(It’s Friday. I’m sitting in my office when I feel all of my will to work just vanish. I’m contemplating shutting down and leaving early when I hear a coworker somewhere in the corridor hooting like an owl.)

Me: “Hoot?”

Coworker: *sadly* “Hoooot.”

Me: *agreeing* “Hoot hoot!”

Coworker In Office Next To Me: “You’re absolutely right! Let’s pack up and go home!”

(I am talking to my coworker/friend, who has a minor computer problem and wants to contact IT. We know a reliable guy in IT who also happens to have the same first name as one of the people on our team, but one of them is Italian with dark looks, while the other is redheaded and pale.)

Coworker: “I’m going to email [First Name] about my computer now.”

Me: “Yeah. Make sure you don’t email ginger [First Name]!”

Coworker: *suddenly almost whispering* “Hey, you can’t say that!”

Me: “What, ‘ginger'”?

Coworker: “Yeah!”

Me: “Are you saying ‘ginger’ is a derogatory word?”

Coworker: “Kind of…”

(We do design and printing for various bars and restaurants around town. I’ve only been working here for about a year. I’m assigned a job to create a ‘Now Open’ banner for a tropical-themed bar, but the sales rep has returned the job with vague changes.)

Me: “Hey, [Lead Designer], I don’t understand what these changes mean. Can you take a look?”

Lead: *looks at my design* “Oh, wow! That’s so pretty and presentable! It must not be ugly enough. Sales reps like things big and ugly.”

Me: “So… change it so the text is ugly and impossibly big and crowds out the logos and background?”

Lead: “Yeah, that should do it.”

(I make the text so ridiculously huge and cramped you can’t even tell what it’s for anymore. I submit the job and the sales rep approves it.)

Me: “…”

(A coworker and I do not get along at all. He has put me down at every opportunity. Even though we haven’t worked together in years, I hear through industry contacts that he still trashes me whenever he can. A new boss is hired for me, and I find that he and my old coworker were close colleagues. Eventually, I’m called into a ‘get to know the new boss’ meeting with my new boss, my boss’s boss, and his assistant. My new boss is doing his best to look very intimidating.)

New Boss: “So you’re [My Name], eh? I’m ready for your tricks. [Old Coworker] has told me all about you.”

Me: “Well, that’s unfortunate. For you see, there’s been some bad blood between me and [Old Coworker], and that’s no doubt tainted his perceptions of me. Perhaps if you elaborate on these ‘tricks’ he warned you of, I can better explain my side of the story.”

(My new boss sits stunned for a moment, not ready for this response. Struggling to respond, he points to his boss and blurts out…)

New Boss: “But he LOVES you.”

(My boss’s boss facepalmed.)

(I have an apprentice starting today; there have been at least a dozen applicants, so he is lucky to be here.)

Me: “…and so if you press this button, you can…”

(I turn to catch him yawning.)

Me: *jokingly* “Not keeping you up am I?”

Apprentice: “Oh, no, sorry, late night last night.”

(Teaching him is actually causing me more work, so I am a little annoyed, but I let him off as it’s his first day. The next day…)

Apprentice: *yawns loudly* “Oh, man, I’m sooo tired.”

Me: “Another late night?”

Apprentice: “Yeah.” *slumps in his chair*

Me: “You won’t get the best out of this experience if you can barely stay awake. Why don’t you go get some coffee and perhaps an early night tonight?”

(Everyday that week, the same story: too tired to listen; couldn’t do the work because he hadn’t listened. At the end of the week…)

Me: “Look, this is a waste of your time and mine. Every morning you can barely keep awake. Every morning you tell me you have been up late playing video games. Every morning I tell you to get an early night.”

Apprentice: “Whatever. This isn’t important, anyway.”

(I give up, and tell my boss to put him somewhere else. At the end of the three weeks:)

Apprentice: “Here, can you fill this out.”

Me: “What is it?”

Apprentice: “My apprentice form.”

(I read it; he has already ticked the answers I was supposed to fill in.)

Me: “Nope.”

(He leaves. I forget about it until I get a call:)

Teacher: “Is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Teacher: *aggressively* “[Apprentice] tells me you had him doing all sorts of tasks then refused to sign his form because you didn’t like him! Why?”

(I explained the situation. The teacher was actually pretty decent afterwards. I later had a hand-written note from the apprentice apologizing!)