

I again apologize and say she has the wrong person as this is not the program I work with. I will also note that I am not new; I’ve been in my position for almost three years. She states that this is unacceptable and asks for my supervisor’s email.

Now, my supervisor is known around the office as the bulldog because she usually won’t let things go until she gets her way. She’s a total bada**. She always sticks up for her people, and she has been with the county for over a decade. So, I’m thinking this is going to be good.

I tell [Social Worker] my supervisor’s email and go down the hall to give my supervisor a heads-up. When I tell her [Social Worker]’s name, she rolls her eyes.

Supervisor: “She’s always like this. Get back to work and I’ll handle it.”

I head back to my office, and like forty-five minutes later, [Supervisor] walks in.

Supervisor: “[Social Worker] must have looked up my number because she called. She launched into a speech saying she would expect someone trained by their supervisor to be actually competent, and you should really at the very least know the forms. I very politely but precisely told her that she not only had the wrong person as you do not work with that program but that the person who is in that position does not exist as they have not been hired yet. She just went silent and then hung up. I knew the form she was looking for, though, so I went ahead and emailed her a copy.”

Coworker: “What time is the ten o’clock meeting?”

I blink for a moment.

Me: “It’s at 11:40.”

Coworker: “What?! But they said they wouldn’t have a meeting over lunch! I’ll be so hungry.”

Me: “Yeah, it sucks. You should tell your boss to order catering if it’s gonna go over lunch.”

Coworker: “Yeah, I should! Thanks!”

Me: “My pleasure.”

They go and come back

Coworker: “I spoke to my manager, and it’s okay; they pushed it to ten.”

Me: “Hallelujah!”